Friday, December 23, 2011

Shit My Husband Says

     Chris does tend to say some funny things but none more perfectly spoken until he has a drink. I do what I like to call field work, I observe him in his natural habitat and make note of all of it on my blackberry to be used against him later. Here are some of my favorites that I have that the smarts to write down.

  • "I just mouth fucked your mouth." - This was in response the virgin diaries on TLC
  • "I'm would take that burger to the smush room." - Watching Man V Food
  • "Oh Santa why don't you just fuck me in that sleigh." - Addressing this http://www.youtube.com/embed/Db4YYKtwv8k
  • "Birds can't fly!!!! Faggot!--- I mean swim, birds can't swim." - When Chris O'Donnell falls in the water at the end of Batman forever
  • "I bet Chris O'Donnell has a little fuckin' wanker" - I made the mistake of telling him in 1994 I would have spread 'em for Mr. O'Donnell
  • "All I saw out of that commercial was the white man overcome he nigre (that would be hillbilly for nigger) - No you didn't, a white man approached a group of black men and then ran away.. Calm it down Hitler.
  • "I don't know what you're freaking out about?!?! They're my balls!!! - This gem came out after I observed him eating a piece of chocolate in left hand and his right hand was clearly in his pants. After I said something he finished candy, took hand off balls, then switched hands....

     It wouldn't be fair if I did not include the two most recent idiotic things to come out of my mouth either so here you go.

  • "Well I would be the American. There was always one American and two foreign." - Who I wanted to be in Global Guts!
  • "I rather make a doodie on your chest then do that." - I actually don't remember what I was talking about, but this is what usually comes to mind when I do not want to do something...regardless of who I am talking to.

I love you all. I hope you have a happy Christmas weekend and I wish I was home celebrating with you guys!
<3 Always --- R

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Life's Questions 2

Welcome to month 2 of life's questions:

  • Is there a reason I'm still awake?
  • Is this pill enough?
  • Is this real life?
  • Why does this guy think I want to sleep with him?
  • Am I wearing too much makeup?
  • Am I wearing enough makeup?
  • Is my poop supposed to look like that?
  • Is it normal for once piece to float and the rest sinks?
  • Do I have to be friends with her?
  • Did I shave my armpits?
  • Can I take a nap in the shower?
  • Am I going to have sex tonight?
  • Do I really have to shave my legs?
  • Will he notice?
  • Is my period going to come soon?
  • Does Ryan Seacrest sleep?
  • Do all the people on say yes to the dress: big bliss look like Patrick from Sponge Bob?
  • Is it normal for me to want to look and dress like Tiffany Amber Thesen and Venessa Marcil from BH 90210 still?
  • What the hell am I going to do with my life?
  • Can I get my tubes tied now please?
  • Are chunky heeled shoes going to come back into fashion again soon?
  • If I am attracted to Mario Lopez does that make me a lesbian?
Love you all! ---R-

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Bad News and Oxycodone

     Well, I guess it's time to spill the beans, I'm sure some of you already know, but Chris will be coming back into the states in the next 2 days. He decided it was best to leave the position in Kuwait and come home. The job was dangerous and they failed to hold up to their end of the deal. He had been there with an expired visa for over a month and this company did not give two shits. And lets be honest, I don't feel like him being on the show locked up abroad. I am very proud of him for even taking the chance to do this and I know that it was very hard for him to be away from his family.
     With that said, it makes me sad to have to say that we will be returning to Michigan. It is absolutely impossible for us to get by around here and with the extra stress of looking for a new job, we don't need it. Obviously Michigan is not my first choice but my in-laws, Randy and Joy, have been more than accommodating of our situation. I'm hoping that we will be able to spend Christmas here with my family and have some time with friends when he comes home, but I do not know how realistic that will be. I Can't say that this is going to be an easy thing to go back there, seeing as it is clearly not my home, but again my in-laws are great people and I do love being around them.
      I love you all very much and I know that this sucks. Now that I have totally cried my eyes out (period time), I would like to tell you about my wisdom teeth being removed the other day and what a hot mess I was.

     So, obviously with this job of Chris's coming to an end I had to get these fucking teeth out of my mouth ASAP. They have been coming in for the last 5 years or so and I thought since they never hurt that was going to be the end of it. Well, it wasn't. Over the past two weeks they have been hurting like a mother-fucker. So Monday morning I call the dentist and he says to come into the office in 20 minutes and he can do it. Let me also say that I have the greatest fear of teeth and dental work on the planet. I hate looking or thinking about teeth. Dentures make me want to vomit all the blood out of my body they are so fucking disgusting. So I had my Grandfather Bob, love him, take me to the appointment, seeing as though he is retired and should get off facebook. So, in full panic attack mode waiting for him to arrive at my house I start jumping. Just jumping around like an idiot, completely stunned out of my mind that this was actually going to happen. All these thoughts came racing through my head, "omg, someone is going to be in my mouth", "omg it's going to fucking hurt", "omg I'm going to vomit". There was no end to the thoughts I was having. They were insane and they want as far as, them not putting me out and ripping them out, then laughing about it. I know I have a complex.
    So Bob gets here, I make him drive because I am in full attack mode. Don't ever drive with him, he stayed behind a semi all the way up rt 7 onto the highway...it's a two lane road now, PASS HIM!!! We get to the office and I fill out the paper work and they take x-rays, and I have to wait about another 45 minutes because the obese diabetic man in front of me had to have all of his top teeth removed, shocking I know.
     I go into the room, I tell the Dr. how scared I am, still jumping up and down, and he just looks at me and says, "Ma'am sit down and let me get you a sedative." haha It was love it first deep breath. I had gas and an IV to knock me out.
     I wake up in a completely different room, which creep-ed me out. So I did some Kiegles to make sure I wasn't raped. I wasn't. I hear my grandfather tell me to get up and that it was time to go. Then they start telling me about all this medication I have to take, when to take them and so on. All I heard was like the noise when an adult talked in Charlie Brown.
     Well, I get home take my medicine and pass the fuck out. Later to realize I have stitches in my mouth. AHHHHHHHHHHHH another thing that I hate more than old people. UGH they make me think of Silence of the Lambs when that creeper is sewing together that lady suit. Omg gross. I had one stitch in my finger once and I made my mom take care of it for me for two weeks. I am a baby when it come to that shit. Apparently I needed the stitches because the teeth were impacted and the gum's had grown over them and started to grow over some of my other teeth. Who knew they were so aggressive. Anyway so they had to cut away the gum and re-affix it back to my mouth with stitches. Still just makes me want to vomit.

     In addition to this I asked some friends about their experiences and here is what they said:

Cherrie: I once took an Oxycontin that was intended for a 300+ pound man and was giggling like an idiot in the parking lot of for Pete's sake deli..
Me: How long were you there for and why did you take it?
Cherrie: I sat in the parking lot for 15 minutes just laughing...by myself. I was trying to wait for it to pass so it would be acceptable for me to drive. I took it for the knots in my back. Let me tell you, it worked like a fucking charm.
 LOVE HER BEYOND WORDS.   

Bethany: I had to have emergency surgery once and when I woke up; I tried to give my doctor a hug and then asked my dad if he could get me a blunt. Not okay. 
 Bethany's 2nd experience:   Also lol when I got my wisdom teeth out, they had given me anti nausea medicine that made me a psycho and I became the hulk. Was trying to yell at and physically harm everyone (nurses and doctors included) despite the cotton in my mouth and also took a swing at my sister. It was a disaster and I have no recollection of any of it. This is just what I was told. Lol

By the way Bethany has a blog and if you are an avid reader of mine you will love hers here is the link: http://sassafrasssy.blogspot.com/ 

     I took Allison to get her wisdom teeth out. After she was done she was done she went into the recovery room and let me tell you her nurse was an idiot. The woman hands me the packet of what we should and should not do and eat and such. So as I'm reading this list over it says not to use a straw or hot food or cold food. Also, not to eat dairy because it will rot out the sockets. So as I finnish up, this nurse comes back in and says "Alright, hun! Well I think you're ready to go home! I think you should stop at McDonalds on the way home and get a nice cold milkshake!" Lady maybe you should read this because you basically just fucked up your job.

Love you all --R

Sunday, November 27, 2011

What I am Thankful for...

    Obviously I am thankful for all the normal shit like family, friends and free blog pages! Really though, I like holidays but I'm always cynical about how people only get together on holidays. Here are the things that I am thankful for this joyful holiday season.

  • Wine - 90% of the time I find that it is my best option
  • Rx Drugs - 100% of the time they keep me from killing someone
  • Daisy -She is the hairy love of my life, well when Chris isn't around
  • Penises - In a sexual way only, other that that you are looking at prison time (thanks B)
  • Lady Gaga - I wish I had the balls that she had to do what she does and act however she feels
  • Deodorant - Do I really have to say?
  • The Notebook - Just when I think my tear ducts are filled with sand, this movie reminds me I'm still human
  • Sons of Anarchy - Makes me hopeful that there are actually outlaws out there and maybe, just maybe one day I can be one.
  • Pasta - Feeling sorry for myself food always has a place on this list
  • Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee - For being the best role models for me out there!
  • Laxatives - Helps a sista out from time to time
  • Liquid Eyeliner - Makes me look like I actually try
  • Push up Bras -I can only wish that one day I won't need one...
  • Mashed Potatoes and Stuffing - See explanation for pasta
  • Mascara - Makes me look not anemic
  • Television - What else would I have to talk about if it wasn't for TV?
  • Laguna Beach - Where would LC be now? Who else's clothes would I buy at Kohl's
  • Long Island - The very convenient escape that all of us make fun of. I will always love LI 4 LIFFFEEE


     I of course am always thankful for my friends and family and here is why:


  • My Mother: I will repeat this as I did in my first ever post: She is a powerhouse of a human. This woman can drink and smoke me under the table of she wanted to. I love that about her. I hate however how she cannot watch one movie without talking through it. 
  • David: My stepfather is literally the sweetest man alive. He would do anything for anybody. Also, when he has a good party face on he will tell you over and over again how much he loves you. Ex "Allison, you're not my daughter, you're not even Michelle's daughter, but I love you like you were my daughter." Ahhhh love
  • Allison: My best friend and my sister (not biologically) we love our wine time and to shop. I have known Allison forever. We laugh and cry together and I'm sure 30 years from now she will still be on this list. And Amanda of course.
  • My Grandparents: I love them to death, however challenging they can be. I'm not going to say too much more on that, other than I love them dearly and that when they get old and forgetful, they're going into a home. Anyone who knows my grandfather will understand why. Talk about the 2 nicest humans on the face of the earth. I have never met one person in my whole life who did not like them, and going through life like that is not easy to do. 
  • Cherrie: My beautiful cousin, the sweetest human alive with a wild side. She is so smart and sassy, I just love her. We have daily BBM sessions in which we have a dick measuring contest with what we want to do with our lives. Nothing comes of it but we a get a laugh and it makes the day go by so quick.
  • Sam: My other beautiful cousin, I love her so much and for being my PIC for so many years!
  • Don Baker and Sara: Friends that I know I will always have and that are always around to have a laugh with. You can go 6 months to years with out seeing them and they are the same great people that they have always been and they'll be waiting for you beer in hand. 
  • Brian R: My best Georgetown friend who I love so so much. He has always been a great friend to me and makes me laugh no matter what. 
  • Joe: My first ever Marine bud. Daddy Frank introduced us and from there it was like 2 peas in a pod. I love you to death b/c you don't give a shit about anything or anyone for that matter and all questions can be answered with a shoulder shrug. And obviously Michelle for putting up with him. 
  • Husband: Obviously he is at the top of my list but I figured that this was a good way to close. I love Chris so much, he makes me smile and laugh unlike anyone else. He is a foul person with crude intentions and I love it. He is the person who is most like me that I could have ever found. I can tell him anything and he has never told me I was out of line, which is hard in itself. My heart just breaks when he's away. So with that, I love you Hun!




I love all of you - R- 

    Sunday, November 13, 2011

    Lifes Questions

         Sometimes I find myself asking myself questions that only I could come up with. However wrong they may be I can't help but laugh at myself. I am also thinking about making this some kind of regular post, weekly or monthly something like that. Here are some of the most recent ones:

    • When is it appropiate to bring my own alcohol?
    • Why do old people like to smell like pine?
    • Is there a reason for "expectant mother parking"? and why is it ahead of the handicap people?
    • Is Nicolas Sparks a homosexual?
    • Does Jennifer Lopez need to tan?
    • Why does my dogs gas smell like eggs when she has not had an eggs?
    • Why do dogs chase cats?
    • Why does my dog not care about cats?
    • Who drives a Kia Sol?
    • What kind of alcohol says I'm trying to grow up but still be drunk?
    • Is wine a good alternative to cocaine?
    • Why are tampons circular and only obsorb on its polar sides and then ruin my 20$ panties?
    • Is there a road map to life and where can I buy one?
    • Can I purchace someone a wife for Christmas?
    • Why do people I went to high school with want to be friends with me still?
    • Why do the Stone Temple Pilots make me want to kill myself but I cannot turn them off?
    • Did Kurt Kobain (Spelling?) really kill himself?
    • Why am I expected to be fake nice to people?
    • Is there a way to teleport to Brookfield so I don't have to drive in lunchtime traffic?
    • Why does the Danbury mall think that it's in Manhattan?
    • Is my attachment to my dog normal?
    • What is everyone elses problem?
    • What is my daughters problem?
    • Should I put my box of wine in a bag to enter someones home?
    • What does Daisy dream about?
    • What does Shannon Sossamon do now?
    • Will I ever touch Donnie Walburgh?
    • Can I have an engagement ring please?
    • Who can I tell that I wish bad things on other people?
    • Is there something else I'm supposed to be doing?
    • Will I ever own a midget?
    • Is the previous racist, sexist or.....?
    • Why is walmart still open?
    • How do I become famous without fucking a black man with a crooked penis or Rick Solomon?
    • Is there a social networking site that I can use where I can actually say what I want to?
    • Should I have another glass of wine?
    • Why is my gas worse close to my period?
    • Why does my period last for 3 weeks on occasion?
    • When they tie your tubes are they really tied?
    • When do I start Christmas shopping?
    • If mama Cass was so fat shouldn't her wind pipe have been big enough to fit a chunk of sandwich?
    • Is guilt a normal human emotion?
    • Is there something I should be doing?
    • Can I buy an Asian to do my nail and wax my eye brows?
    • Why do people buy other people musical Hallmark cards?
    • Do I have to put makeup on to go out?
    • Do I have to be friends with hillbillys?
    • What if those hillbillys date a friend of mine?
    • Why do people look at the past like a bad thing, not like I dodged a bullet?
    • Why do I care about offending people?
    • Can I pretend to like you while you tell me your life story so I can repeat it to Allison and laught at you later?
    • Are claw hair things still out of style
    • What am I supposed to do with a Ford Fusion...really?
    • Should I have more pictures of my daughter and less of my dog?
    • What is a Wiz Kalifa?
    • Does anyone see this as fucked up as I do?

    I love all of you and I wil leave you with this beautiful picture of my favorite baby <3 R

    Saturday, November 12, 2011

    Can I Jam This Ice Pick Into My Ear?

         As I was writing yesterdays blog and I started to bitch about LMFAO and their hideous choice in a career, I started to think what other songs really have dumb ass lyrics. Then this morning I was going for a walk with my kid in Bethel to clear my head and I heard a song that will be listed below and I thought what possesses someone to write them down let alone song it out loud. And who was the asshole that produced this? He should be shot. I'm going to try my best to find videos for these atrocities so that if you don't know the songs by name you can hear these little audio sodomies yourself. I would also like to add that I am listening to Queen and David Bowie and LOVING IT.

    My name is Keri, I'm so very, Fly oh my, it's a little bit scary, Boys wanna marry, looking at my derrière And you can stare but if you touch it Imma bury Pretty as a picture  
    Sweeter than a swisher Mad 'cause I'm cuter than the girl that's with you
    I don't gotta talk about it baby you can see it But if you want I'll be happy to repeat it
    All eyes on me when I walk in, No question that this girl's a 10 Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful
    Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful My walk, my talk, the way I drip
    It's not my fault, so please don't trip Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful
    Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful
        No one wants to marry someone because they have a nice ass, lets start off with this. I like to think that I have a nice caboose, but no one has ever said to me "Hey Ma, you gotta nice ass wanna wife up." and OBVI that would be an immediate disqual. And saying shes as pretty as a picture, sure shes a cute girl as you can see in the video, but lets be honest, anyone who thinks that highly of themselves to me looks like Rosie. And she may be cuter than you girlfriend, but I'm sure your girlfriend isn't a giant bitch with a queen complex. No one has the right to call themselves a 10, you are always biased to yourself. How about step away from your mirror face, everyone looks better when they're staring at their make up an inch away. 

    I am the man who will fight for your honor I'll be the hero that you're dreamin' of We'll live forever, knowin' together That we did it all for this ghetto ghetto love I'm lookin' at this sexy girl from a distance
    She's so damn style I'm a witness Let me tell ya woah  Move that thing ya woah Let me tell ya
    And then I take her to the parking lot Jump into my car and straight to my spot say woah
    Then she started a fight as we stepped out the club Only cause a fan trying give me a little hug
         Ok I heard this today and I suggest you watch the video. because it's a shitty one. First off, the chorus is a rip off of Peter Catera's "Glory of Love." And yes I know that no google use here. He probably just needed a pay check and that's why these people ripped his song. Second what is a ghetto love? Maybe I'll never know, but I would love someone to try to explain it to me. Is it like JLo and P.Diddy or Jay-Z and Beyonce? Or is it like Eminem and Kim? I am severely confused. What is moving like woah? Because when I see something that makes me say woah, it's not a good thing. Also you have no fans, and even if you did I am pretty sure they're like 12 I would have nothing to worry about, thanks for your concern. Lastly, I am not going to get into your car, you may have drugs in there and to be honest I don't want to go to jail over your dumb ass.

    Oh, wanna dance with somebody I wanna feel the heat with somebody
    Yeah wanna dance with somebody With somebody who loves me
         So you don't want to dance with Bobby Brown or cocaine... got it.

    Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block Used to have a little, now I have a lot No matter where I go, I know where I came from (South-Side Bronx!)
    From In Living Color to movie scripts To On the 6 to J. Lo to this headline clips
    I stayed grounded as the amounts roll in I'm real, I thought I told you
    I'm real, even on Oprah That's just me Nothin phony, don't hate on me What you get is what you see
    Normally I have no problem with Hennifer, I really don't except on this song. We know you have a lot Jen you don't need to write a song about how real you are. And we all do know that you came from the Bronx, you say it in like every song you sing. I would not brag about your movie scripts they are not that great. I'm not talking about Gili I never saw it, I was thinking more Maid in Manhattan. Oprah doesn't care how real you are either, all that she knows is that you and her are real-ly rich.


    What would you do? What would you do if I followed you? What would you do if I follow?
         I love Stone Temple Pilots with all of my heart. There is not one day that goes by that I don't listen to them. It is a must just to get out of bed in the morning for me. I love this song soooo sooo much, but this set of lyrics alone is disturbing. If Scott was following me I would love it let me tell you. What a beautiful human being. On the other hand if it was a nasty human I would call the cops.


    Now I would like to list all of the bands and artists I listen to on the regular because they are spectacular, I'm sure most of you won't appreciate it:

    1. Tom Petty - and all satellite bands of his
    2. Queen
    3. David Bowie
    4. Audioslave
    5. Stone Temple Pilots
    6. The Wallflowers
    7. Black Crows
    8. P!nk
    9. The Wreckers
    10. Pearl Jam
    11. The Alman Brothers
    12. Ace of Base
    I know some of them are not fantastic to everyone, but there is something about these 90's bands that I just can't kick.

    We'll see if you guys get one tomorrow
    <3 you ---R
     



    Friday, November 11, 2011

    Eye Twitch

         Recently I have been overwhelmed with things that piss me off. I know that everyone is an individual and has their own right to act a certain way. FALSE. I personally feel that if you can not act like a civilized human, stay in your God damned home. You don't need to get behind the wheel and hold everyone else up. Stop acting like an ass hole, go home and take a pill. Being a dick to someone at the store isn't going to get you're point across. Maybe smile and be nice and possibly charming and you'll get what you want or at least closer to it.
         I went to the post office the other day and there was a man there talking to the post lady. So he starts asking her all these questions about the dumbest shit ever. "Hey hunny do you sell reams of paper here?" Um no sir its a post office not fucking staples. Then he says "What about cheerios?" Really dick, if you don't have something of value to say, don't say shit. The post lady nor me don't give a shit about you and we want you to hurry the fuck up so I can send a package to Marines in Afghanistan who really matter... move away from me.
         This snow storm was also a means to an end to my charming attitude. I assumed my local liquor store was closed because of the power outages. So, on my way back from the mall I went all the way through Bethel and on my way back was rerouted down a back road because the Town of Redding (aka Knapp Tree (no qualms with them)) was "working on the lines." Fine I have no problem with that except that it was down Umpawaug Road, which even on the best day is a beaten path. So as I'm balls deep down there, on the narrowest part of the road, I'm looking for one of Redding's finest to I don't know, direct traffic. Cricket Cricket. There is no cop anywhere in sight. And there are about 600 fucking cars on this road. Fantastic. So needless to say it took 45 minutes to go down Umpawaug Road an inch away from other peoples cars and Georgetown Package was open. Can we say instant eye twitch.
         I'm starting to get pissed off at other peoples relationships. I don't give a shit, how much you love each other. Stop telling me. Share it with someone else. I don't want to see you post music videos of lovey dovey songs on facebook, neither does your boyfriend or husband. I'll admit I will email one to Chris or send a private message to him with the song or whatever in it. But here's the secret to why I don't fall into the category. Because it's a God dam private message. Because these are our private feelings. I don't need or want my friends or Chris's friends being like "Jesus can she get off his dick for like 2 seconds?!"
         I also don't understand why that just because I'm married to someone I have to adopt all of their friends as my best friends? In my case it works because I love 95% of Chris's friends. But there are people I know who are up their spouses friends assholes. Like, chick leave these guys alone. They don't even like to talk to their mothers why do you think they want to shoot the shit with you? I also feel too like you can over do it with them, for instance, I am a proud American. I always if I see an old man with a service hat on say thank you for what they have done. It's a respect thing. What I don't do is go ape shit on days like Veterans Day, Memorial Day and such. For one, it makes you look like an attention hound. For two, no one gives a shit what you have to say. Okay? I find it very convenient how much you love the Marine boys and feel the need to share. I love them too, my mother loves them, my step-father loves them, join the fucking club. My Aunt Charlotte invited Mike B to visit them in FL at their retirement community, his response "I would love to go and sleep on ya fuckin' hammock." And she still loves them! So don't think you need to be the "only one" who is supportive, you look desperate. Also don't call them your Marines... I HATE that, "My Marines." Please the one your sleeping with is hardly yours. One trip to the Driftwood and he'll have Miss. Candypuss moved in, pregnant and and you'll be heading back to Ishotthatchipmunkfordinner, VA where you belong.
         LMFAO, you are not sexy and everyone knows it. You look like a bunch of homeless people dancing around for money. Your songs sound the same and they are horrible. Why would MTV have the Real World Miami 2 work for you? Really and champagne showers...is disgusting. If your fluids slightly resembled the taste of champagne, sure then that would be an appropriate saying. But it doesn't And I'm pretty sure a "champagne shower" in a club is a felony. Just a heads up. I would actually like to go ahead and say that I have XM radio in my car and I wish that when LMFAO came on my radio would reverse song seek and turn on another channel. I hate them. 

    I love you all and thank you for letting me vent -R

    Thursday, November 10, 2011

    Bad Tattoos

         Ok people, I've gotten that itch for a tattoo again, so I figure this will help me wait at least a week to make that decision.
         Have any of you ever seen a tattoo sooooo bad you want to actually cut that persons flesh off? I have and its hard not to. For the most part I love all of mine! I think I have somewhere around 20. And I would say that 18 of them are definitely staying. Most of the time if you do your research and take your time getting one you will not be disappointed. I do personally believe getting someones name tattooed on you is a bad idea, I know that first hand. Thank god I covered it up with an appropriate animal and it reminds me never to do that again! There was a girl I know once from Ridgefield, she was a couple years younger than me and she had her boyfriend initials tattooed right on the face of her vagina. CN. Outlined in black and colored in with turquoise. I immediately felt like she was an idiot and that it was a bad bad idea. I mean really. There is no coming back from that .Needless to say they broke up and he went to jail for 10 years for breaking a bottle over some chicks head or something. Oh love, how stupid. Here are some tattoos that I feel should never have been inked. Or at least someone should have shot the inkee before going in the door.

    Portraits:
    I always think that this is a bad idea. I think that most people don't have an eye for tattooing faces, here are the reasons why:
      I'm pretty sure your dead wife loves this charming memorial
    Why adoption is legal, if that was my kid, I wouldn't have picked it up from the maternity ward
    
     I didn't know LeAnne Rhymes was a negro, she wears white people make up!
    Maybe that's why her little brother divorced her!
    
    Your baby looks cute with a odd head in color.
    Your baby looks like and old version of Nelson Mandella on your back.
    
     
    That boy is going to leave you for a stripper. You may have loved PFC in boot camp but he's coming back with a deployment check that you will not see... and all the other BRO's on base look like that hunny, find another one.
       

    Oddly Placed Tattoos: People put shit in the strangest places...
    Hey look, there's a pretty girl with a tattoo, OMG that shark is eating a baby...Move along
    
    Animee is going to die one day... probably before you will.
    
    I have nothing to say about this, other than good luck getting a job
    
    See full size image
    Btw, that's a vagina
    Chastity Bono's Old one?
    
    
    This is foul
    
    I would have hated to be this artist...
    
        Obsessive tattoos: Logos and such

    
    Oh Mozilla, How I love thee.
    

    I think he loves Brenda... But does Brenda love skin head is the question?
    
    There is a website about people like this

    
    Shes a Barbie Girl! Obvi she and I were the only 2 people who bought the Aqua album

    
    Should have thought differently about getting that tattoo
    

    
    This is just stupid
    Finger Tattoos:


    So is your career search

    
    I'm so gangsta. I'm so thug
    Asian gangs 4 liiiiifeeee
    
    
    mmmmm Saucy!
    

    Tattoos of Disgusting Things or in Gross Places: I have no words for these, they are just foul.

    








    Thanks for reading --- R

    Friday, October 21, 2011

    Why I Do Not Like Children

         I have never known what to do around kids who are younger than me. I especially have a hard time with children children. I never know what to say or do when they're around, I feel like I have to entertain them. When you ask them what they want to do and their shoulders just shrug, like I am supposed to be the fun one? I am old and you are supposed to be the imaginative one. My imagination swings as far as vodka or rum. Club soda or juice. I don't give a shit about your PSP or DS. I mean is my dog supposed to entertain you? Because Daisy doesn't give a shit either. She does not fetch nor run. Have fun with that.
         What does one say to a child? You offer food and drink then what? How much children food are you supposed to have in your home at one time? And juice? I keep a limited supply that is mine. I also have a limited supply of food, especially things like Chewy bars or whatever the hell else a kid will eat. It doesn't take too much to sustain my 110lb frame so things such as roll-ups and dino oatmeal are things that will never be in my cabinet. Also, when someone comes to my house I ask them if they want a drink drink, not like water or soda. My options are always beer, wine and vodka. The end. Hopefully your child is teething when they come to my house.
         To further explain my core shaking fear, I feel like I cannot talk like a human in front of them either. I mean I talk to my kid as an adult because otherwise I feel like its insulting to her. I do however respect people who choose to shield their child from people like me. But I don't feel like it is appropriate for me to talk like a child, I am not a child anymore so I'm not going to ask your kid, "Do need some more juicy juice, you little snuggle muffin face?" No thanks. I rather not. When I ask you a question, I expect an answer. What do you want to watch on tv? (shoulder shrug) ANSWER ME!! For the love of god. What channel? Do not tell me a number. Channel numbers change regionally. Everyone knows that.
         And what is it with people who let their kids suck on a pacifier till they're 12? That kid is going to grow up and want to suck the nipples off all of his girlfriends. Or behead them and eat their body parts. I have no time for ineffective parents. Breast feeding is a horrible idea as well. Everyone says that this is a good thing for the baby...false. That kids now has an unhealthy attachment to his mother. They will be overly needy and clingy to anyone who even smells like their mother. And lets just say that the mother complex is not a fun thing. ( I am not talking about Chris, just to clarify.) Cut the cord people! Also don't threaten your kids. I don't want to hear you say, "Do you want me to tell your dad what you're doing?" Shut the fuck up and deal with your kid. You spread your legs and dropped it off, deal with the big boy part of this, because I can't listen to that kid anymore!


    Thanks for letting me vent to you all
    I love you -R

    Thursday, October 20, 2011

    Shoot To Kill

         So this is something that I am not pleased about to say the least. Hillbilly's and guns do not mix. On another note there are times when something like this makes me think what the hell was running through that rednecks mind when he told all of his deputies to shoot 48 rare animals dead. So last night I had a few, as usual, and put on my backwoods mind cap and came up with this. Something is going to get lost in the translation of this so I am going to try to sound out some words where I feel they need to be accentuated. Here is the Link to what actually happened: http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2011/10/19/police_seek_escaped_exotic_animals_in_ohio/
    And with that I'll leave you to Captain Dipshitz report on what happened. Get your inner southern accent out people, you're going to need it.


         My name is Officer Dipshitz, and I am here to attest to what occurred in the woods on Tuesday of this week. I got a call on my CB UHradio and I was told that there was a animal disturbance out on Muskingum Farm. So I loaded my shotgun and headed out there. When I came to the scene, I saw that the owner had shot his head clean off. I mean why in gods creation would he shoot his face off. How is his momma gonna give him a proper burial with no face. I heard that when someone has no face they have to be cremated, and cremation is a sin. Jesus does not like burned up bodies. As I pulled up onto the farm, I saw many animals like big cats and monkeys and stuff, all prancin' around free like. I never saw so many animals runnin' around like that before. I called for backup and when they finished their breakfast and paid Jimmy the diner man they rushed right up here and asked me what to do. I told Loyd and Fred, SHOOT TO KILL, I REPEAT SHOOT TO KILL. We then all stealthy like swept the land and shot those deadly fuckers so that they wouldn't hurt any of our society. I mean could you imagine a tiger getting loose on Main Street?! Jimmy would have a stone cold fit. We would be getting all sorts of calls. I think in all we shot 200 animals. Our town is safe. There was one monkey that we have not found. I'm going to go on record and say that one of those devil cats ate it.
         I am getting all sorts of bad publicity from this. People are sayin' I was wrong to shoot the animals. But I'ma turn it right back on those people and say, "Hey, what if it was your town huh? Would you want the local zoo runnin', shittin' on your street?" I think that that would agree with me, Officer Dipshitz. I mean when I killed those animals I was in uhrage, and I could not control myself. It was like the good Jesus opened huntin' season early. Some of the animals were taken to the zoo and I don't think that that is a god idea at all. Those heathens are gonna kill a zoo worker. It happens everyday. Look at that tiger man in that Las Vegas, he was that cats best friend, against his better judgement, and that animal, that Satan's creature almost killed him. Because he trusted it. Shame on him. I don't even let my dog in the house. Duke Sleeps on the porch.
         I will always stand by my decision and say that those animals were on the move and that they were aggressive. And even if that monkey is alive he has herpes. I don't know where he got it and I am not prepared to say if the owner of the farm was mOlesting his monkey, but one can only speculate. He was not a nice man. And obviously not a good Christian. He blew his own face off.
         Well I got to get goin' there is a monkey on the loose with herpes and I'm gonna get it, he's mine. After this I will have no further comments. Thank you to our troops for protecting the great USA and thanks to us this town is safe from infected animals. I will leave you with a picture of all of Satan's creatures, that's me in the black.

    A slew of dead animals are seen on Terry Thompson's property: Ohio law enforcement officials killed 49 of the 56 wild animals that Thompson freed from his 73-acre ranch before killing himself.


    Thank you for letting me be a complete idiot on a regualr basis, if there is anyone you guys would like me to speak for please let me know. I had a lot of fun with this and I hope to do it again.
    Love always ---R

    Wednesday, October 19, 2011

    Pipedream

         So I am sitting here eating veggie spring rolls and watching say yes to the dress big bliss, and thinking about things I should have done while I had the chance. I feel like everyone thinks this way from time to time. The way I'm thinking about it though is not in the traditional sense. Sure, I could have a college degree right now and I don't Wahh wahh, whatever. I've never measured success with a piece of paper that cost me 70,000 dollars. Yeah, Chris and I could have had a wedding and nice rings and all that happy shit, but guess what, I rather not see most of the people that should be invited and I'm too lazy to think about it. So in no way in those aspects would I say coulda, woulda, shoulda. But here are the things that I truly feel that I have missed out on in my life:

         Joining a Motorcycle Club: I know you all are rolling your eyes right now. But obviously after watching Sons of Anarchy, I feel like What the hell was I thinking?!?!?!  I should have done that. I mean really, what part of me screams domesticated? Being out on the road and being free, sounds right up my alley. Who wouldn't want to straddle Jax, Opie and my favorite JUICE! So sexy. Anyway, sorry I had a moment. And Gemma, shit, what a powerhouse. I would love to walk around and know that no one is going to fuck with me. I would also like to have the cops in my pocket. Speeding tickets and licence suspensions are just a hassle that I think should go away just because my husband will fucking kill you. I have a feeling that they get a discount on leather jackets, and I need one! None of them care if they have a collage degree because they have AK's. If someone said to Jax, "um I'm sorry you can't work here because you don't have a degree", They would have 2 in their forehead in about 30 seconds then he would come home and do me... I mean Tara.

         Learned How to do Makeup: This is where I have a problem. Apparently the only thing I can do is foundation and eyeliner. If I get my little fingers on a bottle of bronzer, watch out universe I will make you all look like a fucking carrot. I feel like I cannot get tan enough. So, since in the past I have relapsed and gone back to the bed, I felt that the bronzer was the best option. Not in my case. It's kind of like a meth head going to coffee, cigarettes and hydro-drugged-weed, that is not a responsible crutch. So I have stepped away from the bed permanently and resorted to the tinted lotion, it only browns so much, however there is a way to apply it that will accentuate the boobs. Now on to the face. I personally feel that colored eyeshadow makes me look like a tranny. Actually I think that most makeup makes me look like a tranny, its annoying. My cousin Cherrie has the best looking make up always and it's like, trick what is your secret? The question that I can't get past is, "if I got all this makeup on, why do I have to put jeans on? Why can't I wear yoga pants?" Also, why doesn't your regular face look like your mirror face. When you do your makeup in a small mirror and you think that you are looking fly, back up look at the whole picture and say, "Where the fuck did my make up go?" Ugh it is pointless.

         Be Famous: This is something I think I would be good at. I can't act, I can't sing and I don't dance. So I can either be similar to Kim K (Minus the black male with the crooked dick), Paris Hilton (add 10 lbs and take away the extensions) or Coco, don't add or take away anything. Unfortunately I don't have a famous parent to give me a boost and I don't think I would ever spread my legs or repeatedly tear my Bhole for a living. No way. I would also like people to do my hair and makeup for me and also bring my mail to the post office and go grocery shopping. So I think that I would actually not like to be famous as much as I would like a personal assistant. Why does someone who likes to take it up the ass get famous? I mean really when actual real people do that they're not in a diner doing 5 at a time saying "would you like to stick your sausage into my pancake" Gross. If I ever said something like that to Chris, he would laugh hysterically, walk outside and never touch me again. Like why are you thinking of diner food and calling my dick a sausage when I'm coming at you.


    This is the best I had in me today. But now I am watching hoarders and then intervention... I'll have much more tomorrow.
    I love you all --R <3
        

    Saturday, September 17, 2011

    Ain't No Nugget Small Enough

         This is my way of forgetting what is going on in my life now. Chris is in Kuwait for a year and even though I'm moving home to be with my friends and my family, I can't help but feel like I still want my best friend with me when I go to bed at night. He does love it over there witch is a good thing so I can't really complain!   
     
         Over the next week or so I will be blogging about things that amuse me, I can't do it all at once since I have been packing like a mother fucker and I will be unpacking when I get home.


         Midgets: I love these stubby little fuckers. They are like real people torsoes with T-rex arms and Rosanne Barr legs. My favorite combo. These little nuggets are like a gift from the Easter Jesus! They are so feisty yet delicate. I was watching a show earlier called "Hulk Hogan's Mini Wrestling,"or something, all I know is that Christmas came early. Those little people know how to tangle. I wish I knew how to throw down like that. (Tru TV Fridays at 10). I wish I had one as a pet, I really do because they eat what I eat, they shit in a toilet and they can dress themselves, unlike my 1.8 yr old daughter. They are like the perfect companion. I mean I can always look down on them and I will always be the one driving, which is a big deal for me! I rather have a nugget that has some kind of talent that I can exploit at like a party or TV audition though. Like OK " Stand there and snort that spaghetti up your nose and fart it out." That would definitely take like 30 minutes more for a full grown human learn how to do. More bang for your buck in those little fuckers. I would guess that their life span is shorter than an average human, but they are just so much more fun. I have this overwhelming urge to go to the park with one, and push them on a swing, play Frisbee and gallop gleefully through a field hand in hand. The TLC channel has dominated this species. They have little people big world and the little couple. These shows would not be on TV if a regular family had 1 midget son, and the couple were regular adults trying for a baby. There is some sick kind of need for us bigs to see how these people live. There is a magnetic draw to these limber limbed humans. My husband Chris and my father-in-law Randy just crack the fuck up when I talk about a "nugget" that I have seen. I personally think that they are in awe of my commitment to these little snuggle muffins. Chris and I were recently in Cleveland and he took this picture while he was smoking outside the bar we were in, and quickly sent it to me....
    This was the best present I could have gotten. And this is why I love him so much. I wasn't outside to see this and it was so romantic how he thought of me! I would like to know where they get their clothes, shoes and cars, I mean someone needs to let me in on this secret. Not because I want to go get some for myself being only 5'1", but I want to go to the lair and befriend one. Who's to say that my soul-midget isn't waiting for me somewhere. Who are they? What would they be like? Where will I find them? Will they let me do their hair? Can I put a saddle on Daisy and have them ride her? There are sooooo many questions I have. I hope one day me and my tater will unite.... Until then I'll keep dreaming...


    Thanks again for reading I know I am a fucked up human but it works for me....
    Follow me in twitter @bobzc and on facebook Robyn Sludock
    Love always see you in a couple days! -----R

    Thursday, September 8, 2011

    Unsupervised

         I know you people who know me personally, know that Chris is going to be deployed again to Kuwait for a year. NOOOO not with the military but with a private contracting company doing some kind of super fucking classified shit ( I know, it's a big deal). Anyway I have lost a little creativity lately thinking about this constantly. I have wanted to cry my fucking eyes out on a daily basis thinking about my best friend being gone. He knows he is doing the right thing for himself and for our family but either way it is going to be hard. There are some people who bust his balls on a regular basis about him "leaving his family," and "abandoning Robyn and Cami," to those people I say back off and that's all the time I have for you. I also have not written like I normally would because I have been trying to hold my tongue and not say anything stupid to fuel the fire. Well fuck it. With my lack-of-creativity-week behind me I started to write a blog about why we do the things that we do but my heart wasn't really in it. So I started to think of ways that I could incorporate what is going on in my life with this blog and hopefully to lift my spirits. I have started thinking of things that I will do when Chris is gone, almost like a bucket list to keep me busy and not think about him being gone all the time. And strangely enough I found myself excited for the things that I can do while he's gone. So thank you for letting my vent a little and here is what I think I want to do while Chris is away:

    • Dress Like a Human: In the last 2 years I have really been confined to me yoga pants, soffee shorts and marine corps t's. I feel like a fucking bum. When I go to the grocery store I see people wearing nice clothes, heels and make up. To me this is pointless who are you going to see at the grocery store that will care but I guess I should care at least a little more. Also the only people who are in the store that are wearing close to what I am wearing are people who I would like to say have a "weight problem," and 30 kids running around. No fucking thanks. The prospect that that could be me is enough to get my wheels turning about getting my shit together. I am also cheap as fuck so I guess I'll be hitting up H&M all the time.

    • Work Out More: Not that I consider myself a big human by any means, however I do feel like I am not my tightest self. After I had the baby I immediately lost 30 pounds and I felt great apparently I looked like Lexi Anorexi, and still I thought it was great. But as time went on my appetite started to come back and so did about 15 pounds. I would definitely like to tighten. Also I have come to the reluctant conclusion that I am "curvy". I am built more like Kim Kardashian then Pam Anderson. Lets be real I am 5'2", and 115 lbs, I will never be long and lean but I feel like I cannot get out of looking like Snooki. I think I do that to myself because it's the easiest style for me to fit into. But if I am going to be meatball shaped, I am going to be a firm meatball. I am not a runner naturally I really have to push myself to do it so that's out. So I'm committing to yoga (hopefully HOT yoga if I can find a place in Ct that does it) and hiking. Connecticut has the most beautiful outdoors of anywhere. If that doesn't work I think my best chance is to get these items to help me:

    • Extreme Coupon: Allison and I are couponers by nature, but we are about to take it to a whole different level! I am going to pack my families home full of free-ish dry goods. Thousands of tooth pastes all over the fucking place! I am saving my coupons now! How crazy is it that you can get all that shit for like 9 dollars? I wish you could buy like everything in bulk like that chicken and meats and stuff because yeah I have 30 sticks of deodorant but nothing to eat... Maybe that will help with my weight loss.

    I will be swimming in bulk foods


    • Lasik Eye Surgery and Wisdom Teeth Removal: As many people know I am blind as a fucking bat. I am tired of changing out my contact lenses all the time, there is no reason for it anymore with all of the breakthroughs in eye care. I need my wisdom teeth out in the worst way too, they are starting to hurt and I am getting a little sick of it!

    • Purchase As Seen on TV Items: I have been obsessed with the following items for years and I will finally consummate our long awaited meeting. I feel a sort of deep seeded connection to these unattainable items. I have wanted them for so long it almost seems as if I need to be pinched because they are just outside my grasp. It amazes me that with in two months I will finally have the sweet satisfaction of putting them to the test.  
      
    
    
    
    
    You can cut drywall with these knives
    And throw a pineapple up in the air and slice at at.
    You're all getting them for Xmas
    
    This will definitely not help with my weight loss
    
    
    This product is my Eleanor.
     But I WILL have a Ronco Rotisserie.
     You will be mine and I will,
    SET IT AND FORGET IT
    
    
    I will shave you backwards and forwards
    Watch out zucchini!
    
    
    
    
    This is what happens when I am let off my leash! DILLIGAF
    Thank you for letting me vent! I promise from now on I will be lighter in my attitude. It may take a week or so but I'll get back
    Twitter: @bobzc
    Facebook: Robyn Sludock
    Email: bobzchamp@gmail.com
    Love you all ---R

    Monday, September 5, 2011

    Your Relationship is Killing ME!

         Lately I have been irritated by other peoples relationships. With some people it is the lovey dovey shit that makes me sick and with others it's like your relationship fucking sucks, just end it so that the rest of us don't have to suffer. I love Chris but I don't need to have my hands on him all the time, I'm pretty sure he would knock me out for just a minute of peace. And we fight like everyone else and sometimes we say very mean things to each other but at the end of the day we can go to bed and not want to kill each other.

         I am sick and tired of seeing people on facebook and all that other shit say "in a relationship", "out of relationship", "It's complicated" every 5 minutes. Maybe if you spent half that time investing some quality time into your shit, you wouldn't be alone. There is no need to cloud up peoples news feeds with your problems.

         People who yell at each other all the time make me sooooo mad. If you hate each other that much break up. There is no need to make someone else as miserable as you are. People who make each other miserable for the fun of it or for attention are sadists. Isn't it 1000000 times more fun to watch a movie and snug up or go for a hike and talk to each other like civilized humans? Also, when you co-habitate with other people you would think that you would keep your fighting to a minimal right? Nope, some people scream at each other and stomp around having a fit like a 2 year old. Slamming this slamming that. Like shut the fuck up! Mrs. Oldassbitch in the next condo over is trying to watch Maury and eat her English muffin in peace for Christ sake!

         I got of the airplane the other day and these two people probably in their 40's were about fucking in baggage claim. Great now I have to sit there and watch these people go at it, while the airports take their sweet fucking time getting my shit off the plane. This man could have been taking a stool sample his tongue was so deep in there.

         I know I have "control issues" as I am told but I like to think that I am getting better day by day, however there are somethings the Chris does, that couldn't bother me any less. For instance, playing video games, it is annoying sometimes but I am not going to throw a hissy fit because hes caressing the ps3 remote and not me. I recently saw someone actually cut up his girlfriends chicken for her... I was appalled. Fuck that. There is no excuse for it. Shes a big bitch (literally) she can cut up her food. It wasn't like she said "could you do me a favor and cut this," it was just expected. Same kind of story, if I ask Chris for a drink and he brings it to me and there is not enough ice in it, I'm not gonna flip out like a fucking psychopath and scream "MORE ICE!!!!" WTF is that about really, get up and get your own fucking ice.

         Every person has the potential to be jealous I think. But there are some people who take it to whole new lengths.Some women can't even let their boyfriends go to a bachelor party with out freaking the fuck out and screaming at him that he is fucking the strippers. Ok bitch, he is not fucking the strippers ok, they don't want anything to do with his scrawny ass. Just because you think that the sun shines out his ass hole doesn't mean that Miss Ima Stripperface does.

         Do not bitch to me about your relationship or your sex life. There are only several people I can listen to about this ans trust me that's enough. I do not want to hear that you can't get your girlfriend to enjoy sex more then 3 times a day. No shit you can't. Give the girl a rest! I also don't like to hear about people complaining about not having sex enough. If you feel like you are not having enough sex with your partner, either tell them or get a dildo. There is literally no point in telling me this. My voice isn't going to miraculously pop into your boyfriends head as he's snacking on some pork rinds and say, "get in the mood, go fuck your girlfriend." If  that does happen, I would suggest therapy.

         I was out to dinner with this couple once and the guy wanted to go outside and have a smoke after dinner and his wife looks at him about 1 inch from his face says, "nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" in the most whiny voice I have ever heard. Can you not be without this man for 6 mothafuckin' minutes. Good God girl chill out. He will be back, hopefully for my sake so I am not stuck with your ass all night.

    There is nothing less sexy to your man then to bash him in front of other people. And I would rather not be in the middle of your awkward moment. It is one thing to joke back and forth but don't emasculate him. It is not going to make him want to be around you.

         These are just some of the examples I have. Look forward to seeing you guys tomorrow!!!

    Love always ----R

    Friday, August 26, 2011

    5 Stupid Things Men Love

    This is probably going to be one of my most favorite posts. 10 Stupid things that men love! I think men are more obvious and forward with the things that they like. Whereas women tend to hide what they like because sometimes it may not be socially acceptable. I personally identify more with men because I don't care if people I know, know I love syfy movies, I love to share! Most of the time over share. Here are the 10 most stupid things that men love

    Chicken Wings: I don't really understand why men must gather together and eat wings. They are probably the most unattractive food period and there is almost no meat on them. I know first hand when I get a serious man-hunger the last thing I am looking to put in my mouth is a little chicken wing. Why can't I just eat a fucking chicken sandwich with wing sauce on it instead of eating 30 little baby chicken arms. Also when people advertise for .50 cent wings, that is not at all appealing to me. I would hope that there is some quality in that little wing, but if I am paying .50 cents god knows what the restaurant payed for it. Ripping something off the bone with my teeth makes me want to vomit. I do not want little fucking veins and tendons swimming around in my mouth.

    Playing with Testicles: I think that this is appalling. I don't walk around all day grabbing at my tits. I understand that they are in between your legs and sometimes they stick, fix that, it's fine. Do not massage them in public. I do not think that any woman is going to say "AHHH FUCK look at that guy grabbin' his shit, maybe he'll let me do it." I have a family member, no names mentioned, and he is touching himself 80% of the time. Seriously like Christmas dinner he can't stop scratching at his roasted chestnuts and on thanksgiving he will not quit stuffing his hands around his giblets. Like fuck I am trying to have a good time with my family and I don't need you playing with your gum drops, as I'm trying to eat mashed potatoes.

    Fake Ass Titties: I appreciate a good set of tits like the next person. But people like Coco just have to have some serious heath problems. There is nothing sexy about scoliosis. And there is just too much to handle, I mean that's not the part that you fuck...in most cases. So why the fuck do they have to be sooooo big. What men also don't realize is that no matter how big the set is, they do not look good unless they are tanned. No one wants to see a set of flesh colored balloons stapled on your chest.

    Weapons: I don't really have much to say about this, I am not a fan of weapons. Lets start with guns, people say guns don't kill people, people kill people. I believe that there could not be a more false statement. If people actually had to physically slit a throat, smother or strangle a person to death, I think that there would be much less death. I think it is just easier to hide behind a gun. With that being said I understand the sportsman ship of target shooting and obviously military training. What I don't understand are knives, really what do you men need to cut? They're not going to protect you from a bear, that bear is gonna tear your asshole out and feed it to you, if you come at it like that. I find it odd too that men talk about their weapons like they talk about their penis. For instance, "I tore that target UP last night." Talking about a woman's face or Bin Ladin's face? You tell me. Or "Ahhh I've had that for years, always a good shot." There are plenty more I'm sure, so for now guys, put down the god dammed weapon and get some wings.

    Anal Sex: To me this is obscene. Why do men think that an ass hole is a pleasure hole? News flash my shit comes out of there! There is nothing beautiful about looking at an asshole let alone putting something in it. Whether it is butt plugs or a penis. Men say that its better for them because the a hole is so much tighter, well it is not gonna be better for you when your ass has to walk around behind me with a shovel.

    Sorry guys this was going to be a list of 10 stupid things but I think I hit the nail on the head with these 5!
    Subscribe to this blog and follow me on twitter (@bobzc) and facebook: Robyn Sludock 
    Also I'm always looking for new ideas so leave me a comment here or on the above noted social prostitution sites!
    <3 Always---R

    Thursday, August 25, 2011

    10 Stupid Things

    Weddings: When a woman says that she has dreamed of this day for her whole life, I like to call bullshit. I know that the dress, the idea and all that maybe dreamed up. But, I doubt that Mr. Dreamy looks like or acts like your future ball and chain. I love my husband I really do, but I never ever wanted to be married EVER! I just happened to find someone who was exactly like me with a penis! And apparently steel sperm. I never dreamed of a fantasy wedding, or flowers and cake. I think that the idea of marriage and a wedding is what most people want, not what I see (a gaudy pony show). I do feel however that many of my friends have had beautiful weddings, but they did not turn into crazy bridezillas. Also, when someone says, "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you", that scares me. To the core. To someone like me that sounds like I'm not going to be able to fucking brush my teeth with out you. It's so very final, like the last breath you know is 5 minutes away and counting....
    Use the force! To prevent divorce!


    Designer Purses: I love a Lucky Brand bag like everyone else, but why do women love them so much. I think that a plastic walmart bag will carry my Xanex, makeup and tampons just fine. There is no reason why brands like Coach, Prada and Louis Vittoun (spelling?) are such enterprises. Spending hundreds of dollars on a purse that screams a self proclaimed social status is fucking stupid. You're friends know you're broke, and you can't pay your car insurance because you felt the need to buy a 6 inch lime green purse for 400$. Please

    Was this used in Mandy Moore's Candy video?
    Sex Toy Parties: These parties make me completely uncomfortable. I think that the tools one uses to get off should be private. Some people are more adventurous then others and to be honest I have some friends that I would rather not imagine using some of those god awful things, let alone some of their spouses. I also feel that some of these toys are dangerous. Can you imagine falling out of a sex swing backwards?! You could snap you fucking neck or break your back.

    This is obscene... If I wanted to fuck a "pig" I would be looking for Gary from Teen mom 

    Flowers: This is a personal choice of mine, I do not like to receive flowers as a gift. I feel that it means you don't know me enough to know that I would rather have almost anything else, like a target gift card, a box of wine or a puppy I don't need. But flowers I can find anywhere, like on the side of the road, a field or my neighbors garden. Also, buying flowers for someone because you're thinking of them I can understand, but to buy someone flowers to say sorry, no no no. Why do flowers make everything better, how about, put that fucking money back in my checking account, stop fucking my sister or I'll cut your dick off or call me a cunt in front of your friends one more time I'll make sure you don't see another cunt for 10-15 because I stole your dope outta your drawer. I mean thinks like that make me feel better not, here are some sunshiney flowers that smell nice so you forget about my face smelling like my trainers taint.

    Sorry baby, didn't mean to butt fuck yo mamma
    Expensive Makeup: There is no reason to buy expensive beauty products. I don't know why people do not realize this. What people also don't realize that no matter how much MAC you pile on your face you will not look like Carmen Electra. Well except this classic beauty....

    "I look like Lady Gaga!!!"

    Tag Sales: Nothing says a bad idea like bringing someone elses crap to your house. This is how people get bed bugs and all kinds of other crap. Buying other peoples plates and glasses really fucking grosses me out too. Also the negotiating process, really why are you asking to get a better deal on something that was used?

    This says "I have a shit ton of crap that would look better in you're living room."

    Reality TV: I'm not going to say anything about this because I had a whole post about this topic. But I will say I know that people watch this shit to feel better about themselves hands down.

    I really hope these two still have a chance at welfare and food stamps

    Robert Pattinson: I know many people love him, but he is pale, pasty and greasy. Why is it that women swoon over this? I don't think that there is anything sexy about a man piercing my skin with his teeth. On top of the fact that his eyebrows are horrible!!!


    Taking Drunk Pictures: We are all guilty of this, especially me. I always think that I look better drunk than I do sober. I will say it is not a good idea, but I'm sure I'll have a new facebook album next week in which you;ll see me bent over, cross eyed and with purple teeth.

    This is basically me after 9pm Monday - Monday
    Mixed Drinks: Over priced mixed drinks are just stupid. Why can't people just drink beer? I rather just drink beer, or straight vodka, cheap too. I don't care as long as it gets me there cheap and fast. Also the fact that they have to put a fucking salad into the top of it, like why would you do that, I'm trying to get shithoused fast and you putting food into my system is going to hinder that. I don't care what kind of fruit tree is coming out of my alcohol unless it's going to refill this glass faster than the bartender can.
    Tomorrow 10 things men love that are stupid!
    Love--- R