Saturday, September 17, 2011

Ain't No Nugget Small Enough

     This is my way of forgetting what is going on in my life now. Chris is in Kuwait for a year and even though I'm moving home to be with my friends and my family, I can't help but feel like I still want my best friend with me when I go to bed at night. He does love it over there witch is a good thing so I can't really complain!   
     Over the next week or so I will be blogging about things that amuse me, I can't do it all at once since I have been packing like a mother fucker and I will be unpacking when I get home.

     Midgets: I love these stubby little fuckers. They are like real people torsoes with T-rex arms and Rosanne Barr legs. My favorite combo. These little nuggets are like a gift from the Easter Jesus! They are so feisty yet delicate. I was watching a show earlier called "Hulk Hogan's Mini Wrestling,"or something, all I know is that Christmas came early. Those little people know how to tangle. I wish I knew how to throw down like that. (Tru TV Fridays at 10). I wish I had one as a pet, I really do because they eat what I eat, they shit in a toilet and they can dress themselves, unlike my 1.8 yr old daughter. They are like the perfect companion. I mean I can always look down on them and I will always be the one driving, which is a big deal for me! I rather have a nugget that has some kind of talent that I can exploit at like a party or TV audition though. Like OK " Stand there and snort that spaghetti up your nose and fart it out." That would definitely take like 30 minutes more for a full grown human learn how to do. More bang for your buck in those little fuckers. I would guess that their life span is shorter than an average human, but they are just so much more fun. I have this overwhelming urge to go to the park with one, and push them on a swing, play Frisbee and gallop gleefully through a field hand in hand. The TLC channel has dominated this species. They have little people big world and the little couple. These shows would not be on TV if a regular family had 1 midget son, and the couple were regular adults trying for a baby. There is some sick kind of need for us bigs to see how these people live. There is a magnetic draw to these limber limbed humans. My husband Chris and my father-in-law Randy just crack the fuck up when I talk about a "nugget" that I have seen. I personally think that they are in awe of my commitment to these little snuggle muffins. Chris and I were recently in Cleveland and he took this picture while he was smoking outside the bar we were in, and quickly sent it to me....
This was the best present I could have gotten. And this is why I love him so much. I wasn't outside to see this and it was so romantic how he thought of me! I would like to know where they get their clothes, shoes and cars, I mean someone needs to let me in on this secret. Not because I want to go get some for myself being only 5'1", but I want to go to the lair and befriend one. Who's to say that my soul-midget isn't waiting for me somewhere. Who are they? What would they be like? Where will I find them? Will they let me do their hair? Can I put a saddle on Daisy and have them ride her? There are sooooo many questions I have. I hope one day me and my tater will unite.... Until then I'll keep dreaming...

Thanks again for reading I know I am a fucked up human but it works for me....
Follow me in twitter @bobzc and on facebook Robyn Sludock
Love always see you in a couple days! -----R

Thursday, September 8, 2011


     I know you people who know me personally, know that Chris is going to be deployed again to Kuwait for a year. NOOOO not with the military but with a private contracting company doing some kind of super fucking classified shit ( I know, it's a big deal). Anyway I have lost a little creativity lately thinking about this constantly. I have wanted to cry my fucking eyes out on a daily basis thinking about my best friend being gone. He knows he is doing the right thing for himself and for our family but either way it is going to be hard. There are some people who bust his balls on a regular basis about him "leaving his family," and "abandoning Robyn and Cami," to those people I say back off and that's all the time I have for you. I also have not written like I normally would because I have been trying to hold my tongue and not say anything stupid to fuel the fire. Well fuck it. With my lack-of-creativity-week behind me I started to write a blog about why we do the things that we do but my heart wasn't really in it. So I started to think of ways that I could incorporate what is going on in my life with this blog and hopefully to lift my spirits. I have started thinking of things that I will do when Chris is gone, almost like a bucket list to keep me busy and not think about him being gone all the time. And strangely enough I found myself excited for the things that I can do while he's gone. So thank you for letting my vent a little and here is what I think I want to do while Chris is away:

  • Dress Like a Human: In the last 2 years I have really been confined to me yoga pants, soffee shorts and marine corps t's. I feel like a fucking bum. When I go to the grocery store I see people wearing nice clothes, heels and make up. To me this is pointless who are you going to see at the grocery store that will care but I guess I should care at least a little more. Also the only people who are in the store that are wearing close to what I am wearing are people who I would like to say have a "weight problem," and 30 kids running around. No fucking thanks. The prospect that that could be me is enough to get my wheels turning about getting my shit together. I am also cheap as fuck so I guess I'll be hitting up H&M all the time.

  • Work Out More: Not that I consider myself a big human by any means, however I do feel like I am not my tightest self. After I had the baby I immediately lost 30 pounds and I felt great apparently I looked like Lexi Anorexi, and still I thought it was great. But as time went on my appetite started to come back and so did about 15 pounds. I would definitely like to tighten. Also I have come to the reluctant conclusion that I am "curvy". I am built more like Kim Kardashian then Pam Anderson. Lets be real I am 5'2", and 115 lbs, I will never be long and lean but I feel like I cannot get out of looking like Snooki. I think I do that to myself because it's the easiest style for me to fit into. But if I am going to be meatball shaped, I am going to be a firm meatball. I am not a runner naturally I really have to push myself to do it so that's out. So I'm committing to yoga (hopefully HOT yoga if I can find a place in Ct that does it) and hiking. Connecticut has the most beautiful outdoors of anywhere. If that doesn't work I think my best chance is to get these items to help me:

  • Extreme Coupon: Allison and I are couponers by nature, but we are about to take it to a whole different level! I am going to pack my families home full of free-ish dry goods. Thousands of tooth pastes all over the fucking place! I am saving my coupons now! How crazy is it that you can get all that shit for like 9 dollars? I wish you could buy like everything in bulk like that chicken and meats and stuff because yeah I have 30 sticks of deodorant but nothing to eat... Maybe that will help with my weight loss.

I will be swimming in bulk foods

  • Lasik Eye Surgery and Wisdom Teeth Removal: As many people know I am blind as a fucking bat. I am tired of changing out my contact lenses all the time, there is no reason for it anymore with all of the breakthroughs in eye care. I need my wisdom teeth out in the worst way too, they are starting to hurt and I am getting a little sick of it!

  • Purchase As Seen on TV Items: I have been obsessed with the following items for years and I will finally consummate our long awaited meeting. I feel a sort of deep seeded connection to these unattainable items. I have wanted them for so long it almost seems as if I need to be pinched because they are just outside my grasp. It amazes me that with in two months I will finally have the sweet satisfaction of putting them to the test.  

You can cut drywall with these knives
And throw a pineapple up in the air and slice at at.
You're all getting them for Xmas

This will definitely not help with my weight loss

This product is my Eleanor.
 But I WILL have a Ronco Rotisserie.
 You will be mine and I will,

I will shave you backwards and forwards
Watch out zucchini!

This is what happens when I am let off my leash! DILLIGAF
Thank you for letting me vent! I promise from now on I will be lighter in my attitude. It may take a week or so but I'll get back
Twitter: @bobzc
Facebook: Robyn Sludock
Love you all ---R

Monday, September 5, 2011

Your Relationship is Killing ME!

     Lately I have been irritated by other peoples relationships. With some people it is the lovey dovey shit that makes me sick and with others it's like your relationship fucking sucks, just end it so that the rest of us don't have to suffer. I love Chris but I don't need to have my hands on him all the time, I'm pretty sure he would knock me out for just a minute of peace. And we fight like everyone else and sometimes we say very mean things to each other but at the end of the day we can go to bed and not want to kill each other.

     I am sick and tired of seeing people on facebook and all that other shit say "in a relationship", "out of relationship", "It's complicated" every 5 minutes. Maybe if you spent half that time investing some quality time into your shit, you wouldn't be alone. There is no need to cloud up peoples news feeds with your problems.

     People who yell at each other all the time make me sooooo mad. If you hate each other that much break up. There is no need to make someone else as miserable as you are. People who make each other miserable for the fun of it or for attention are sadists. Isn't it 1000000 times more fun to watch a movie and snug up or go for a hike and talk to each other like civilized humans? Also, when you co-habitate with other people you would think that you would keep your fighting to a minimal right? Nope, some people scream at each other and stomp around having a fit like a 2 year old. Slamming this slamming that. Like shut the fuck up! Mrs. Oldassbitch in the next condo over is trying to watch Maury and eat her English muffin in peace for Christ sake!

     I got of the airplane the other day and these two people probably in their 40's were about fucking in baggage claim. Great now I have to sit there and watch these people go at it, while the airports take their sweet fucking time getting my shit off the plane. This man could have been taking a stool sample his tongue was so deep in there.

     I know I have "control issues" as I am told but I like to think that I am getting better day by day, however there are somethings the Chris does, that couldn't bother me any less. For instance, playing video games, it is annoying sometimes but I am not going to throw a hissy fit because hes caressing the ps3 remote and not me. I recently saw someone actually cut up his girlfriends chicken for her... I was appalled. Fuck that. There is no excuse for it. Shes a big bitch (literally) she can cut up her food. It wasn't like she said "could you do me a favor and cut this," it was just expected. Same kind of story, if I ask Chris for a drink and he brings it to me and there is not enough ice in it, I'm not gonna flip out like a fucking psychopath and scream "MORE ICE!!!!" WTF is that about really, get up and get your own fucking ice.

     Every person has the potential to be jealous I think. But there are some people who take it to whole new lengths.Some women can't even let their boyfriends go to a bachelor party with out freaking the fuck out and screaming at him that he is fucking the strippers. Ok bitch, he is not fucking the strippers ok, they don't want anything to do with his scrawny ass. Just because you think that the sun shines out his ass hole doesn't mean that Miss Ima Stripperface does.

     Do not bitch to me about your relationship or your sex life. There are only several people I can listen to about this ans trust me that's enough. I do not want to hear that you can't get your girlfriend to enjoy sex more then 3 times a day. No shit you can't. Give the girl a rest! I also don't like to hear about people complaining about not having sex enough. If you feel like you are not having enough sex with your partner, either tell them or get a dildo. There is literally no point in telling me this. My voice isn't going to miraculously pop into your boyfriends head as he's snacking on some pork rinds and say, "get in the mood, go fuck your girlfriend." If  that does happen, I would suggest therapy.

     I was out to dinner with this couple once and the guy wanted to go outside and have a smoke after dinner and his wife looks at him about 1 inch from his face says, "nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" in the most whiny voice I have ever heard. Can you not be without this man for 6 mothafuckin' minutes. Good God girl chill out. He will be back, hopefully for my sake so I am not stuck with your ass all night.

There is nothing less sexy to your man then to bash him in front of other people. And I would rather not be in the middle of your awkward moment. It is one thing to joke back and forth but don't emasculate him. It is not going to make him want to be around you.

     These are just some of the examples I have. Look forward to seeing you guys tomorrow!!!

Love always ----R