Why I Do Not Like Children

     I have never known what to do around kids who are younger than me. I especially have a hard time with children children. I never know what to say or do when they're around, I feel like I have to entertain them. When you ask them what they want to do and their shoulders just shrug, like I am supposed to be the fun one? I am old and you are supposed to be the imaginative one. My imagination swings as far as vodka or rum. Club soda or juice. I don't give a shit about your PSP or DS. I mean is my dog supposed to entertain you? Because Daisy doesn't give a shit either. She does not fetch nor run. Have fun with that.
     What does one say to a child? You offer food and drink then what? How much children food are you supposed to have in your home at one time? And juice? I keep a limited supply that is mine. I also have a limited supply of food, especially things like Chewy bars or whatever the hell else a kid will eat. It doesn't take too much to sustain my 110lb frame so things such as roll-ups and dino oatmeal are things that will never be in my cabinet. Also, when someone comes to my house I ask them if they want a drink drink, not like water or soda. My options are always beer, wine and vodka. The end. Hopefully your child is teething when they come to my house.
     To further explain my core shaking fear, I feel like I cannot talk like a human in front of them either. I mean I talk to my kid as an adult because otherwise I feel like its insulting to her. I do however respect people who choose to shield their child from people like me. But I don't feel like it is appropriate for me to talk like a child, I am not a child anymore so I'm not going to ask your kid, "Do need some more juicy juice, you little snuggle muffin face?" No thanks. I rather not. When I ask you a question, I expect an answer. What do you want to watch on tv? (shoulder shrug) ANSWER ME!! For the love of god. What channel? Do not tell me a number. Channel numbers change regionally. Everyone knows that.
     And what is it with people who let their kids suck on a pacifier till they're 12? That kid is going to grow up and want to suck the nipples off all of his girlfriends. Or behead them and eat their body parts. I have no time for ineffective parents. Breast feeding is a horrible idea as well. Everyone says that this is a good thing for the baby...false. That kids now has an unhealthy attachment to his mother. They will be overly needy and clingy to anyone who even smells like their mother. And lets just say that the mother complex is not a fun thing. ( I am not talking about Chris, just to clarify.) Cut the cord people! Also don't threaten your kids. I don't want to hear you say, "Do you want me to tell your dad what you're doing?" Shut the fuck up and deal with your kid. You spread your legs and dropped it off, deal with the big boy part of this, because I can't listen to that kid anymore!


Thanks for letting me vent to you all
I love you -R

Shoot To Kill

     So this is something that I am not pleased about to say the least. Hillbilly's and guns do not mix. On another note there are times when something like this makes me think what the hell was running through that rednecks mind when he told all of his deputies to shoot 48 rare animals dead. So last night I had a few, as usual, and put on my backwoods mind cap and came up with this. Something is going to get lost in the translation of this so I am going to try to sound out some words where I feel they need to be accentuated. Here is the Link to what actually happened: http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2011/10/19/police_seek_escaped_exotic_animals_in_ohio/
And with that I'll leave you to Captain Dipshitz report on what happened. Get your inner southern accent out people, you're going to need it.


     My name is Officer Dipshitz, and I am here to attest to what occurred in the woods on Tuesday of this week. I got a call on my CB UHradio and I was told that there was a animal disturbance out on Muskingum Farm. So I loaded my shotgun and headed out there. When I came to the scene, I saw that the owner had shot his head clean off. I mean why in gods creation would he shoot his face off. How is his momma gonna give him a proper burial with no face. I heard that when someone has no face they have to be cremated, and cremation is a sin. Jesus does not like burned up bodies. As I pulled up onto the farm, I saw many animals like big cats and monkeys and stuff, all prancin' around free like. I never saw so many animals runnin' around like that before. I called for backup and when they finished their breakfast and paid Jimmy the diner man they rushed right up here and asked me what to do. I told Loyd and Fred, SHOOT TO KILL, I REPEAT SHOOT TO KILL. We then all stealthy like swept the land and shot those deadly fuckers so that they wouldn't hurt any of our society. I mean could you imagine a tiger getting loose on Main Street?! Jimmy would have a stone cold fit. We would be getting all sorts of calls. I think in all we shot 200 animals. Our town is safe. There was one monkey that we have not found. I'm going to go on record and say that one of those devil cats ate it.
     I am getting all sorts of bad publicity from this. People are sayin' I was wrong to shoot the animals. But I'ma turn it right back on those people and say, "Hey, what if it was your town huh? Would you want the local zoo runnin', shittin' on your street?" I think that that would agree with me, Officer Dipshitz. I mean when I killed those animals I was in uhrage, and I could not control myself. It was like the good Jesus opened huntin' season early. Some of the animals were taken to the zoo and I don't think that that is a god idea at all. Those heathens are gonna kill a zoo worker. It happens everyday. Look at that tiger man in that Las Vegas, he was that cats best friend, against his better judgement, and that animal, that Satan's creature almost killed him. Because he trusted it. Shame on him. I don't even let my dog in the house. Duke Sleeps on the porch.
     I will always stand by my decision and say that those animals were on the move and that they were aggressive. And even if that monkey is alive he has herpes. I don't know where he got it and I am not prepared to say if the owner of the farm was mOlesting his monkey, but one can only speculate. He was not a nice man. And obviously not a good Christian. He blew his own face off.
     Well I got to get goin' there is a monkey on the loose with herpes and I'm gonna get it, he's mine. After this I will have no further comments. Thank you to our troops for protecting the great USA and thanks to us this town is safe from infected animals. I will leave you with a picture of all of Satan's creatures, that's me in the black.

Thank you for letting me be a complete idiot on a regualr basis, if there is anyone you guys would like me to speak for please let me know. I had a lot of fun with this and I hope to do it again.

Love always ---R

Pipedream

     So I am sitting here eating veggie spring rolls and watching say yes to the dress big bliss, and thinking about things I should have done while I had the chance. I feel like everyone thinks this way from time to time. The way I'm thinking about it though is not in the traditional sense. Sure, I could have a college degree right now and I don't Wahh wahh, whatever. I've never measured success with a piece of paper that cost me 70,000 dollars. Yeah, Chris and I could have had a wedding and nice rings and all that happy shit, but guess what, I rather not see most of the people that should be invited and I'm too lazy to think about it. So in no way in those aspects would I say coulda, woulda, shoulda. But here are the things that I truly feel that I have missed out on in my life:

     Joining a Motorcycle Club: I know you all are rolling your eyes right now. But obviously after watching Sons of Anarchy, I feel like What the hell was I thinking?!?!?!  I should have done that. I mean really, what part of me screams domesticated? Being out on the road and being free, sounds right up my alley. Who wouldn't want to straddle Jax, Opie and my favorite JUICE! So sexy. Anyway, sorry I had a moment. And Gemma, shit, what a powerhouse. I would love to walk around and know that no one is going to fuck with me. I would also like to have the cops in my pocket. Speeding tickets and licence suspensions are just a hassle that I think should go away just because my husband will fucking kill you. I have a feeling that they get a discount on leather jackets, and I need one! None of them care if they have a collage degree because they have AK's. If someone said to Jax, "um I'm sorry you can't work here because you don't have a degree", They would have 2 in their forehead in about 30 seconds then he would come home and do me... I mean Tara.

     Learned How to do Makeup: This is where I have a problem. Apparently the only thing I can do is foundation and eyeliner. If I get my little fingers on a bottle of bronzer, watch out universe I will make you all look like a fucking carrot. I feel like I cannot get tan enough. So, since in the past I have relapsed and gone back to the bed, I felt that the bronzer was the best option. Not in my case. It's kind of like a meth head going to coffee, cigarettes and hydro-drugged-weed, that is not a responsible crutch. So I have stepped away from the bed permanently and resorted to the tinted lotion, it only browns so much, however there is a way to apply it that will accentuate the boobs. Now on to the face. I personally feel that colored eyeshadow makes me look like a tranny. Actually I think that most makeup makes me look like a tranny, its annoying. My cousin Cherrie has the best looking make up always and it's like, trick what is your secret? The question that I can't get past is, "if I got all this makeup on, why do I have to put jeans on? Why can't I wear yoga pants?" Also, why doesn't your regular face look like your mirror face. When you do your makeup in a small mirror and you think that you are looking fly, back up look at the whole picture and say, "Where the fuck did my make up go?" Ugh it is pointless.

     Be Famous: This is something I think I would be good at. I can't act, I can't sing and I don't dance. So I can either be similar to Kim K (Minus the black male with the crooked dick), Paris Hilton (add 10 lbs and take away the extensions) or Coco, don't add or take away anything. Unfortunately I don't have a famous parent to give me a boost and I don't think I would ever spread my legs or repeatedly tear my Bhole for a living. No way. I would also like people to do my hair and makeup for me and also bring my mail to the post office and go grocery shopping. So I think that I would actually not like to be famous as much as I would like a personal assistant. Why does someone who likes to take it up the ass get famous? I mean really when actual real people do that they're not in a diner doing 5 at a time saying "would you like to stick your sausage into my pancake" Gross. If I ever said something like that to Chris, he would laugh hysterically, walk outside and never touch me again. Like why are you thinking of diner food and calling my dick a sausage when I'm coming at you.


This is the best I had in me today. But now I am watching hoarders and then intervention... I'll have much more tomorrow.
I love you all --R <3