Friday, December 23, 2011

Shit My Husband Says

     Chris does tend to say some funny things but none more perfectly spoken until he has a drink. I do what I like to call field work, I observe him in his natural habitat and make note of all of it on my blackberry to be used against him later. Here are some of my favorites that I have that the smarts to write down.

  • "I just mouth fucked your mouth." - This was in response the virgin diaries on TLC
  • "I'm would take that burger to the smush room." - Watching Man V Food
  • "Oh Santa why don't you just fuck me in that sleigh." - Addressing this http://www.youtube.com/embed/Db4YYKtwv8k
  • "Birds can't fly!!!! Faggot!--- I mean swim, birds can't swim." - When Chris O'Donnell falls in the water at the end of Batman forever
  • "I bet Chris O'Donnell has a little fuckin' wanker" - I made the mistake of telling him in 1994 I would have spread 'em for Mr. O'Donnell
  • "All I saw out of that commercial was the white man overcome he nigre (that would be hillbilly for nigger) - No you didn't, a white man approached a group of black men and then ran away.. Calm it down Hitler.
  • "I don't know what you're freaking out about?!?! They're my balls!!! - This gem came out after I observed him eating a piece of chocolate in left hand and his right hand was clearly in his pants. After I said something he finished candy, took hand off balls, then switched hands....

     It wouldn't be fair if I did not include the two most recent idiotic things to come out of my mouth either so here you go.

  • "Well I would be the American. There was always one American and two foreign." - Who I wanted to be in Global Guts!
  • "I rather make a doodie on your chest then do that." - I actually don't remember what I was talking about, but this is what usually comes to mind when I do not want to do something...regardless of who I am talking to.

I love you all. I hope you have a happy Christmas weekend and I wish I was home celebrating with you guys!
<3 Always --- R

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Life's Questions 2

Welcome to month 2 of life's questions:

  • Is there a reason I'm still awake?
  • Is this pill enough?
  • Is this real life?
  • Why does this guy think I want to sleep with him?
  • Am I wearing too much makeup?
  • Am I wearing enough makeup?
  • Is my poop supposed to look like that?
  • Is it normal for once piece to float and the rest sinks?
  • Do I have to be friends with her?
  • Did I shave my armpits?
  • Can I take a nap in the shower?
  • Am I going to have sex tonight?
  • Do I really have to shave my legs?
  • Will he notice?
  • Is my period going to come soon?
  • Does Ryan Seacrest sleep?
  • Do all the people on say yes to the dress: big bliss look like Patrick from Sponge Bob?
  • Is it normal for me to want to look and dress like Tiffany Amber Thesen and Venessa Marcil from BH 90210 still?
  • What the hell am I going to do with my life?
  • Can I get my tubes tied now please?
  • Are chunky heeled shoes going to come back into fashion again soon?
  • If I am attracted to Mario Lopez does that make me a lesbian?
Love you all! ---R-

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Bad News and Oxycodone

     Well, I guess it's time to spill the beans, I'm sure some of you already know, but Chris will be coming back into the states in the next 2 days. He decided it was best to leave the position in Kuwait and come home. The job was dangerous and they failed to hold up to their end of the deal. He had been there with an expired visa for over a month and this company did not give two shits. And lets be honest, I don't feel like him being on the show locked up abroad. I am very proud of him for even taking the chance to do this and I know that it was very hard for him to be away from his family.
     With that said, it makes me sad to have to say that we will be returning to Michigan. It is absolutely impossible for us to get by around here and with the extra stress of looking for a new job, we don't need it. Obviously Michigan is not my first choice but my in-laws, Randy and Joy, have been more than accommodating of our situation. I'm hoping that we will be able to spend Christmas here with my family and have some time with friends when he comes home, but I do not know how realistic that will be. I Can't say that this is going to be an easy thing to go back there, seeing as it is clearly not my home, but again my in-laws are great people and I do love being around them.
      I love you all very much and I know that this sucks. Now that I have totally cried my eyes out (period time), I would like to tell you about my wisdom teeth being removed the other day and what a hot mess I was.

     So, obviously with this job of Chris's coming to an end I had to get these fucking teeth out of my mouth ASAP. They have been coming in for the last 5 years or so and I thought since they never hurt that was going to be the end of it. Well, it wasn't. Over the past two weeks they have been hurting like a mother-fucker. So Monday morning I call the dentist and he says to come into the office in 20 minutes and he can do it. Let me also say that I have the greatest fear of teeth and dental work on the planet. I hate looking or thinking about teeth. Dentures make me want to vomit all the blood out of my body they are so fucking disgusting. So I had my Grandfather Bob, love him, take me to the appointment, seeing as though he is retired and should get off facebook. So, in full panic attack mode waiting for him to arrive at my house I start jumping. Just jumping around like an idiot, completely stunned out of my mind that this was actually going to happen. All these thoughts came racing through my head, "omg, someone is going to be in my mouth", "omg it's going to fucking hurt", "omg I'm going to vomit". There was no end to the thoughts I was having. They were insane and they want as far as, them not putting me out and ripping them out, then laughing about it. I know I have a complex.
    So Bob gets here, I make him drive because I am in full attack mode. Don't ever drive with him, he stayed behind a semi all the way up rt 7 onto the highway...it's a two lane road now, PASS HIM!!! We get to the office and I fill out the paper work and they take x-rays, and I have to wait about another 45 minutes because the obese diabetic man in front of me had to have all of his top teeth removed, shocking I know.
     I go into the room, I tell the Dr. how scared I am, still jumping up and down, and he just looks at me and says, "Ma'am sit down and let me get you a sedative." haha It was love it first deep breath. I had gas and an IV to knock me out.
     I wake up in a completely different room, which creep-ed me out. So I did some Kiegles to make sure I wasn't raped. I wasn't. I hear my grandfather tell me to get up and that it was time to go. Then they start telling me about all this medication I have to take, when to take them and so on. All I heard was like the noise when an adult talked in Charlie Brown.
     Well, I get home take my medicine and pass the fuck out. Later to realize I have stitches in my mouth. AHHHHHHHHHHHH another thing that I hate more than old people. UGH they make me think of Silence of the Lambs when that creeper is sewing together that lady suit. Omg gross. I had one stitch in my finger once and I made my mom take care of it for me for two weeks. I am a baby when it come to that shit. Apparently I needed the stitches because the teeth were impacted and the gum's had grown over them and started to grow over some of my other teeth. Who knew they were so aggressive. Anyway so they had to cut away the gum and re-affix it back to my mouth with stitches. Still just makes me want to vomit.

     In addition to this I asked some friends about their experiences and here is what they said:

Cherrie: I once took an Oxycontin that was intended for a 300+ pound man and was giggling like an idiot in the parking lot of for Pete's sake deli..
Me: How long were you there for and why did you take it?
Cherrie: I sat in the parking lot for 15 minutes just laughing...by myself. I was trying to wait for it to pass so it would be acceptable for me to drive. I took it for the knots in my back. Let me tell you, it worked like a fucking charm.
 LOVE HER BEYOND WORDS.   

Bethany: I had to have emergency surgery once and when I woke up; I tried to give my doctor a hug and then asked my dad if he could get me a blunt. Not okay. 
 Bethany's 2nd experience:   Also lol when I got my wisdom teeth out, they had given me anti nausea medicine that made me a psycho and I became the hulk. Was trying to yell at and physically harm everyone (nurses and doctors included) despite the cotton in my mouth and also took a swing at my sister. It was a disaster and I have no recollection of any of it. This is just what I was told. Lol

By the way Bethany has a blog and if you are an avid reader of mine you will love hers here is the link: http://sassafrasssy.blogspot.com/ 

     I took Allison to get her wisdom teeth out. After she was done she was done she went into the recovery room and let me tell you her nurse was an idiot. The woman hands me the packet of what we should and should not do and eat and such. So as I'm reading this list over it says not to use a straw or hot food or cold food. Also, not to eat dairy because it will rot out the sockets. So as I finnish up, this nurse comes back in and says "Alright, hun! Well I think you're ready to go home! I think you should stop at McDonalds on the way home and get a nice cold milkshake!" Lady maybe you should read this because you basically just fucked up your job.

Love you all --R