Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Farted in the Phone and Laughed About it

     I would like to start today's post off by letting you know what I am doing and not doing. I am currently watching "snooki's" true Hollywood story, then I will watch last nights episode of Teen Mom seeing as though I was a little bitch last night and fell asleep at 11. Then I will be cleaning the house because my mom is coming in for the weekend, obviously this is the last on my priority list.
     With that being said I would like to discuss why some men, not all are "insensitive assholes". as my cousin Sam says. Don't worry guys I will delve into why most of us are straight bitches most of the time in another post.
     First off, I would like to discuss why when a girl is pregnant a man has to act like you are fucking out there? Like I am carrying your "seed" as you tell everyone else, which makes me want to vomit, and you think I'm the one with a fucking problem? You still get up everyday piss normally, walk normally, don't feel nauseous at the smell of beloved nachos, shit regularly, sleep soundly, don't cry all the time and on top of all that fun shit you get to do, you don't have people wanting to rub you down like you're fucking Seabiscuit. It is NEVER okay to touch a pregnant woman's stomach unless they ask if you would like to. Also as I was told this morning, when the preggo wakes up with pains at 3am, do NOT say "you need to know how to cope." First of all again I am carrying your baby, and you tell ME to deal with it. Don't you think you should be a little concerned what the fuck is going on with your "seed"? or I don't know the person that you love. No don't worry my hormones will blow this waaaay outta proportion and I'll cry myself to sleep... thanks.
     Next, just because I am sleeping and not answering my phone does not mean I am out fucking all of Fairfield county. Cherrie my cousin who always has the worst luck with some of her boyfriends will always give me plenty of fuel for this forest fire. Her first boyfriend who I like to call Mr. Matza since he was of that descent. Anyway, this was like 8 or so years ago, but, one night she did not answer Mr. Matza's calls, so enraged he wrote her a letter of reasons to kill herself... really. I think of why to kill myself on a daily basis, like I have a zit, I'm bloated or I am so constipated I can't walk, I don't your ass to give me more reasons. I would also like to say Cherrie is the nicest human alive, she would do anything for anyone and I want to stomp this terd for saying these things to her. Here are some of Mr. Matza's reasons why Cherrie should kill herself.... The bold ones are my favorite!
  1. Called Cherri a Cunt over 90 times
    -Told her she was white trash
    -told her it was good her dad left her
    -told her if you were her father you would leave"Hey fuck face did you die yet"?
    -Called Sam a cunt-Told her, her dad was right for leaving
    -Told her she had a smelly pussy
    -Told her you were doing a favor by going out w her
    -Asked to stick it in her butt a few dozen times
    "Only mable loves you
    "You disgust me"
    "what are you doing - nothing waiting for you to go
    kill yourself"
    -Farted in the phone and laughed about it"We should date other people"
    "I hate you"
    'You know who should go kill themselves, you!"
    "You need a vagina"
    Your only worth 50 bucks, if i prostituted you, youd
    be worth 10 cents"
    "I hope you die"
    "My dad deserves to die"
    -made her cry!
    "Go kill yourself"
    "Are you crying - no - then im not trying hard enough.
    "YOU fucking bitch"
    "Go kill yourself" (like 8 more times)
    "Theres a knife downstairs, go do it"
    "Your a chicken shit, you should go cut yourself"
    "Go cut yourself"
    "You have nothing to live for, you chicken shit""Talking to some cunt"
    "I think you deserve to get hurt"-Yelled
    "You deserve to be hit"-called her cooking bad, never good enough
Sounds like someone is still mad at Hitler. Ladies this gem of a semite is on Jdate!!

  She also dated this guy who I love to call The Muffin Man. He was socially awkward and just an odd human. He loved her from hello. And she drank till the end! Um.... trying to remember the sequence of things... As she realized that the Muffin Man wasn't her Ryan Gossling she decidded to push him away and hopefully he would break up with her b/c apparently she didn't to borrow MY balls to do it. Well that backfired soooo badly... he then became the Muffin Man who stalked her. He would call her and want to go on a "camping trip", which Sam and I were convinced he was going to kill her and rape her corpse because she hadn't slept with him in 4 months. Then after they got back from the trip she started to push him away AGAIN and again it did not work... One morning I get a text from Cherrie and she had asked me if I left a muffin and a poem in her car while she slept... obviously I was too busy drinking to do this and I do not know how to write a poem. Turns out this was the Muffin Mans way of wooing his woman back. I think she ended the relationship with him eventually but the Muffin Man wasn't cooked yet. He decided to pen his love for her on the Internet... what a fucking idiot. He made a 'livejournal" just for her!!!! What a gift from the Christmas Jesus. Lovingly titled "Abuh" he goes on to state..ahh fuck it you read it I couldn't make it better if I wanted to...
       "This is a little late to say now, however I felt it for a few months. I love Cherrie Lyn Sludock. I never said it to her for some unknown reason. I think it had a lot to do with when we first started dating and we were watching some sappy movie and it has the total cliche lines and she said that it was soo lame and whack and I was thinking of a original and or clever way of telling her but I'm just not that creative I spose. Hindsight is always twenty-twenty. What bugs me is that we never fought and the first time she was really genuienly mad at me we broke up over a misscommunication."
     ..... um the miscommunication was that you were a fucking creeper. WHO DRIVES 20 MILES FROM EASTON TO GEORGETOWN TO LEAVE A FUCKING MUFFIN AND A POEM IN SOMEONES CAR... Shit.... I wish I had that poem.

This Post was way too long and I apologise but I got a good laugh out of it and I have many many more stories about this to write about and I will write another one about this. It did get a little off track from insensative ass holes but I know you'll like it... maybe tomorrow I'll write one about what men say to get in your pants, and why it doesn't work!

Thanks Always -----R<3

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