Monday, August 8, 2011

Lets be honest

     I would like to start off by saying, I have always wanted to write a blog and finally my cousin Cherrie has pushed me to the point of no return. So here it is, the good, the bad, and the drunk. With out any more disclaimers or kid gloves, this is my life:

      When I woke up this morning I was feeling pretty good seeing as the last week I had been laid up with PMS pains that could cripple an elephant. I knew what was coming because my gas was abnormally pungent. The gas of a premenstraul person is similar to that of a ferril cat.Of course after my second cup of coffee I hit the porcelain thrown, and there it came. My monthly gift that keeps on giving for about 2-3 weeks at a time. I swear I should write Tampax and tell them I will do commercials for free tampons, it would be worth the embarrassment. I also wish I had known this issue of mine would be this bad before I bought my grey yoga pants. Fuck them I guess. Just another waste of money.
     On another note, I was chatting with my cousin Cherrie this morning and we were talking about trying to find our niche. And if we did find one it would have to be something that we could make a living from. I don't think that she knows what she wants to do yet but I came up with a list of jobs that most people need but don't have:
  1. Professional TV watcher: I will watch or DVR, TV shows that you like to watch, while you are at work and give you a full recap of them once a week.
  2. Professional celeb follower: I will go on Perez Hilton and read celeb gossip mags and again fill you in on important details that can start a conversation. 
  3. THAT GIRL:  This is my favorite. Ever see a person and be like "I can't be that girl" I will do it for you. Whether its getting drunk and taking immensely stupid pictures or drinking waaaaay too much at a family function. This is the job that I have the most skills. I am a hot mess 90% of the time. I also have no shame to completely embarrass myself... it has been done before and will happen again. I am that girl in my family so its not just a talent I have... It is biological. 
     I would also like to come clean about my affinity for alcohol. I like to think that 2 dirty martinis make me what Oprah likes to call my "best self." I don't really give a shit if people think I have a problem. I think that they have a problem because they're all up in my fucking business. Like hey why don't you step you're judging ass off and have a Rufalin cocktail or at least make me one and beat it. With that said I would like to tell you all that I am now drinking wine and watching hoarders! (see above if you missed it...I'll let you know what happens for 25$/hr) Reality TV really fuels my vodka/wine/whiskey consumption because I cannot understand that these people choose to keep shit all over their house. So I have to smother my liver with vodka/wine/whiskey to try to see where they are coming from. In honor my alcoholism I would like to mention my favorite alcoholics:
  1. Michelle Sludock: aka my mother! She is a powerhouse of a human.
  2. Cherrie Sludock: As long as there's a "all-in-one" bottle Cher is down to be a hot mess... see fb photos.
  3. Chris Champion: Yes my husband. Because he turns into a dirty horn ball when he's drunk.
  4. Allison Rockwell: Her lips literally turn purple after one glass of wine and she looks shit-housed.
  5. Donald Baker: This guy can throw up a hot dog while rolling down a hill like no one else.
  6. Maryalice: We share the same affinity for boxed wine. Don't really care about the quality as long as it gets us there!
  7. Frank Moore: Of course this list wouldn't be complete with out Frank and at sometimes Donna. Frank was good with Bud and Donna on occasion (Christmas, New Years or Joe coming home from Iraq) would drink Dr. Maglicutties peppermint shnapes... which props to her, is nasty nasty shit. (I know the spelling is wrong, but I don't care, you get it.)
     I would like to conclude this post by showing a picture of my bloodhound, Daisy. Who apparently will also work as THAT GIRL.  Obviously for much less an hour... I think she thinks she's on point.

Thanks for reading and stay classy.
--- R

No comments:

Post a Comment