Friday, August 26, 2011

5 Stupid Things Men Love

This is probably going to be one of my most favorite posts. 10 Stupid things that men love! I think men are more obvious and forward with the things that they like. Whereas women tend to hide what they like because sometimes it may not be socially acceptable. I personally identify more with men because I don't care if people I know, know I love syfy movies, I love to share! Most of the time over share. Here are the 10 most stupid things that men love

Chicken Wings: I don't really understand why men must gather together and eat wings. They are probably the most unattractive food period and there is almost no meat on them. I know first hand when I get a serious man-hunger the last thing I am looking to put in my mouth is a little chicken wing. Why can't I just eat a fucking chicken sandwich with wing sauce on it instead of eating 30 little baby chicken arms. Also when people advertise for .50 cent wings, that is not at all appealing to me. I would hope that there is some quality in that little wing, but if I am paying .50 cents god knows what the restaurant payed for it. Ripping something off the bone with my teeth makes me want to vomit. I do not want little fucking veins and tendons swimming around in my mouth.

Playing with Testicles: I think that this is appalling. I don't walk around all day grabbing at my tits. I understand that they are in between your legs and sometimes they stick, fix that, it's fine. Do not massage them in public. I do not think that any woman is going to say "AHHH FUCK look at that guy grabbin' his shit, maybe he'll let me do it." I have a family member, no names mentioned, and he is touching himself 80% of the time. Seriously like Christmas dinner he can't stop scratching at his roasted chestnuts and on thanksgiving he will not quit stuffing his hands around his giblets. Like fuck I am trying to have a good time with my family and I don't need you playing with your gum drops, as I'm trying to eat mashed potatoes.

Fake Ass Titties: I appreciate a good set of tits like the next person. But people like Coco just have to have some serious heath problems. There is nothing sexy about scoliosis. And there is just too much to handle, I mean that's not the part that you most cases. So why the fuck do they have to be sooooo big. What men also don't realize is that no matter how big the set is, they do not look good unless they are tanned. No one wants to see a set of flesh colored balloons stapled on your chest.

Weapons: I don't really have much to say about this, I am not a fan of weapons. Lets start with guns, people say guns don't kill people, people kill people. I believe that there could not be a more false statement. If people actually had to physically slit a throat, smother or strangle a person to death, I think that there would be much less death. I think it is just easier to hide behind a gun. With that being said I understand the sportsman ship of target shooting and obviously military training. What I don't understand are knives, really what do you men need to cut? They're not going to protect you from a bear, that bear is gonna tear your asshole out and feed it to you, if you come at it like that. I find it odd too that men talk about their weapons like they talk about their penis. For instance, "I tore that target UP last night." Talking about a woman's face or Bin Ladin's face? You tell me. Or "Ahhh I've had that for years, always a good shot." There are plenty more I'm sure, so for now guys, put down the god dammed weapon and get some wings.

Anal Sex: To me this is obscene. Why do men think that an ass hole is a pleasure hole? News flash my shit comes out of there! There is nothing beautiful about looking at an asshole let alone putting something in it. Whether it is butt plugs or a penis. Men say that its better for them because the a hole is so much tighter, well it is not gonna be better for you when your ass has to walk around behind me with a shovel.

Sorry guys this was going to be a list of 10 stupid things but I think I hit the nail on the head with these 5!
Subscribe to this blog and follow me on twitter (@bobzc) and facebook: Robyn Sludock 
Also I'm always looking for new ideas so leave me a comment here or on the above noted social prostitution sites!
<3 Always---R

Thursday, August 25, 2011

10 Stupid Things

Weddings: When a woman says that she has dreamed of this day for her whole life, I like to call bullshit. I know that the dress, the idea and all that maybe dreamed up. But, I doubt that Mr. Dreamy looks like or acts like your future ball and chain. I love my husband I really do, but I never ever wanted to be married EVER! I just happened to find someone who was exactly like me with a penis! And apparently steel sperm. I never dreamed of a fantasy wedding, or flowers and cake. I think that the idea of marriage and a wedding is what most people want, not what I see (a gaudy pony show). I do feel however that many of my friends have had beautiful weddings, but they did not turn into crazy bridezillas. Also, when someone says, "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you", that scares me. To the core. To someone like me that sounds like I'm not going to be able to fucking brush my teeth with out you. It's so very final, like the last breath you know is 5 minutes away and counting....
Use the force! To prevent divorce!

Designer Purses: I love a Lucky Brand bag like everyone else, but why do women love them so much. I think that a plastic walmart bag will carry my Xanex, makeup and tampons just fine. There is no reason why brands like Coach, Prada and Louis Vittoun (spelling?) are such enterprises. Spending hundreds of dollars on a purse that screams a self proclaimed social status is fucking stupid. You're friends know you're broke, and you can't pay your car insurance because you felt the need to buy a 6 inch lime green purse for 400$. Please

Was this used in Mandy Moore's Candy video?
Sex Toy Parties: These parties make me completely uncomfortable. I think that the tools one uses to get off should be private. Some people are more adventurous then others and to be honest I have some friends that I would rather not imagine using some of those god awful things, let alone some of their spouses. I also feel that some of these toys are dangerous. Can you imagine falling out of a sex swing backwards?! You could snap you fucking neck or break your back.

This is obscene... If I wanted to fuck a "pig" I would be looking for Gary from Teen mom 

Flowers: This is a personal choice of mine, I do not like to receive flowers as a gift. I feel that it means you don't know me enough to know that I would rather have almost anything else, like a target gift card, a box of wine or a puppy I don't need. But flowers I can find anywhere, like on the side of the road, a field or my neighbors garden. Also, buying flowers for someone because you're thinking of them I can understand, but to buy someone flowers to say sorry, no no no. Why do flowers make everything better, how about, put that fucking money back in my checking account, stop fucking my sister or I'll cut your dick off or call me a cunt in front of your friends one more time I'll make sure you don't see another cunt for 10-15 because I stole your dope outta your drawer. I mean thinks like that make me feel better not, here are some sunshiney flowers that smell nice so you forget about my face smelling like my trainers taint.

Sorry baby, didn't mean to butt fuck yo mamma
Expensive Makeup: There is no reason to buy expensive beauty products. I don't know why people do not realize this. What people also don't realize that no matter how much MAC you pile on your face you will not look like Carmen Electra. Well except this classic beauty....

"I look like Lady Gaga!!!"

Tag Sales: Nothing says a bad idea like bringing someone elses crap to your house. This is how people get bed bugs and all kinds of other crap. Buying other peoples plates and glasses really fucking grosses me out too. Also the negotiating process, really why are you asking to get a better deal on something that was used?

This says "I have a shit ton of crap that would look better in you're living room."

Reality TV: I'm not going to say anything about this because I had a whole post about this topic. But I will say I know that people watch this shit to feel better about themselves hands down.

I really hope these two still have a chance at welfare and food stamps

Robert Pattinson: I know many people love him, but he is pale, pasty and greasy. Why is it that women swoon over this? I don't think that there is anything sexy about a man piercing my skin with his teeth. On top of the fact that his eyebrows are horrible!!!

Taking Drunk Pictures: We are all guilty of this, especially me. I always think that I look better drunk than I do sober. I will say it is not a good idea, but I'm sure I'll have a new facebook album next week in which you;ll see me bent over, cross eyed and with purple teeth.

This is basically me after 9pm Monday - Monday
Mixed Drinks: Over priced mixed drinks are just stupid. Why can't people just drink beer? I rather just drink beer, or straight vodka, cheap too. I don't care as long as it gets me there cheap and fast. Also the fact that they have to put a fucking salad into the top of it, like why would you do that, I'm trying to get shithoused fast and you putting food into my system is going to hinder that. I don't care what kind of fruit tree is coming out of my alcohol unless it's going to refill this glass faster than the bartender can.
Tomorrow 10 things men love that are stupid!
Love--- R

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Are You a Pedophile Because You've Abducted and Raped my Soul

     In my opinion pick up lines are one of lifes best oppertunities. People don't realize that when they say something unbelieveably foul to you, that you have the right to respond. I have heard many lines, but until now I never really had thought of what to say. With that being said I have done a little research and decided that these are the best ways to respond and/or avoid people superstalking you for the rest of the night.

What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?
-I wouldn't know go ask the 5'9" blonde haired, blue eyed southern belle over there.

Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.
-My eyes are green and if that the color of your toilet water thats fucking gross

I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.
-Well I'm nt drunk enough to talk to you yet

Do you want to make millions? millions of babies!
-Do you want to be called Jim Bob Duggar?

The night is young, the moon is bright, and you are here with me tonight.
-Only for about another 30 seconds because I need a refill

Your body is a wonderland and I want to be Alice.
-Alice was a 12 year old girl....

I have never had a dream come true until the day that I met you.
-When I met you I had a dream of being a stay at home mom of 10, overweigt by 50 pounds and sweaty... wanna make that dream come true?

Like the sheets on your bed I want cover you with love.
-I want to cover you with pancake batter and deep fry you my lovecorndog!

Do you have a Bandaid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.
- Want me to clean that wound with battery acid?

Did you fart? Because you just blew me away
-Trust me after my taco bell lunch and 12 pack dinner, if I farted I would have scorched your hair off.

You must be in a wrong place - the Miss Universe contest is over there.
- I think you're in the wrong place because the only "straight" person at the Miss Universe contest in Tony Danza.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
-Does my breath smell like I'll have a hangover in the morning?

I wish you were DSL so I could get high-speed access.
-So you're saying you're a one minute man. Get the fuck outta here!

I know its not Christmas, but Santa's lap is always ready.
- I am not attracted to 300 year old, fat, white haird men.

Baby your like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems
- Oh really because you+me= possibly good time / let me finish this drink= Me passed out drooling on your pillow.

You've been a bad girl. Go to my room.
-Don't act like my father because that will guarantee I will never talk to you again

Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?
-No but I had 30 prunes today.... Hey by the way do you like anal?

Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?
-You wanna come home with me!!! YAY I'll show you my collection of celebrity tampons!!!!

Girl, you better have a license, cuz you are driving me crazy!
- Do you have a cat!!!!!I have a taxidermy licence!

If you were the new burger at McDonalds you would be the Mcgorgeous!
- I think Rosanne Barr and Tom Arnold used that in their wedding vows.

Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.
- Do you seriously have a record because

Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day.
- I am tired. Wanna go back to your place so you can make me a fuckin sandwich

Your father must have been a burglar... because I swear he stole the stars and put them in your eyes
-Why yes he was, and the only thing he put in my eyes was tears and hatred

You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.
-You're not black?! And are you fucking calling me VANILLA!

If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.
-And you smell like bacon

Why does it feel like the most beautiful girl in the world is in this room?
-I don't know but judging by the fact that I'm the third girl you talked to I would say she told you to fuck off

Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa just what I want for Christmas.
-Are you an adult retard? or a pedophile?

Let's make like a fabric softener and snuggle.
-I like to use bounce... so bounce the snugglefuck away from me

If looks could kill you would be a weapon of mass destruction.
-That's what my husband said to me last night after I ate Taco Bell

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven.
-Nope but after the gang rape last night my knees are pretty sore...It's ok though I made 50 bucks!!!!

I hope there's a fireman around, cause you're smokin'!
-There are about 30 volunteer firemen around here right now and Brian you're one of them you fucking idiot!

This is actually one that may have worked on me!
Do you mind if I hang out here until its safe back where I farted.

You people are welcome! I would love new blog ideas! So either comment here or sent to my facebook or twitter @bobzc! Thanks guys love ya ----R

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Why Some People Will Never Get Laid

     So I would like to talk about some issues I have with normal self grooming for both men and women. I think that there is a really high standard for both sexes to look good and stay in shape. There is something about that which is a good thing, I mean it encourages healthy people and hopefully rockin' bodies. However, there are many people, including myself, who takes this whole thing too far.

     Eyebrows: Who ever invented tweezers was a sadist. Who ever invented wax strips should have been awarded the medal of honor. It is so much easier to rip out 30 hairs at a time then one at a time. Fuck that. There are some people who don't know where to start with their eyebrows, I on the other hand do not know when to stop. I usually end up looking like a Hispanic with tattooed on brows. For the most part I hate when people draw on their eyebrows, but for some reason Pam Anderson still looks phenomenal with those little wax lines on her face. Then we have the people who can not start manicuring their brows. OK I get it some people prefer the natural look. But how natural is it for a human to look like a Sasquatch. I think it's safe to say that this goes for men too. I don't think that just because you are a "man," you can't wax your hairy ass eyebrows down a bit. There is nothing emasculating about it.

This is appropriate
This is not.....

     Facial Hair: There is not too much to say about this. If you are a woman, get it the fuck off of there. If you are a man keep it in check, no woman finds overbearing facial hair sexy.


Not this

Definitely not this

Definitely this

     Lips: I have always wanted lip injections until I realized that they really make you look like you just gave Mike Tyson a blow job, followed up by a knock out.
I would have put a "good" example up for this topic, but as long as you don't look like this you're good.
     Bikini Areas: OK this is a pretty gross to talk about with your best friend let alone on here, but oh well, something has to be said! I believe that people should shave. Period. Men, woman, everyone!! I do not think that there is anything attractive about a man or a woman "shaping" their area...just get rid of it all! Why would someone want a "landing strip" leading to their vagina... I'm pretty sure if you're sleeping with someone over the age of 12 they're going to know where to put it, no map quest needed. And for the men, please shave... or manscape or whatever you call it. Picking pubes outta your mouth is not cute. You don't want to do it, what makes you think that I want to?

Ladies this is bad

Men: This is really bad

     Nails: I have a petpeve about this, I really do. Men and women need to keep their nails clean and shortish. I don't have a problem with fake nails (because we all know I love a French tip here and there) But I think that there is a point to where they're unhygienic. This goes for men too. Many men have nicely manicured nails that are long...I will never ever understand that. Also, I almost forgot, airbrushed fake nails just like plain trashy. Do not paint your nails to look like a watermelon or hello kitty. 

This Lady had to have
10 kids one for each

This stunner must have one hell
of a cocaine problem

Where is animal control when
you need it?

Now that I have completely grossed myself out, I'm going to lay down. I'm feeling like shit today, thanks to all of my research....
<3 Always ----R

Monday, August 22, 2011

True Life: I'm Broke as a Joke

     Inspired by many of my friends and family I would like to tell you what either myself or people I know cannot afford because they are financially fucked:

  1. Weed
  2. All non-drugstore makeup products
  3. Bottled wine
  4. A car that I don't have to drop money into
  7. College
  8. Community College
  9. Jessica Simpson shoes- from Marshals
  10. Anything but Walmart groceries
  11. DVDs of the Simple Life
  12. A decent blender
  13. A decent apartment where my neighbor isn't a tubbo who walks around with no shirt on
  14. My bills
  15. Chinese food
  16. Clothes at target
  17. A Christmas tree
  18. RedBox Movies
  19. More then a single blade razor
  20. Clothes that I can fit in
These are people who do NOTHING and are rich:


I think these people are involved in human trafficking.

Justin Bobby, couldn't afford Chinese food so she dumped his broke ass.

Oh wait they're not broke, they sold their baby.

See ya soon! <3 always ---R

Friday, August 19, 2011

Decoding Women Talk and Why we Hate you

     I am in cleveland for the next couple days to see the rock and roll hall of fame and run off on tour with my lover Tommy Lee! So here is a post to tie you over for a while!

     In a previous post I said why men can be ass holes and it turned into why men are stupid. This one I am going to decode what women mean when they say things. Sometimes I feel like I need a decoder ring for it myself, Chris always says I read too much into shit but noooo women aren't like men. When they say things they mean that and 10 other things. So here ya go!

  1. I still want to be friends---> I do not want to be friends and if I see you in town I will ignore you.
  2. It's not you it's me---> It is you but I don't want to be responsible for your suicide.
  3. That's OK I understand--->I do not understand, and we will do what I want to do.
  4. Sure I'll go make you a sandwich---> Why don't you get up and make me a sandwich since you just made me a protein shake I did not ask for
  5. That's cool, I'll meet your ex, I don't mind---> I'll do it, dress up, do my hair, look better then her then call her a hooker.
  6. Yeah he's a good guy---> I have had sex with him.
  7. Am I prettier than she is?---> I know I am, and you better too, or else your not getting fucked later.
  8. I'm tired---> Don't touch my tits or my ass.
  9. I'm a little tired---> You may have sex with me but I may not be to involved
  10. I'm not tired---> We will  have sex
  11. That was amazing---> I've had better
  12. I'm so fat---> Do not agree and if you do you'll be hearing #1
  13. I'm too stressed out about my work for a relationship---> I hate you and I want you to dump me, so it's easier on me.
  14. It's all or nothing---> Stop being an ass hole or you're gone. OR I'll say I want it all to scare you outta here.
  15. It's so good to see you---> Can I go now?
  16. I'm not talking to her anymore---> She fucked my boyfriend
  17. Oh my god you scared me!---> I farted
  18. What does your tattoo mean---> It's fucking ugly and I don't get it
  19. My friend thinks you're hot---> My friend is desperate to get laid.
  20. I don't sound like that do I?---> Ahh fuck I sound like that.
  21. We're gonna go have a girls night ---> All girls talking about people we want to fuck.
  22. I have never cheated on any of my boyfriends---> I have cheated on almost all of them.
     I really do think that women and men are equally smart. I also do think that women have waaaaay to high of expectations for men to meet so therefore, they are idiots. Movies and TV do not help this stereotype either, I don't see any female Rob Dyrdeck's at a fantasy factory (which is my dream job). Women see shows like that and think "ok see they're all like that, that must be what my boyfriend is doing at work while he ignores my calls and texts." I love going to restaurants and hearing women bitch and moan about their wives and girlfriends because where there is a woman bitching there is a man bitching. You may think he's taking a time out to reflect on the fight you had.... NO. He is out getting shithoused and having fun with his boys. Instead of harboring on why you're mad at him he tells your friends your a psycho and gets drunk. The end. This is why women hate men, they seem to have better problem solving skills.

Don't forget to follow
Catch ya later! ---R

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Giving Birth to an Intervention

     As most of you know from my other posts, facebook, twitter and such, I love reality TV, and very little regualr shows. Here are a list of my favorite TV shows and why I love them:
  • Teen Mom: This show has made my life! I love to see young stupid people raise a child, sounds familiar. Maci seems like she has her shit together so I'll leave her alone, at least for this post. Let's start with Farrah who is 1/2 normal. She obviously has an anger problem that stems from god knows what. This chick yells at her mom for no fucking reason. NOOO MOM STOP PISSING ME OFF! Fuck no thanks, and she wonders why she can't find a man. I don't pull that shit for a least 6 months of dating, I let them fall in love with my lady-like charm first. She also on the last episode adopted a dog, what a great fucking idea. So she thinks that her dog will piss in the toilet if she dangles it above the bowl... really Farrah. So stupid. Then there is Caitlin and Tyler <3 awwwww. Fuck that. These "parents" decided not to be parents and have MTV foot the bill for bitching about it. I have watched these two on there for THREE seasons whine and cry about giving their baby up for adoption. And their hillbilly parents who are fucking married. Butch and Amy (I think). Butch is a predator, straight up. In and out of jail and the first thing he says when he gets out is "He needs to get his freak on" Watch it here :Then there is my favorite reality hot mess of all time! Amber and her butterball/punching bag boyfriend Gary. She beats him, she screams at him and she sleeps with him! That's punishment enough for this poor man. But no he wants his baby panda pants back and will stop at nothing to do it, like get drunk the night before Leah's (the daughter) birthday party. He then goes to get "party supplies" and goes to Burger King. OK, of that's a party supply, I'm pretty sure David Hasslehoff needs to be notified. And then he goes on to say that he needs to stop being so lazy as he literally ROLLS off the couch. OH and he broke the stairs in his house, and blamed it on being "particle board." Sure Gary... The people I do feel the worst for are the kids I really do... well except for Brandon and Theresa, who adopted Caitlin's baby. These poor poor people are not only linked to those two breadwinners for the rest of their lives, it's is documented on national TV, no thanks!
  • Intervention: This show literally shows how many families in America are fucked up. Junkie sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, sisters brothers and METH ADDICTS, my favorite! I'm sorry who the fuck uses meth? (Cherrie and Sam do not answer that!!!) No, I like my teeth and I like my skin. I was watching one girl the other night who had me worried for my  life. This girl was a drinker, not an alcoholic in my mind. But her parents were worried because at 20 she binge drank 3 times a week when she was 20. Oh fuck. And now she has up to six drinks a day.... Now I'm not gonna say I have 6 a day or night, but its close. So I guess you guys should be logging on to A& cause according to this show, I need an intervention. Another one of my favorites was this lady and I forget her name now, was driving down the road drinking, I mean really who doesn't do that from time to time... What most people don't do is have 300 airport bottles in a ziplock bag in their purse. Oh and she was on her way to work!
  • Wilfred: Last but not least I would love to talk about Wilfred on FX. It is hilarious. There is nothing funnier about a big man in a dog suit acting like a dog....well maybe Elija Wood acting like a heterosexual is funnier. Here's a clip:This show just cracks my shit up every week. On top of the fact that it is completely inappropriate, the guest stars are what makes the show! A dog molester in a shelter, plenty of 'stuffed' animals and again Elija Wood is acting STRAIGHT! There is not much to make fun of here because I really feel like these people nailed it with this show.
  • 20000000 Kids and Counting: This is probably my favorite show on TV because these people are so up their own ass. This show does the best to show America how fucked up one family of religo-freaks can be. I mean I'm sorry but Jim Bob cannot enjoy molesting that woman anymore, its not even like throwing a hot dog down a hallway (that was at 10 kids), now its like throwing one of Octomom's kids in the ocean. The last poor spawn she had was premature. I'm no doctor but I am pretty sure that baby fell out when that bitch sneezed. Also thats a health hazard. And really why does this woman need to mother anything else? Get a fucking dog. They also all have names that start with J. I don't think that that have a JLO, JWOW or a Jesus yet! I didn't think that there were any J names left after these people get done. I would LOVE to see them name their 40th baby JLO and have Miss Hennifer Lopez sue the Orthodox full coverage pants off those people. Seriously someone needs to either A. call DCS or B. Sterilize that woman. Even better keep that hornball Jim Bob away from her... he's a menace. Maybe they'll give one of their J babies to Caitlin and Tyler and then thy won't be back for season 4!

Thanks as always for reading! Don't forget to follow this blog, thinking about making vlogs as well: thoughts?
See ya tomorrow!!!
<3 R

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

I Can't Put my Fist in Your College Degree

     Today started off fantastic, clean out my closet, cleaned up the house a little, power walked with the dog. All of these things were going on as I was thinking of why I never finished college. I mainly attribute it to, I hated fucking high school. Why the fuck do some people go to college to do nothing. I never wanted to sit behind a desk, be a lawyer, a doctor or a CEO of a company who day trades god knows what. I have gone to college here and there since graduating from high school and hold the phone... I still hate it. So I have made the educated decision to not go back to school. I couldn't decide what degree to get anyway. I did really love bartending though, I loved talking to the people and they became like my second family.
     Anyway, I know plenty of people who are college educated and have regular jobs that did not require a college degree. This kind of irritates me, so here are a list of things a college degree does not do:
  • Does not get me a loan for a car
  • Does not keep me in shape
  • Does not make me a sandwich after sex
  • Does not feed my animals when I forget - that goes for watering plants as well
  • Does not have sex with my husband when I am too tired to
  • Does not go grocery shopping
  • Does not clean my house
  • Does not talk to my in laws for me
To follow up this list I have decided to show a list of some celebs who went to college and some who did not

College Educated:
I would be safe to say that Adam basically told his degree to fuck itself in this movie

While I enjoyed "that 70's show" I think the only thing that his engineering degree is good
 for is getting into those pants.

I am speechless

This is just stupid
 Here are some celebs who never made the attempt:

Cisco Adler: decided to spend his time modeling
Can you believe Micha Barton and Kim Stewart let those things slap againt their ass holes?!?!?!
Linda Hogan: Shes an author now HELLO SUCCESS
Tara Reid: American pie was her jumping off point... into alcoholism
The Hoff: He was binging like he was in college...
       I don't know about you guys, but I'll give you one guess who I rather hang out with!!

Tune in tomorrow as I delve into my favorite TV shows!

 Love ---- R

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Christmas Gifts for the Whole Family

     Alright get ready, I have had a redbull and I'm ready to find the perfect Christmas gifts for your loved ones this year. You should start thinking about this because Kohl's and JCpenny are already cramming the ideas down my fucking throat.

For Mom:
Deck the Halls with DUI's

For Dad:
 All I want for Christmas is a deadbeat dad

Roasting Chestnuts on my boyfriends face
Christmas is coming and so is your anorexia

For Uncle:
Oh Holy turkey, I'm gonna rip into your flesh

For Aunt:
Santa Claus is coming to town, so is Animal Control

For Grandpa:
Do you see what I see? Dementia!
Grandpa needs directions back home from the mailbox

 For Grandma:
The most wonderful time of the day
And when she waits for grandpa's 5 hour trip to the mailbox

For MY Husband:
Jingle Balls
For HIS ball scratching pleasure

     These are just some of my ideas I'm still working out my creativity block, hopefully it comes back to me. I'm having a lot of insparation today, from people who I hate, so stay tuned. I think tomorrow I'll delve into either mail order brides or why people do not need a college degree anymore.

Don't forget to follow this blog!!!!!!
Thanks always <3 --R 

Monday, August 15, 2011

An Ex is and Ex and a Ho is a Ho

     I would like to start off by saying sorry for the last days off, my mother was in town and I didn't want her to think I was a nut on my computer all the time. I was feeling a little uncreative the last couple days so hopefully I'll be back tomorrow. With that being said enjoy:

     Why an Ex is an Ex:
  1. While talking about fooling around, do not say "I'm gonna split that ass like a peach."- No actually you're not going to do that I am not your fat ex-wife who may have liked a blown out ass hole **newsflash some fat people have low self-esteem hence why they're down for that shit** I may have low standards but I will not let you disrespect my asshole. And my ass is in no way a pitted fruit.
  2. Do not  flex your muscles in the mirror and or glass window as you walk by. People can see you, and you look like an ass hole.
  3. Do not sell weed to my family
  4. Do not  lie about selling weed to my family
  5. Do not lie and brag to your boys about tapping my butt hole... it didn't happen. Get over it.
  6. Do not drop baked goods off in my car
  7. Do not  have a crooked penis
  8. Do not tell me all at once out of the blue that you want to get married, have kids and live happily ever after... I'm gonna leave now
  9. Do not dutch oven me. There is nothing less sexy then to be smothered by your foul fucking gas
  10. Do not  lay on your back the whole time during a sexual encounter, because we all know how you bitch about when women do it. It does work both ways.
Why a Ho is a Ho:
  1. You cannot steal my boyfriend. And after you do and it bombs, do not act like we are still friends
  2. After my boyfriend and I break up, do not go around saying how you've been having sex for months, it doesn't make you cool, it makes you a slut
  3. Do not send my boyfriend naked pictures via text or email, I will find them, post them on
  4. Do not post a picture of my boyfriend and you like you're together as your profile picture.
  5. Having 8000 abortions its not cute... Hitler is in hell waiting for you at table 2
  6. Don't brag about trying to be on a reality show that no one watches. Real Chance at Love is not a jumping off point.
  7. If you plan to leave someone don't fuck his friends first
  8. The way to a mans heart is not bending over and tossing you're hair back and forth waiting for him to come to you. The way to a mans heart is to be yourself, confident and walk up to him grab him by the balls and say lets take a walk
  9. Taking pictures of yourself in a mirror just shows that no one likes you enough to take them for you. And they're usually not flattering, go back to farmville
  10. Being a size 6 and squeezing into a size 0 is not sexy. You are just reminding a man why his parents circumcised him.

 Thanks for reading! Hopefully I'll be back on my game tomorrow! Love always ---R

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Farted in the Phone and Laughed About it

     I would like to start today's post off by letting you know what I am doing and not doing. I am currently watching "snooki's" true Hollywood story, then I will watch last nights episode of Teen Mom seeing as though I was a little bitch last night and fell asleep at 11. Then I will be cleaning the house because my mom is coming in for the weekend, obviously this is the last on my priority list.
     With that being said I would like to discuss why some men, not all are "insensitive assholes". as my cousin Sam says. Don't worry guys I will delve into why most of us are straight bitches most of the time in another post.
     First off, I would like to discuss why when a girl is pregnant a man has to act like you are fucking out there? Like I am carrying your "seed" as you tell everyone else, which makes me want to vomit, and you think I'm the one with a fucking problem? You still get up everyday piss normally, walk normally, don't feel nauseous at the smell of beloved nachos, shit regularly, sleep soundly, don't cry all the time and on top of all that fun shit you get to do, you don't have people wanting to rub you down like you're fucking Seabiscuit. It is NEVER okay to touch a pregnant woman's stomach unless they ask if you would like to. Also as I was told this morning, when the preggo wakes up with pains at 3am, do NOT say "you need to know how to cope." First of all again I am carrying your baby, and you tell ME to deal with it. Don't you think you should be a little concerned what the fuck is going on with your "seed"? or I don't know the person that you love. No don't worry my hormones will blow this waaaay outta proportion and I'll cry myself to sleep... thanks.
     Next, just because I am sleeping and not answering my phone does not mean I am out fucking all of Fairfield county. Cherrie my cousin who always has the worst luck with some of her boyfriends will always give me plenty of fuel for this forest fire. Her first boyfriend who I like to call Mr. Matza since he was of that descent. Anyway, this was like 8 or so years ago, but, one night she did not answer Mr. Matza's calls, so enraged he wrote her a letter of reasons to kill herself... really. I think of why to kill myself on a daily basis, like I have a zit, I'm bloated or I am so constipated I can't walk, I don't your ass to give me more reasons. I would also like to say Cherrie is the nicest human alive, she would do anything for anyone and I want to stomp this terd for saying these things to her. Here are some of Mr. Matza's reasons why Cherrie should kill herself.... The bold ones are my favorite!
  1. Called Cherri a Cunt over 90 times
    -Told her she was white trash
    -told her it was good her dad left her
    -told her if you were her father you would leave"Hey fuck face did you die yet"?
    -Called Sam a cunt-Told her, her dad was right for leaving
    -Told her she had a smelly pussy
    -Told her you were doing a favor by going out w her
    -Asked to stick it in her butt a few dozen times
    "Only mable loves you
    "You disgust me"
    "what are you doing - nothing waiting for you to go
    kill yourself"
    -Farted in the phone and laughed about it"We should date other people"
    "I hate you"
    'You know who should go kill themselves, you!"
    "You need a vagina"
    Your only worth 50 bucks, if i prostituted you, youd
    be worth 10 cents"
    "I hope you die"
    "My dad deserves to die"
    -made her cry!
    "Go kill yourself"
    "Are you crying - no - then im not trying hard enough.
    "YOU fucking bitch"
    "Go kill yourself" (like 8 more times)
    "Theres a knife downstairs, go do it"
    "Your a chicken shit, you should go cut yourself"
    "Go cut yourself"
    "You have nothing to live for, you chicken shit""Talking to some cunt"
    "I think you deserve to get hurt"-Yelled
    "You deserve to be hit"-called her cooking bad, never good enough
Sounds like someone is still mad at Hitler. Ladies this gem of a semite is on Jdate!!

  She also dated this guy who I love to call The Muffin Man. He was socially awkward and just an odd human. He loved her from hello. And she drank till the end! Um.... trying to remember the sequence of things... As she realized that the Muffin Man wasn't her Ryan Gossling she decidded to push him away and hopefully he would break up with her b/c apparently she didn't to borrow MY balls to do it. Well that backfired soooo badly... he then became the Muffin Man who stalked her. He would call her and want to go on a "camping trip", which Sam and I were convinced he was going to kill her and rape her corpse because she hadn't slept with him in 4 months. Then after they got back from the trip she started to push him away AGAIN and again it did not work... One morning I get a text from Cherrie and she had asked me if I left a muffin and a poem in her car while she slept... obviously I was too busy drinking to do this and I do not know how to write a poem. Turns out this was the Muffin Mans way of wooing his woman back. I think she ended the relationship with him eventually but the Muffin Man wasn't cooked yet. He decided to pen his love for her on the Internet... what a fucking idiot. He made a 'livejournal" just for her!!!! What a gift from the Christmas Jesus. Lovingly titled "Abuh" he goes on to state..ahh fuck it you read it I couldn't make it better if I wanted to...
       "This is a little late to say now, however I felt it for a few months. I love Cherrie Lyn Sludock. I never said it to her for some unknown reason. I think it had a lot to do with when we first started dating and we were watching some sappy movie and it has the total cliche lines and she said that it was soo lame and whack and I was thinking of a original and or clever way of telling her but I'm just not that creative I spose. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty. What bugs me is that we never fought and the first time she was really genuienly mad at me we broke up over a misscommunication."
     ..... um the miscommunication was that you were a fucking creeper. WHO DRIVES 20 MILES FROM EASTON TO GEORGETOWN TO LEAVE A FUCKING MUFFIN AND A POEM IN SOMEONES CAR... Shit.... I wish I had that poem.

This Post was way too long and I apologise but I got a good laugh out of it and I have many many more stories about this to write about and I will write another one about this. It did get a little off track from insensative ass holes but I know you'll like it... maybe tomorrow I'll write one about what men say to get in your pants, and why it doesn't work!

Thanks Always -----R<3

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Deep Thought Tuesday

     Sometimes I think that humans are the most helpless people around. I also believe that the Orients or aka Asians really prove the above fact on a daily basis with they're 2 year old speaking English and writing calligraphy and the fact that I don't know they're taking over the world. Below are some scenarios in which I show my helplessness and those of my loved ones as well:

  1. This morning after Cami went to take a nap I log onto my facebook and twitter (of course). On twitter I see a tab that says follower requests-20. So obviously I am elated that I have 20 brand new friends to spread my bullshit upon. But of course I had to check something else and accept friends later. I then go to get back to my new friends and I cannot find the page...fuck. So I text my cousin Cherrie thinking that she would immediately know what the fuck is wrong with me or twitter... we both then decide that google is the best tool to solve our problem. Google makes all us white chicks think that we have the answers to all life's questions.
  2. This happened a couple years ago, but this sticks out like a big pink dildo in my mind. Allison, my best friend/and basically sister was on her marry way to pick someone up from a NYC airport. So I printed her out map quest directions (yes this was probably the catalyst for her getting a GPS). There she goes down the Merit Pkwy to NYC. About an hour into her trip I get a call at work from a hysterical Allison who is lost somewhere in Queens... Great. She asks me where she was after giving me a full description of a gas station. In my mind I'm thinking I don't know where the fuck you are, but of course I cannot say that because shes already crying and I will just make it worse. So I convinced her to ask for directions the old fashioned way and ask a Guido. Surprisingly enough she found LGA Airport 3 hrs later.
  3. At one point 6 years ago or so I lived at my grandparents house while they were in Florida for the winter because I was slowly trying to put space between and hopefully break up with my then boyfriend... it worked. Anyway there was this one time when apparently I was a little bound up and finally was able to go to the bathroom. Well I got done flushed and plugged the fucking toilet...of course. And apparently my grandparents never need a fucking plunger because there was not one to be found on the upper level of their home. Great. So what do I do to fix the problem as the water is rising? Call my mama! As she is laughing her ass off... so she tells me that my grandparents keep their plunger in the garage.... really?! Who keeps a fucking plunger in the garage... So needless to say I had a mess to clean up because my grandparents have loose stool...
  4. This one is my favorite. Anyone who knows me knows I love my husband very very much. He is my best friend (aside from Allison) and I can tell anything to him...However he is one of the most helpless people there is on this planet. He'll open the fridge or closet and before the door is all the way open he'll ask me where something is... Like open your god damn eyes and look because I am in the fucking living room, how the fuck do I know where the Frito's are. Oh right they're with all the other chips in the cabinet.... Anyway about 6 months ago he was baking a Digorno pizza in the oven. And of course I should have just done it from the beginning because apparently he needed step-by-step directions (again I love him very much). When the pizza was done cooking he asked me how I usually remove the pizza from the oven rack... So I say drag it off the rack with a fork onto a plate... so with out skipping a beat he says "big fork or small fork?" As he looked at me like I was holding the secret to life, I just looked up and said nothing.... there were no words to express what I was thinking and I still have a hard time putting my finger on it.
With that I'll leave you with a picture of this sultry stunner!
     Thanks for reading, feel free to leave comment and ideas for more blog posts!

Monday, August 8, 2011

Lets be honest

     I would like to start off by saying, I have always wanted to write a blog and finally my cousin Cherrie has pushed me to the point of no return. So here it is, the good, the bad, and the drunk. With out any more disclaimers or kid gloves, this is my life:

      When I woke up this morning I was feeling pretty good seeing as the last week I had been laid up with PMS pains that could cripple an elephant. I knew what was coming because my gas was abnormally pungent. The gas of a premenstraul person is similar to that of a ferril cat.Of course after my second cup of coffee I hit the porcelain thrown, and there it came. My monthly gift that keeps on giving for about 2-3 weeks at a time. I swear I should write Tampax and tell them I will do commercials for free tampons, it would be worth the embarrassment. I also wish I had known this issue of mine would be this bad before I bought my grey yoga pants. Fuck them I guess. Just another waste of money.
     On another note, I was chatting with my cousin Cherrie this morning and we were talking about trying to find our niche. And if we did find one it would have to be something that we could make a living from. I don't think that she knows what she wants to do yet but I came up with a list of jobs that most people need but don't have:
  1. Professional TV watcher: I will watch or DVR, TV shows that you like to watch, while you are at work and give you a full recap of them once a week.
  2. Professional celeb follower: I will go on Perez Hilton and read celeb gossip mags and again fill you in on important details that can start a conversation. 
  3. THAT GIRL:  This is my favorite. Ever see a person and be like "I can't be that girl" I will do it for you. Whether its getting drunk and taking immensely stupid pictures or drinking waaaaay too much at a family function. This is the job that I have the most skills. I am a hot mess 90% of the time. I also have no shame to completely embarrass myself... it has been done before and will happen again. I am that girl in my family so its not just a talent I have... It is biological. 
     I would also like to come clean about my affinity for alcohol. I like to think that 2 dirty martinis make me what Oprah likes to call my "best self." I don't really give a shit if people think I have a problem. I think that they have a problem because they're all up in my fucking business. Like hey why don't you step you're judging ass off and have a Rufalin cocktail or at least make me one and beat it. With that said I would like to tell you all that I am now drinking wine and watching hoarders! (see above if you missed it...I'll let you know what happens for 25$/hr) Reality TV really fuels my vodka/wine/whiskey consumption because I cannot understand that these people choose to keep shit all over their house. So I have to smother my liver with vodka/wine/whiskey to try to see where they are coming from. In honor my alcoholism I would like to mention my favorite alcoholics:
  1. Michelle Sludock: aka my mother! She is a powerhouse of a human.
  2. Cherrie Sludock: As long as there's a "all-in-one" bottle Cher is down to be a hot mess... see fb photos.
  3. Chris Champion: Yes my husband. Because he turns into a dirty horn ball when he's drunk.
  4. Allison Rockwell: Her lips literally turn purple after one glass of wine and she looks shit-housed.
  5. Donald Baker: This guy can throw up a hot dog while rolling down a hill like no one else.
  6. Maryalice: We share the same affinity for boxed wine. Don't really care about the quality as long as it gets us there!
  7. Frank Moore: Of course this list wouldn't be complete with out Frank and at sometimes Donna. Frank was good with Bud and Donna on occasion (Christmas, New Years or Joe coming home from Iraq) would drink Dr. Maglicutties peppermint shnapes... which props to her, is nasty nasty shit. (I know the spelling is wrong, but I don't care, you get it.)
     I would like to conclude this post by showing a picture of my bloodhound, Daisy. Who apparently will also work as THAT GIRL.  Obviously for much less an hour... I think she thinks she's on point.

Thanks for reading and stay classy.
--- R