Thursday, April 19, 2012

Only Crazy People Fall in Love With Me

     I know it's been a while, but I have been searching deep inside myself and was trying to come up with one of the funniest and most mind numbing topics to jump back into the game with. They only thing I could come up with was my love life. 

     I can honestly say I have fallen in love three times. Now that I am older, I can be honest with myself and say that two of those people have fallen in love with me. Of course that doesn't count the people who I have either dated or wanted to date. Loving the idea of someone and actually loving them is very different. There is no question I don't make it easy to let people in on that level. I don't like flowers, I don't want shit on valentines day and I do not want someone who breathes down my neck. If I want a gift I will tell you directly, for instance "I really like that ring _________ has, I would like to have one like it." If you aren't listening to me the first time and you buy me something I don't like, too fucking bad I am going to tell you I don't like it and I will go out and get what I really want. I like my space and really just to be left alone... until I want company. I know but as selfish as it sounds I was able to pull that off for quite a while. I only learned this about myself after my first relationship and it lasted until I got married. I don't need to sit on your lap all the time, I am not a 3 pound tea cup poodle. I do not want you to slap my ass in public, I am not sea biscuit. And I definitely don't want to be kissed on the cheek, I am sure as shit not your mother. However sometimes that gypsy part of me makes me want to put on my running shoes. There is something wrong with me, that when I feel that things are getting a little serious I tend to either A. run or B. sabotage, it's a sickness.

     There are no phrases I hate more than "the one", "soul mate", or "love of my life." Please. If you are lucky enough to be in a serious relationship with someone for more then a year with out hitting them with your car it's at least worth some effort to make it work. If you date someone longer then that especially living with them with out a homicide occuring, you are a very lucky special person. Chris and I have been together for 3 years today actually, and there have been times where I wanted to string him up and watch him kick, I haven't because I feel that 1. I would be caught. 2. Then I would loose my best friend. I think that is an important thing to be friends with the person you end up with because when you are going through a shitty time or a dry spell at least you can kick it and watch Sons of Anarchy Together and have a laugh and not feel so fucking hostile toward each other. Don't get me wrong, if you truly believe that there is no other person on the face of this giant earth that could make you happy tell me to fuck off, but all I am saying is that you happened to meet your spouce. If you were 1000 miles away there may be a person who is either just as good and if not better. Maybe they don't fart at the dinner table or wear socks during sex. Just something to think about. 

     I also always hated breaking up with people. I would rather you tell me in a "nice" way to take a hike then for me to have to tell you. There is some sensitivity chip that is missing from my brain and things come out more cold, cut and dry. My favorite breakup line came from me, of course, and I wasn't really dating this kid but he thought we were. I said, while sitting on the couch together, "yeah I don't think this is going to work anymore, I'm going out with Chris (my now husband) later and I think it would be weird if you were here when he showed up..." And the response fully equip with tears was, "you can be a real bitch sometimes you know that?" Yes I do...I accept that fully, now beat it I have to get ready. Sometimes I do not realize that being honest yet delicate should go hand in hand.

     Like any self respecting nutcase I have songs that basically sum up my relationships. But unlike the ones who match them to Backstreet Boys's - As Long As You Love Me, I am more apt to suggest Stone Temple Pilots and Audioslave, because I love their songs and they tug at your heart but they don't even know what they're about. Maybe being a junkie is the way to figure it out. Grab a needle and put on STP's Purple Album on, and please translate it for me. Any takers? I'm lieing a little bit here, most of the songs I have chosen to share with you all are songs that almost any woman can relate to, and of course I'll post the youtube videos to go along with it in case any of you other crazy bitches out there "don't know these songs"...please I know you do. 

     As was said on Dragnet :"Ladies and gentlemen: the story you are about to hear is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent" Actually I'm going to change some of the names just because it seems like the polite thing to do. But I'm sure some of you out there with half a brain can put some pieces together and solve the great puzzle that is my life.     

     The First: Let's call him Rex
     Beginning of relationship song: Tom Petty - Free Fallin' 

     I'm not going to spend much time on this one because he was the one who didn't love me back. I fell in love with some one when I was 16 and throughout the time we were together I put on 99% of the effort and in the end was disrespected. I really did love him he was funny and stupid and unfortunately a reckless cheater. However I loved being around him though because, he could make the room light up, well and lets be honest my joint. At 17 and 18 and even years after I stayed in love with this person despite other relationships, probably based on his charisma. But after bailing one out of jail time after time there is only so much this chick could take. The last straw came for me when him and I were 'on again' and I found out he was still 'on again' with someone else (who I am currently friends with). In fact they apparently were never 'off' as she told me. A few months later, I was working at the bar and I got a phone call at 12pm, and he asked me to come to the RPD and get him out, I did. Yet the next day I felt raped and pissed off. Why was I the one he called? Because he loved me? hahahahaha no. Because I was the only asshole he could con with 1000 dollars cash in my wallet at that time of night. I was tired and I was done. How do I know he never loved me and that he was just a user? Because when you have loved someone you should always respect them in one way or another even if you are pissed off at them, and he always seemed to get a low blow in whenever he could. It's a really fun feeling.  
End of relationship song: Staying with the same artist here: Tom Petty - Don't Come Around Here No More, it was a tie

     The Nice Guy: Let's call him Mark
   Beginning of relationship song: Alanis - Head Over Feet 
     I really fell hard and fast for Mark because he was just I really nice guy. From the beginning and still now I have nothing but good things to say about him. He worked hard, he didn't do or deal drugs and he was really really good to me. Since we were both coming off "serious" relationships, we thought it was a great idea to jump in with both feet and live together. He was more of a country guy for my taste. I still don't really get the whole cowboy thing, like homes you live in Connecticut, I mean I guess Bethel is the hillbilly side of Redding, but really?! I ran with it anyway, I listened to that cry me a river music and played along but we lived about an hour away from all of my friends and work so it was a pain in the ass commute and I never saw anyone. Playing house for me got a little old and that itch of seriousness was starting to get to me. And of course as a fore mentioned Rex was still in my head. So I did what all of us girls do when we think we should break up with some one, try to get them to do it first! I stayed out late and I partied and he didn't seem to be bothered. He then said to me straight faced, "you know in the next year or so I want to start a family..." Everything went blank from the on and I had to get the hell out of there. So without hesitation I told him flat out, expecting tears that I was moving out and he said "ok, you're going to get back with your ex right? I think I'll call mine too." And just like that with in two days we were separated and "happily" back with our ex's, he later married his, then divorced. It was as easy as a fucking credit card transaction to get out of that relationship and it was amazing, I felt so free!

End of relationship song: The Wreckers - Cigarettes

     This was when I wanted to do nothing but have fun so be prepared for less melodrama and crying and more alcohol consumption.

     The Builder: Justin
     Beginning of relationship song: Gwen Stefani: Luxurious
        To say this was a relationship is a drastic over statement. He was a Guido I met at the hardware store I worked at. And He was a structurally beautiful male. He was always tan, had a long island accent, drove a beautiful truck and had a bad tribal tattoo on his arm... swoon. We had fun, I introduced him to my friends once and they just didn't get it at all. Both of those friends were my two best male friends. Justin was a little bit ghetto yet enough Long Island for me coming off of my year in the "country"... Again he was stupid and for some reason I love that about people. What I really respected about this Pisan was that he called when he wanted me around, or I would call him, other then that we left each other alone. I met his dad, who I loved, such a funny guy and I think he  loved the fact that I didn't want to like get to know the family. We were "together" for about 6 months or so and I thought, well I could start to like wife this kid up, so we talked about it and apparently that was too complicated so we just kind of fizzled out and I was slightly disappointed. But on a scale of 0 to fun, he was fun.      
End of relationship song: The Cranberries - Linger
 (I chose this song for the chorus)

     The "Good Guy": Let's call him Vince
     Only relationship song: Deana Carter - Did I Shave My Legs For this?
     People told me to stay away from this one so obviously, that was like a moth to the flame expression to me. Even my grandparents liked him. Turns out Vince was fun when he was drunk, but completely over compensating. Sorry you're not a man if I have to do all the work all the time...just for that. I'm done with this one, good guy to have as a friend but is cursed with an inflated ego with nothing to back it up. So again to my two best male friends, you were right...again. 

     The Divorcee: Let's call him Ryan
Beginning of relationship song: TheWreckers - Only Crazy People Fall In Love With Me 
     This one was a cocky ass hole who all my friends hated. All of them including my family. He was coming off a divorce, I know I know but I didn't know her. He also was only 4 years older then me so don't get ahead of yourself. Anyway something about him was attractive, probably his I don't give a fuck attitude. We started seeing each other and I really did not care what other people said. But he started getting distant so of course I pushed harder for some kind of relationship. Who doesn't want to date someone who everyone hates. And in true asshole form he stopped calling altogether and starting "dating" some moose that who I thought was a good friend of mine. Bitch don't ask about how my relationship is if you are planning on walking all over it the next week. We are no longer friends, apparently unbeknownst to her. I really think that this relationship didn't work because for 1. He didn't want one and for 2. He wasn't dumb enough for me. I like to be dumb enough to make me laugh at them, and let me have a laugh too. He was always trying to hard to be the cool guy and 90% of the time didn't really know what he was talking about, he had no room to make fun of himself. Although it wasn't a really serious thing the end of it pissed me off. 
End of relationship song: Miranda Lambert - Gun Powder and Lead

     The Last: Chris
     Beginning of relationship song: Miranda Lambert - Strings 
     To avoid any other explanation I ran away to North Carolina because I felt like it. I met Chris a couple days later and I loved him right away. It terrified me because it had been a long time since I felt that way. We had a lot of fun and were, really good drinking friends. He was equally cocky and stupid. He made me laugh and smile every minute. He once told me that he always pictured ending up with a "southern belle" type person, and instead he got a short, mouthy nut job who sounded like she was from Jersey"". I'll take that as a compliment. We went to Myrtle Beach a couple of times and I don't think that I could have been happier. We had our first fight when the second time he took me down there, he borrowed a friends mustang. He had not driven a stick shift in a "while", but he thought there was something wrong with the car, so I made a suggestion that maybe I could drive it and see if I could guess what was wrong with it. So of course I took full advantage and put that car to the test. It drove great, handled beautifully and was in perfect driving condition. Apparently that was a bad idea for me to do. I was later told that, no one had emasculated him that way before, but it was really hot. I didn't drive the rest of the weekend. I got pregnant, we got married. But the only thing that hasn't changed in 3 years, is that I love him and he still makes me laugh, He pisses me off like no one else but more often then not I'm laughing at him and with him, then fighting or feeling like a piece of shit. We have had our hard shit that we have gone through but so far it has been worth it. There is no end song for this one because we haven't ended. Happy anniversary babe. (He probably won't read this as he doesn't particularly understand the blog, and my need to be so direct)

     Don't get me wrong there were other blips on the map but I think all the ones above were worth mentioning...And at least made me who I am today, a crazy bitch who loves reality tv, general hospital and my family

     Now here are 10 rules for dating a twat like me, enjoy:
  1. Do not take yourself too seriously,  do not hold in a fart
  2. Embrace my alcoholism
  3. Do not stop partying before I do
  4. Do not or have ever been on Jdate
  5. Be yourself, because the person you are trying to be sucks
  6. Must love hound dogs including their smells and weekly maintenance
  7. Do not ever tell me to be quiet
  8. Be prepared for your feeling to be hurt (unintentionally)
  9. Hold my hair back when I vomit and then proceed to call me pretty (ignore the smell)
  10. Do not ever point out how you just bought that box of wine, bad idea my friend

     Well I have enjoyed this one I really have and I apologize for my skepticism about two people living happily ever after together. I do know couples that have been together for along time and I think that is great for them, and congratulations on still being alive! 
     Also sorry for all the country songs, but those people write better angry songs then my favorite heroin addict Scott Weiland. He doesn't know what the hell is going on. He just found out last year he was butt fucked when he was 7... just saying.
Love - R