Sunday, November 27, 2011

What I am Thankful for...

    Obviously I am thankful for all the normal shit like family, friends and free blog pages! Really though, I like holidays but I'm always cynical about how people only get together on holidays. Here are the things that I am thankful for this joyful holiday season.

  • Wine - 90% of the time I find that it is my best option
  • Rx Drugs - 100% of the time they keep me from killing someone
  • Daisy -She is the hairy love of my life, well when Chris isn't around
  • Penises - In a sexual way only, other that that you are looking at prison time (thanks B)
  • Lady Gaga - I wish I had the balls that she had to do what she does and act however she feels
  • Deodorant - Do I really have to say?
  • The Notebook - Just when I think my tear ducts are filled with sand, this movie reminds me I'm still human
  • Sons of Anarchy - Makes me hopeful that there are actually outlaws out there and maybe, just maybe one day I can be one.
  • Pasta - Feeling sorry for myself food always has a place on this list
  • Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee - For being the best role models for me out there!
  • Laxatives - Helps a sista out from time to time
  • Liquid Eyeliner - Makes me look like I actually try
  • Push up Bras -I can only wish that one day I won't need one...
  • Mashed Potatoes and Stuffing - See explanation for pasta
  • Mascara - Makes me look not anemic
  • Television - What else would I have to talk about if it wasn't for TV?
  • Laguna Beach - Where would LC be now? Who else's clothes would I buy at Kohl's
  • Long Island - The very convenient escape that all of us make fun of. I will always love LI 4 LIFFFEEE

     I of course am always thankful for my friends and family and here is why:

  • My Mother: I will repeat this as I did in my first ever post: She is a powerhouse of a human. This woman can drink and smoke me under the table of she wanted to. I love that about her. I hate however how she cannot watch one movie without talking through it. 
  • David: My stepfather is literally the sweetest man alive. He would do anything for anybody. Also, when he has a good party face on he will tell you over and over again how much he loves you. Ex "Allison, you're not my daughter, you're not even Michelle's daughter, but I love you like you were my daughter." Ahhhh love
  • Allison: My best friend and my sister (not biologically) we love our wine time and to shop. I have known Allison forever. We laugh and cry together and I'm sure 30 years from now she will still be on this list. And Amanda of course.
  • My Grandparents: I love them to death, however challenging they can be. I'm not going to say too much more on that, other than I love them dearly and that when they get old and forgetful, they're going into a home. Anyone who knows my grandfather will understand why. Talk about the 2 nicest humans on the face of the earth. I have never met one person in my whole life who did not like them, and going through life like that is not easy to do. 
  • Cherrie: My beautiful cousin, the sweetest human alive with a wild side. She is so smart and sassy, I just love her. We have daily BBM sessions in which we have a dick measuring contest with what we want to do with our lives. Nothing comes of it but we a get a laugh and it makes the day go by so quick.
  • Sam: My other beautiful cousin, I love her so much and for being my PIC for so many years!
  • Don Baker and Sara: Friends that I know I will always have and that are always around to have a laugh with. You can go 6 months to years with out seeing them and they are the same great people that they have always been and they'll be waiting for you beer in hand. 
  • Brian R: My best Georgetown friend who I love so so much. He has always been a great friend to me and makes me laugh no matter what. 
  • Joe: My first ever Marine bud. Daddy Frank introduced us and from there it was like 2 peas in a pod. I love you to death b/c you don't give a shit about anything or anyone for that matter and all questions can be answered with a shoulder shrug. And obviously Michelle for putting up with him. 
  • Husband: Obviously he is at the top of my list but I figured that this was a good way to close. I love Chris so much, he makes me smile and laugh unlike anyone else. He is a foul person with crude intentions and I love it. He is the person who is most like me that I could have ever found. I can tell him anything and he has never told me I was out of line, which is hard in itself. My heart just breaks when he's away. So with that, I love you Hun!

I love all of you - R- 

    Sunday, November 13, 2011

    Lifes Questions

         Sometimes I find myself asking myself questions that only I could come up with. However wrong they may be I can't help but laugh at myself. I am also thinking about making this some kind of regular post, weekly or monthly something like that. Here are some of the most recent ones:

    • When is it appropiate to bring my own alcohol?
    • Why do old people like to smell like pine?
    • Is there a reason for "expectant mother parking"? and why is it ahead of the handicap people?
    • Is Nicolas Sparks a homosexual?
    • Does Jennifer Lopez need to tan?
    • Why does my dogs gas smell like eggs when she has not had an eggs?
    • Why do dogs chase cats?
    • Why does my dog not care about cats?
    • Who drives a Kia Sol?
    • What kind of alcohol says I'm trying to grow up but still be drunk?
    • Is wine a good alternative to cocaine?
    • Why are tampons circular and only obsorb on its polar sides and then ruin my 20$ panties?
    • Is there a road map to life and where can I buy one?
    • Can I purchace someone a wife for Christmas?
    • Why do people I went to high school with want to be friends with me still?
    • Why do the Stone Temple Pilots make me want to kill myself but I cannot turn them off?
    • Did Kurt Kobain (Spelling?) really kill himself?
    • Why am I expected to be fake nice to people?
    • Is there a way to teleport to Brookfield so I don't have to drive in lunchtime traffic?
    • Why does the Danbury mall think that it's in Manhattan?
    • Is my attachment to my dog normal?
    • What is everyone elses problem?
    • What is my daughters problem?
    • Should I put my box of wine in a bag to enter someones home?
    • What does Daisy dream about?
    • What does Shannon Sossamon do now?
    • Will I ever touch Donnie Walburgh?
    • Can I have an engagement ring please?
    • Who can I tell that I wish bad things on other people?
    • Is there something else I'm supposed to be doing?
    • Will I ever own a midget?
    • Is the previous racist, sexist or.....?
    • Why is walmart still open?
    • How do I become famous without fucking a black man with a crooked penis or Rick Solomon?
    • Is there a social networking site that I can use where I can actually say what I want to?
    • Should I have another glass of wine?
    • Why is my gas worse close to my period?
    • Why does my period last for 3 weeks on occasion?
    • When they tie your tubes are they really tied?
    • When do I start Christmas shopping?
    • If mama Cass was so fat shouldn't her wind pipe have been big enough to fit a chunk of sandwich?
    • Is guilt a normal human emotion?
    • Is there something I should be doing?
    • Can I buy an Asian to do my nail and wax my eye brows?
    • Why do people buy other people musical Hallmark cards?
    • Do I have to put makeup on to go out?
    • Do I have to be friends with hillbillys?
    • What if those hillbillys date a friend of mine?
    • Why do people look at the past like a bad thing, not like I dodged a bullet?
    • Why do I care about offending people?
    • Can I pretend to like you while you tell me your life story so I can repeat it to Allison and laught at you later?
    • Are claw hair things still out of style
    • What am I supposed to do with a Ford Fusion...really?
    • Should I have more pictures of my daughter and less of my dog?
    • What is a Wiz Kalifa?
    • Does anyone see this as fucked up as I do?

    I love all of you and I wil leave you with this beautiful picture of my favorite baby <3 R

    Saturday, November 12, 2011

    Can I Jam This Ice Pick Into My Ear?

         As I was writing yesterdays blog and I started to bitch about LMFAO and their hideous choice in a career, I started to think what other songs really have dumb ass lyrics. Then this morning I was going for a walk with my kid in Bethel to clear my head and I heard a song that will be listed below and I thought what possesses someone to write them down let alone song it out loud. And who was the asshole that produced this? He should be shot. I'm going to try my best to find videos for these atrocities so that if you don't know the songs by name you can hear these little audio sodomies yourself. I would also like to add that I am listening to Queen and David Bowie and LOVING IT.

    My name is Keri, I'm so very, Fly oh my, it's a little bit scary, Boys wanna marry, looking at my derrière And you can stare but if you touch it Imma bury Pretty as a picture  
    Sweeter than a swisher Mad 'cause I'm cuter than the girl that's with you
    I don't gotta talk about it baby you can see it But if you want I'll be happy to repeat it
    All eyes on me when I walk in, No question that this girl's a 10 Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful
    Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful My walk, my talk, the way I drip
    It's not my fault, so please don't trip Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful
    Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful
        No one wants to marry someone because they have a nice ass, lets start off with this. I like to think that I have a nice caboose, but no one has ever said to me "Hey Ma, you gotta nice ass wanna wife up." and OBVI that would be an immediate disqual. And saying shes as pretty as a picture, sure shes a cute girl as you can see in the video, but lets be honest, anyone who thinks that highly of themselves to me looks like Rosie. And she may be cuter than you girlfriend, but I'm sure your girlfriend isn't a giant bitch with a queen complex. No one has the right to call themselves a 10, you are always biased to yourself. How about step away from your mirror face, everyone looks better when they're staring at their make up an inch away. 

    I am the man who will fight for your honor I'll be the hero that you're dreamin' of We'll live forever, knowin' together That we did it all for this ghetto ghetto love I'm lookin' at this sexy girl from a distance
    She's so damn style I'm a witness Let me tell ya woah  Move that thing ya woah Let me tell ya
    And then I take her to the parking lot Jump into my car and straight to my spot say woah
    Then she started a fight as we stepped out the club Only cause a fan trying give me a little hug
         Ok I heard this today and I suggest you watch the video. because it's a shitty one. First off, the chorus is a rip off of Peter Catera's "Glory of Love." And yes I know that no google use here. He probably just needed a pay check and that's why these people ripped his song. Second what is a ghetto love? Maybe I'll never know, but I would love someone to try to explain it to me. Is it like JLo and P.Diddy or Jay-Z and Beyonce? Or is it like Eminem and Kim? I am severely confused. What is moving like woah? Because when I see something that makes me say woah, it's not a good thing. Also you have no fans, and even if you did I am pretty sure they're like 12 I would have nothing to worry about, thanks for your concern. Lastly, I am not going to get into your car, you may have drugs in there and to be honest I don't want to go to jail over your dumb ass.

    Oh, wanna dance with somebody I wanna feel the heat with somebody
    Yeah wanna dance with somebody With somebody who loves me
         So you don't want to dance with Bobby Brown or cocaine... got it.

    Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got I'm still, I'm still Jenny from the block Used to have a little, now I have a lot No matter where I go, I know where I came from (South-Side Bronx!)
    From In Living Color to movie scripts To On the 6 to J. Lo to this headline clips
    I stayed grounded as the amounts roll in I'm real, I thought I told you
    I'm real, even on Oprah That's just me Nothin phony, don't hate on me What you get is what you see
    Normally I have no problem with Hennifer, I really don't except on this song. We know you have a lot Jen you don't need to write a song about how real you are. And we all do know that you came from the Bronx, you say it in like every song you sing. I would not brag about your movie scripts they are not that great. I'm not talking about Gili I never saw it, I was thinking more Maid in Manhattan. Oprah doesn't care how real you are either, all that she knows is that you and her are real-ly rich.

    What would you do? What would you do if I followed you? What would you do if I follow?
         I love Stone Temple Pilots with all of my heart. There is not one day that goes by that I don't listen to them. It is a must just to get out of bed in the morning for me. I love this song soooo sooo much, but this set of lyrics alone is disturbing. If Scott was following me I would love it let me tell you. What a beautiful human being. On the other hand if it was a nasty human I would call the cops.

    Now I would like to list all of the bands and artists I listen to on the regular because they are spectacular, I'm sure most of you won't appreciate it:

    1. Tom Petty - and all satellite bands of his
    2. Queen
    3. David Bowie
    4. Audioslave
    5. Stone Temple Pilots
    6. The Wallflowers
    7. Black Crows
    8. P!nk
    9. The Wreckers
    10. Pearl Jam
    11. The Alman Brothers
    12. Ace of Base
    I know some of them are not fantastic to everyone, but there is something about these 90's bands that I just can't kick.

    We'll see if you guys get one tomorrow
    <3 you ---R

    Friday, November 11, 2011

    Eye Twitch

         Recently I have been overwhelmed with things that piss me off. I know that everyone is an individual and has their own right to act a certain way. FALSE. I personally feel that if you can not act like a civilized human, stay in your God damned home. You don't need to get behind the wheel and hold everyone else up. Stop acting like an ass hole, go home and take a pill. Being a dick to someone at the store isn't going to get you're point across. Maybe smile and be nice and possibly charming and you'll get what you want or at least closer to it.
         I went to the post office the other day and there was a man there talking to the post lady. So he starts asking her all these questions about the dumbest shit ever. "Hey hunny do you sell reams of paper here?" Um no sir its a post office not fucking staples. Then he says "What about cheerios?" Really dick, if you don't have something of value to say, don't say shit. The post lady nor me don't give a shit about you and we want you to hurry the fuck up so I can send a package to Marines in Afghanistan who really matter... move away from me.
         This snow storm was also a means to an end to my charming attitude. I assumed my local liquor store was closed because of the power outages. So, on my way back from the mall I went all the way through Bethel and on my way back was rerouted down a back road because the Town of Redding (aka Knapp Tree (no qualms with them)) was "working on the lines." Fine I have no problem with that except that it was down Umpawaug Road, which even on the best day is a beaten path. So as I'm balls deep down there, on the narrowest part of the road, I'm looking for one of Redding's finest to I don't know, direct traffic. Cricket Cricket. There is no cop anywhere in sight. And there are about 600 fucking cars on this road. Fantastic. So needless to say it took 45 minutes to go down Umpawaug Road an inch away from other peoples cars and Georgetown Package was open. Can we say instant eye twitch.
         I'm starting to get pissed off at other peoples relationships. I don't give a shit, how much you love each other. Stop telling me. Share it with someone else. I don't want to see you post music videos of lovey dovey songs on facebook, neither does your boyfriend or husband. I'll admit I will email one to Chris or send a private message to him with the song or whatever in it. But here's the secret to why I don't fall into the category. Because it's a God dam private message. Because these are our private feelings. I don't need or want my friends or Chris's friends being like "Jesus can she get off his dick for like 2 seconds?!"
         I also don't understand why that just because I'm married to someone I have to adopt all of their friends as my best friends? In my case it works because I love 95% of Chris's friends. But there are people I know who are up their spouses friends assholes. Like, chick leave these guys alone. They don't even like to talk to their mothers why do you think they want to shoot the shit with you? I also feel too like you can over do it with them, for instance, I am a proud American. I always if I see an old man with a service hat on say thank you for what they have done. It's a respect thing. What I don't do is go ape shit on days like Veterans Day, Memorial Day and such. For one, it makes you look like an attention hound. For two, no one gives a shit what you have to say. Okay? I find it very convenient how much you love the Marine boys and feel the need to share. I love them too, my mother loves them, my step-father loves them, join the fucking club. My Aunt Charlotte invited Mike B to visit them in FL at their retirement community, his response "I would love to go and sleep on ya fuckin' hammock." And she still loves them! So don't think you need to be the "only one" who is supportive, you look desperate. Also don't call them your Marines... I HATE that, "My Marines." Please the one your sleeping with is hardly yours. One trip to the Driftwood and he'll have Miss. Candypuss moved in, pregnant and and you'll be heading back to Ishotthatchipmunkfordinner, VA where you belong.
         LMFAO, you are not sexy and everyone knows it. You look like a bunch of homeless people dancing around for money. Your songs sound the same and they are horrible. Why would MTV have the Real World Miami 2 work for you? Really and champagne disgusting. If your fluids slightly resembled the taste of champagne, sure then that would be an appropriate saying. But it doesn't And I'm pretty sure a "champagne shower" in a club is a felony. Just a heads up. I would actually like to go ahead and say that I have XM radio in my car and I wish that when LMFAO came on my radio would reverse song seek and turn on another channel. I hate them. 

    I love you all and thank you for letting me vent -R

    Thursday, November 10, 2011

    Bad Tattoos

         Ok people, I've gotten that itch for a tattoo again, so I figure this will help me wait at least a week to make that decision.
         Have any of you ever seen a tattoo sooooo bad you want to actually cut that persons flesh off? I have and its hard not to. For the most part I love all of mine! I think I have somewhere around 20. And I would say that 18 of them are definitely staying. Most of the time if you do your research and take your time getting one you will not be disappointed. I do personally believe getting someones name tattooed on you is a bad idea, I know that first hand. Thank god I covered it up with an appropriate animal and it reminds me never to do that again! There was a girl I know once from Ridgefield, she was a couple years younger than me and she had her boyfriend initials tattooed right on the face of her vagina. CN. Outlined in black and colored in with turquoise. I immediately felt like she was an idiot and that it was a bad bad idea. I mean really. There is no coming back from that .Needless to say they broke up and he went to jail for 10 years for breaking a bottle over some chicks head or something. Oh love, how stupid. Here are some tattoos that I feel should never have been inked. Or at least someone should have shot the inkee before going in the door.

    I always think that this is a bad idea. I think that most people don't have an eye for tattooing faces, here are the reasons why:
      I'm pretty sure your dead wife loves this charming memorial
    Why adoption is legal, if that was my kid, I wouldn't have picked it up from the maternity ward
     I didn't know LeAnne Rhymes was a negro, she wears white people make up!
    Maybe that's why her little brother divorced her!
    Your baby looks cute with a odd head in color.
    Your baby looks like and old version of Nelson Mandella on your back.
    That boy is going to leave you for a stripper. You may have loved PFC in boot camp but he's coming back with a deployment check that you will not see... and all the other BRO's on base look like that hunny, find another one.

    Oddly Placed Tattoos: People put shit in the strangest places...
    Hey look, there's a pretty girl with a tattoo, OMG that shark is eating a baby...Move along
    Animee is going to die one day... probably before you will.
    I have nothing to say about this, other than good luck getting a job
    See full size image
    Btw, that's a vagina
    Chastity Bono's Old one?
    This is foul
    I would have hated to be this artist...
        Obsessive tattoos: Logos and such

    Oh Mozilla, How I love thee.

    I think he loves Brenda... But does Brenda love skin head is the question?
    There is a website about people like this

    Shes a Barbie Girl! Obvi she and I were the only 2 people who bought the Aqua album

    Should have thought differently about getting that tattoo

    This is just stupid
    Finger Tattoos:

    So is your career search

    I'm so gangsta. I'm so thug
    Asian gangs 4 liiiiifeeee
    mmmmm Saucy!

    Tattoos of Disgusting Things or in Gross Places: I have no words for these, they are just foul.


    Thanks for reading --- R