Friday, March 29, 2013

Nicolas Sparks a Soul Rapist

     As one of the moderately self conscious females of this earth, I find myself so happy when the latest Nicolas Sparks book comes out. Then I read it, and become borderline suicidal. That sick son of a bitch is a masochist. He must sit and laugh at all of us hormonally charged fake blonds running to the store just to be soul fucked. These are the things I have learned from NS books. And coming from the sucker that has read all of these books, you are welcome!
  • The Best of Me: Teenage love never dies, however one of you will before the other, only to leave you feeling guilty as shit for the rest of their lives.
  • Safe Haven: Ghosts are tricky and double identities are stupid. Running away from problems solves nothing.
  • The Lucky One: This man obviously has never used Google earth. He could have found that girl in 2 minutes. This is the definition of a man who can't ask for help.
  • The Choice: Always keep someone on a breathing tube longer then you thought!
  • Dear John: Marrying or 50 year old dying neighbor is disgusting...But he does have a giant house and horses. Just fake it till he dies.
  • At First Sight: Don't have babies.
  • The Wedding: Your kids will still grow up and lie to you. Your husband will be a dick for 25+ years and then scramble to fix shit. Noah Calhoun can still make me cry.
  • The Guardian: I want a great dane. It also taught me however that if someone even pointed a spoon at my Daisy, let alone a weapon, I would rip out their god damned throat. Again running away from your problems doesn't work.
  • A Bend in the Road: Do not ever under any circumstances trust your children's teacher.
  • A Walk to Remember: This is going to sound rude...That was a lot of work to get that girl to put out, then she kicks it. Also if a girls dad is a dick to you for no reason, walk away. Daddy's girls have head problems.
  • The Notebook: Here we go where to start. This book has eternally fucked all of us! Sorry men. Writing love letters is HOT. Reading 365 of them at once...Not so much. It's also an acceptable profession to work with wood in a barn. There is no reason to go to college!! Always buy a fixer upper, some girl some where will get all wet over it. The one thing that the Notebook taught me that I have never ever learned before was..... Drum roll please... MARRIED PEOPLE CAN ACTUALLY MAKE IT TO THEIR DEATH YEARS AND NOT HAVE ALREADY KILLED ONE ANOTHER!! I mean it's amazing people actually stay married... for love. Then you still haven't stolen enough of their soul, you have to will yourselves to die together...I think that's a felony.
     General Thoughts:
  • All of these sweet, sensitive, honest, trustworthy, loyal, shirtless, sweaty, toned men live in North Carolina near the beach...and maybe one or two in West Virginia (ohhhh wait that's a personal observation) No they do not! I lived with in 1 hour of New Bern and all I ever saw driving through there was broken down trucks and old violated mattresses out in the yards. Daisy came from New Bern, and I am convinced that she loves me so much because I took her off that farm where her ass hole was in constant terror. All the men I had seen down there were horny, drunk and totally lovable Marines. However if any of them approached a NS book fan they would have gotten snubbed fast...I may have been the exception there...

Again I love you all. -R

Friday, March 22, 2013

Ahh Hello No!

     Ahh my new life as a newly single bartender has given me much inspiration for this! I have to say for the first time in a long time I am very happy. After losing quite a bit of weight and some inner self searching, I look hot, I feel hot and I am just being me. I am very excited for my new life and I figured since I am smiling, you should smile.
     I as much as the next girl love to be told how beautiful, hot,attractive I am, as many times as possible. My inner self of course says, "I know" or "Thanks divorce". However on the outside I still react like a little bitch, blush a little and shrug it off like they're being nice and swiftly walk away.
    There are always statements though that are said that only have one response. NO. Not something like, do you want a sandwich? There are times when all I can do is come up with something quick and witty. However there are times when my inner ghetto princess comes out and this is how I react...

Here are some of those times. Insert AHHHHH HELL NO after these statements.
  1. I'm 41 and you're 26. What would you say if I asked you to go to a hockey game with me?...
  2. Want to go see a Nicki Minaj concert?...
  3. Do you want to meet my mother?...
  4. Do you think you will ever want to have more kids?...
  5. Is there anything I can do to change your mind?...
  6. Do you want to go up North with me for the weekend and go snow mobing?...
  7. Do you want to go camping with me alone?...
  8. Do you want to snuggle?...
  9. Can I get you jewelry?...
  10. I'm a pipe liner, want to see the pipe?...
  11. Why don't you do all the work tonight?...
  12. Do you think you should be eating that?...
  13. Want to be my next ex wife?...
  14. Why do you love that dog so much?...
  15. Can you stand next to me and make me look good?...
  16. Are those real?... (Yeah I implanted these 34Cs... really dude!
  17. Lets watch Duck Dynasty...
  18. Why do you and your cousin talk to each other like puppies?...
  19. Don't you want to wear something a little longer or maybe not black?...
  20. Are you sure you want to have that last drink?..
     Also there are several things that when in a relationship or in many cases casual hook ups that people say to test the waters and see what boundaries can be pushed in an experience. Here are some that deserve the above response:
  1. Do you like it in the...?...
  2. Can you bite my nipples?...
  3. Say my name...BITCH...
  4. Want to bring some food into the mix?...
  5. Can I stick my thumb....?
     I hope you all enjoyed! <3 always R

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Conversations with Megan Fox and Brain Austin Green

     So I am sitting here having a lazy day before work watching Fashion Police. Then the thought came to mind, that when Joan Rivers dies, I should take her job. I really could care less about what people wear, I just want to opportunity to speak as freely as she does and not get yelled at for it. Originally I was going to do my thoughts on many celebrities today, but I started writing about these two and I literally could not stop. This may become a regular thing.

Brian Austin Green- I have loved your washed up beautiful face since I was 5 and you were 20. Then you married someone my age. Strike one. Then you hit my funny button when you started acting on Smallville, which I hate! Where have all the David Greens gone?! Strike 2. You're final fuck up with me is that you are now on a TBS show about a wedding band... You're out! Your wife, who is my age, is the hottest woman in the world. At least have some dignity and be a stay at home dad. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that the man who married Donna Martin aka Tori Spelling, is now literally married to MeganFox. I mean I totally understand dating someone who is slightly beneath you, story of much of my life, but TBS?!?! Really!
What the hell is the matter with her? I get it because I grew up watching him on TV too and I loved him, however I don't know what they would ever talk about. Here is what I imagine goes on in that house.

Take 1
 M-"Hey B how was your day on set? Cover any bad David Bowie songs?"
 B-"It was great, me and the crew did a sweet rendition of YMCA. I think we actually might make this a thing like in our off time. Maybe we can use the garage."
M- "That's great sweetie. Rachel Zoe and I went to lunch and discussed what I was going to wear to the Globes. It was great. Are you going to be able to make it to this red carpet event?"
B- "Beautiful, You know I hate those things, they're so 1992."

Take 2

B- "Hey hunncan I use your credit card, mine seems to be acting up?"
M- "Of course my sugar loaf, but I did tell you before you can just be on my account if you want. Waiting for your syndication checks from Soap Net can really suck."
B- "Why do you always have to be so condescending about them?! They come in from WB, I mean CW on the first and Soap Net on the 15th. I have them staggered for a reason! God I hate asking you for this shit!"

Take 3

M- "Brian, why are you so afraid to take off your shirt in front of me/"
B- "We've gone over this. I have a little bit of a complex. You know, Vanessa, my stunning ex wife, used to be on General Hospital with those guys. That Steve Burton was so firm and I was David Green, the kid from 90210 with the Vanilla Ice Jew do. I can't stop thinking that I still look like that."
M- "Awwww Daddy, you do still look like that. And that's why I love you so much. You know I had posters of you in my bedroom when I was little."
B- "You always know how to make me feel like a real man. So who do you want to be tonight Donna with the red wig or Valerie with the brown wig?"
M- "ohhhh tough choice Mr. Silverman but I think tonight, let me go Kelly Taylor. It's kind of hot she was your step-sister."

I do love you David, I mean Brian and I always will,
             <3 -R

Monday, December 3, 2012

W Seeking M

     As I'm sure we all know by now, my marriage is over. I am going to leave it at that and not dwell because I will just start drinking and never get through this post. I do love Chris and we are still friends, no bad blood.

     With that being said I would like to let you all know what I am looking for in a relationship. I am not saying that these are the reasons my marriage failed. The two people who didn't know each other entered into a relationship just ended up being too different. Some people have things that they look for and things that they cannot tolerate. This is going to read like a cheap personal advertisement Enjoy.
  1. My daughter: You have to accept that fact that I have a daughter that has a father and she will never have another one.I don't need you to play baby daddy. However only seeing me when she is with her dad is out of the question. This shouldn't have to be to be written.
  2. My dog: If you do not like my dog, I do not like you. That goes for everyone on the face of the earth. I don't care if you were mauled my a chuiwawa when you were a child, if you don't like Daisy, get the fuck out. I talk to her like she is a newborn Jesus, for instance "baby pumpkinface" is a phrase I use often. She doesn't always smell her best, she is a hound dog, I love how she smells. Do not ever tell me that my dog smells. We snuggle and I like her to sleep in my bed on occasion, if this means that you sleep on the couch so be it. 
  3. My Ex-husband: I love my ex-husband. He is my friend and always will be, get over it. Everyone will always have a complex about some ex in their lives. Don't mess with it. Right now he is still up on a pedestal with me. Don't fuck with that either.
  4. My mother: Say anything bad about my mother and I will murder you...slowly. 
  5. Daddy issues: I have daddy issues and I do not care. They haven't gone away at this point in my life and they never will. Try to make me feel bad about it or 'build my bridges back' I'll murder you and send the parts to your mother.
  6. Tattoos: I would prefer if you have them. Well more then likely, I wouldn't date you if you didn't. Tell me not to get another one and that I have enough, and I will get 10 more and flaunt them, it has been done before.
  7. Games: I don't play games. If you want to leave, then leave. If you're jealous tell me. Talk to me, not to other people and especially not to another girl about me. I'm already fucked up enough from that, I do not have time for it again. If you try to manipulate me in anyway, you are messing with the wrong person. I don't like to do it but I can say things to make you cry in the fetal position and cut you down like an oak tree.
  8. Murder: Always be aware that I can and am capable of murder, and I do know how to melt a body like an ice cube. It's like a store it in the back of your mind thang.
  9. Showers: I like to shower alone. I don't need to see how you wash yourself and you don't need to see me shave my legs. You are more then welcome to come into the bathroom when I am in there. Not in the shower.
  10. Family: I love my family. They are crazy and a completely mixed bag of people. My bar customers that are mostly 65+ year old men are my family. The closest man in my life is my stepfather, who I love to death, he will also kill you. I have more guy friends then girl friends and all of my friends are my family. There were people in my life that are not in it now and they are still my family, no matter how I knew them. There are also members of my family that are no longer my family anymore. There is no fixing that, I do not want to fix it. I respect you also have a family, however they do not need to be mine.
  11. Smoke: I smoke on occasion, deal with it. Try to get my to quit and pack your shit.
  12. Drink: I drink like 400lb Russian man. Try to get me to quit and pack your shit. I want a partner not a counselor.
  13. Mirror mirror: I need someone to tell me I look beautiful. Being trampled like a mouse by an elephant by the many men in my life has fucked with me. That is the only explanation you will ever get.
  14. Arrest: I do not care about your criminal past, as long as that past is over. I don't do bail anymore, that's what mommies are for.
  15. Control: I have control issues. I try everything in my power to control everything.
  16. Pills: I have general anxiety. I like to be medicated for it. I blame it on the daddy genes.
  17. Country music: Country music makes me want to kill myself. I like angry chick music, bad nigga rap and the Stone Temple Pilots. I like to get lost in music and not have it spelled out for me.
  18. Home: I love my home town. It is the place where I feel the best and most alive. All of my family is there. There is nowhere else I could close my eyes and drive perfectly, it is in my blood. North Carolina is my other favorite place. I could care less if I vacation anywhere else. I would love to go to Ireland one day though.
  19. Mommy's: I am not cho mama. I don't ever want to be. I am not a mommy person. Mommy's tend to piss on their territory and I don't play those games anymore. If that's how it is we don't need to be friends. I have enough friends, I do not feel any obligation to be friends with your mommy. I know you love her, but I don't have to, and don't expect me to.
  20. Everything else: I love the Steelers, I have never been to Pittsburgh, it's a daddy thing. I hate family holidays. I hate pumpkin flavored things. My favorite color is black. Most of my clothes are black. I love bad TV shows and romantic comedies. I will always want a man who looks like Jeffery Dean Morgan or Carey Heart. I want a love story like a Nicolas Sparks book as long as no one dies at the end. I like too many recreational drugs that I will never do anymore. I will never love anything or anyone like my Pam. When I am hungry I will always want Ramen noodles. I work out because I don't think I am pretty. I hate most men because I don't think I am worth it. I have more respect for the Marine Corps and the men in it then anything else in the world, they are also some of the best friends I have had. Don't buy me flowers to impress me, I'll just let them die. If you tell me I am not allowed to do something, I am going to do it even if it will kill me. One of the best friends I have ever had in my life was a 60 year old man who died of cancer. Don't forget my birthday. Tom Petty was the first celebrity that I ever loved. I am a sucker for a bacon egg and cheese sandwich and I mean a real one. I am deathly afraid of spiders and moths. The only thing I want to do with my life is to open and run a successful bar. I have a tendency to drink too much and fall down. If I am hungover I will vomit. I don't believe in soul mates. Every time I have invested everything I have, it all falls apart. I should not be allowed to drink Wild Turkey or Jegar ever again, not because I get sick, because I turn into a hot mess of a human and start to think about old shit, and old shit isn't good. I like my alone time, but I don't like to be lonely. I am tired of being lonely. I burp, I fart, I drink beer and I will always want a better and faster car then you, I am still a woman I expect to be treated like one.
On a lighter and brighter note, Craig's List personals entertain me to no end. Here are some of my faves from this week. These are from the Flint area in Michigan.

"HI, I would like to meet a mature lady, a down earth, open minded semi fit, likes to do recreational stuff, bike ride, walks, jog maybe the crim togethjer, maybe not. Just want some interaction with a person who has similar likes,,( maybe close) and u have to be a big talker cause I am a gentleman , until I get to know you lol oh gotto like sex too." ------YOU GOTTO!!

"white male seeks latin hispanic putrorican female for relationship. Hi white male 40 6ft3 good sense of humor enjoy sports concerts movies dineing out seeks Latin Hispanic puertorican for relationship please seriois responses only" ----PLEASE BRING DIKTONARY

"I'm going to tell ladies. I'm honest. When I drop the next few sentences on you you'll hate me or appreciate me. I never cheat ladies! Why you may ask? I only date girls that I like physically. What is that you say? Big ole boobies! There I said it! Yes ladies a big rack keeps me attentive and faithful. Great cleavage gets me to clean the garage, put the seat down, take out the garbage and fix the leaky sink. It does not get me to put silverware away or fold clothes though" ---AT LEAST HE IS HONEST but I wish more then anything he called them bitties.

And now they allowed to post pictures! I mean nothing says romance like a weird looking dick in your face!

     At the end of the day I am only a hot fucking mess and always will be-- <3 R

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

The List

     There are some songs that stick with you no matter what. There is a hard list of songs that you could listen to all day on repeat and then do it again the next day. Some are sad, some are angry and some are just plain stupid. But they are yours. Being a child of the late 80's, many of these songs on my list are from the 90's. This will never throughout the course of my life change. However I will listen to almost anything. I am not a country music fan but I can appreciate what they do, just too much bitching and whining for me. There is something about music that makes everyone feel free for even just 2 minutes. This is my list, in no particular order.

1. Alanis- You Outta Know
     This goes without saying. It probably tops many of these kinds of lists. No matter where I am, I jam to this song. Even the acoustic version can burn into your veins. Melting into millions of peoples relationships over almost 20 years since its release, must be one of the best accomplishments of this song. This song applies to everyone at at least one point in their lives. "And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back I hope you feel it", is the most brilliant line in the song, we all want someone to be mad we found someone else, even for just a night. She is one angry bitch on this album and it is nothing less than a beautiful composition of true and blind rage. 

2. Four Seasons- December 1963
     I love this song because it's catchy and timeless. I mainly love this song because someone once told me they met and fell in love with my mother while hearing this. That person did their humanly best to raise me and I respect him for that, even though it was beyond his skill set. It's perfectly romantic and honest. 

3. Biz Markie- Just a Friend
     I know, I know, but you know you love it too. As tone def and ugly as this obese black man is, there is no way you can ever turn this song off when it comes on the radio. Every now and again I find myself singing it to Daisy when the mood strikes. "Daisy you, got what I neeeeeeeeeed..."

4. Stone Temple Pilots- Creep
     I love this man so much. He is a beautiful junkie. I have a feeling he wrote this song explicitly about himself. I love this song because I believe we all feel the same way about ourselves at one point or another. 

5. Fuel- Going to California/ Daniel
     Yes I know these are not Fuel's songs, however, they are song beautifully. Daniel is generally the same arrangement as the original (Elton John) but with a more sincere and believable quality. I actually can feel how this man feels about his brother. Going to California is nothing short of genius. They take their time with the song unlike the original, I felt like that one was a bit rushed. 

6. Coolio- Gangstas Paradise
     Amazing. Of course I love the movie Dangerous Minds and have seen it hundreds of times. I want this song to played at my funeral. 

7. Tom Petty- Into the Great Wide Open
     This song shows the possibilities in life. Eddie wanted something, he went and got it and then he realized that it was overrated. Story of every ones life. Tom always has a beautiful positive and almost mocking way of making a joke or sarcastic jab at the songs purpose and meaning with his light and pop-ish sound. This is why he is my all time favorite human. 

8. Hootie and The Blowfish- Running From an Angel
     This song hits close to home with me. Everyone knows I love my mother more then anything. And even though I love the man who raised me and I respect him for doing so, I know he was horrible to my mother at times and even as a child I wanted to ask him what is his problem. This is a smart and meaningful song who was probably written by someone who has witnessed this first hand. 

9. Natalie Merchant- Beloved Wife
     I do not know one person who has single-handedly written a better song. Especially from a man to a woman. I cannot even put into words how I feel about this song. 

10. Neil Young- Hey Hey, My My
     Makes so much sense, and was completely appropriate for the time period and even more now. "artists" now don't even know how to play an instrument. That is all I can say. 

     Thanks as always--- <3 R

Wednesday, July 25, 2012


     For people like me its hard getting a job. I have a kid, and a husband who works over 60 hours a week, oh and no real talent. I have literally nothing to fall back on. For instance, I worked at several hardware stores for 6+ years, I bar-tended and that's about it. I don't have a skill or a degree in anything. So, with it being nearly impossible to get a job, I have created a resume for myself that will ensure that I get a reasonable amount of employment offers coming my way!

Name: Robyn Champion
Maiden Name: Sludock (My mothers last name since my father is an eternal dirt bag)
Phone #: You're not getting it, my ring back tone could be considered offensive
Fax: 1-800-STAPLES, why would I have a fax machine?

Previous Employment: Paint lady and beer bitch.
Skill Set: Common sense and a nice rack, oh and an occasional good Jew joke.
References: I have limited friends, so just call my cousin who has a different last name as me. She'll lie and tell you that I'm a good and decent person who will be an asset to your company.
Cover Letter: I don't know how to do that so, no don't have one, too much work.
Hobbies: Drinking...I'm struggling to find anything else to say here...should I say something like joining the peace core?

I know not much but this will do for now <3 R

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Only Crazy People Fall in Love With Me

     I know it's been a while, but I have been searching deep inside myself and was trying to come up with one of the funniest and most mind numbing topics to jump back into the game with. They only thing I could come up with was my love life. 

     I can honestly say I have fallen in love three times. Now that I am older, I can be honest with myself and say that two of those people have fallen in love with me. Of course that doesn't count the people who I have either dated or wanted to date. Loving the idea of someone and actually loving them is very different. There is no question I don't make it easy to let people in on that level. I don't like flowers, I don't want shit on valentines day and I do not want someone who breathes down my neck. If I want a gift I will tell you directly, for instance "I really like that ring _________ has, I would like to have one like it." If you aren't listening to me the first time and you buy me something I don't like, too fucking bad I am going to tell you I don't like it and I will go out and get what I really want. I like my space and really just to be left alone... until I want company. I know but as selfish as it sounds I was able to pull that off for quite a while. I only learned this about myself after my first relationship and it lasted until I got married. I don't need to sit on your lap all the time, I am not a 3 pound tea cup poodle. I do not want you to slap my ass in public, I am not sea biscuit. And I definitely don't want to be kissed on the cheek, I am sure as shit not your mother. However sometimes that gypsy part of me makes me want to put on my running shoes. There is something wrong with me, that when I feel that things are getting a little serious I tend to either A. run or B. sabotage, it's a sickness.

     There are no phrases I hate more than "the one", "soul mate", or "love of my life." Please. If you are lucky enough to be in a serious relationship with someone for more then a year with out hitting them with your car it's at least worth some effort to make it work. If you date someone longer then that especially living with them with out a homicide occuring, you are a very lucky special person. Chris and I have been together for 3 years today actually, and there have been times where I wanted to string him up and watch him kick, I haven't because I feel that 1. I would be caught. 2. Then I would loose my best friend. I think that is an important thing to be friends with the person you end up with because when you are going through a shitty time or a dry spell at least you can kick it and watch Sons of Anarchy Together and have a laugh and not feel so fucking hostile toward each other. Don't get me wrong, if you truly believe that there is no other person on the face of this giant earth that could make you happy tell me to fuck off, but all I am saying is that you happened to meet your spouce. If you were 1000 miles away there may be a person who is either just as good and if not better. Maybe they don't fart at the dinner table or wear socks during sex. Just something to think about. 

     I also always hated breaking up with people. I would rather you tell me in a "nice" way to take a hike then for me to have to tell you. There is some sensitivity chip that is missing from my brain and things come out more cold, cut and dry. My favorite breakup line came from me, of course, and I wasn't really dating this kid but he thought we were. I said, while sitting on the couch together, "yeah I don't think this is going to work anymore, I'm going out with Chris (my now husband) later and I think it would be weird if you were here when he showed up..." And the response fully equip with tears was, "you can be a real bitch sometimes you know that?" Yes I do...I accept that fully, now beat it I have to get ready. Sometimes I do not realize that being honest yet delicate should go hand in hand.

     Like any self respecting nutcase I have songs that basically sum up my relationships. But unlike the ones who match them to Backstreet Boys's - As Long As You Love Me, I am more apt to suggest Stone Temple Pilots and Audioslave, because I love their songs and they tug at your heart but they don't even know what they're about. Maybe being a junkie is the way to figure it out. Grab a needle and put on STP's Purple Album on, and please translate it for me. Any takers? I'm lieing a little bit here, most of the songs I have chosen to share with you all are songs that almost any woman can relate to, and of course I'll post the youtube videos to go along with it in case any of you other crazy bitches out there "don't know these songs"...please I know you do. 

     As was said on Dragnet :"Ladies and gentlemen: the story you are about to hear is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent" Actually I'm going to change some of the names just because it seems like the polite thing to do. But I'm sure some of you out there with half a brain can put some pieces together and solve the great puzzle that is my life.     

     The First: Let's call him Rex
     Beginning of relationship song: Tom Petty - Free Fallin' 

     I'm not going to spend much time on this one because he was the one who didn't love me back. I fell in love with some one when I was 16 and throughout the time we were together I put on 99% of the effort and in the end was disrespected. I really did love him he was funny and stupid and unfortunately a reckless cheater. However I loved being around him though because, he could make the room light up, well and lets be honest my joint. At 17 and 18 and even years after I stayed in love with this person despite other relationships, probably based on his charisma. But after bailing one out of jail time after time there is only so much this chick could take. The last straw came for me when him and I were 'on again' and I found out he was still 'on again' with someone else (who I am currently friends with). In fact they apparently were never 'off' as she told me. A few months later, I was working at the bar and I got a phone call at 12pm, and he asked me to come to the RPD and get him out, I did. Yet the next day I felt raped and pissed off. Why was I the one he called? Because he loved me? hahahahaha no. Because I was the only asshole he could con with 1000 dollars cash in my wallet at that time of night. I was tired and I was done. How do I know he never loved me and that he was just a user? Because when you have loved someone you should always respect them in one way or another even if you are pissed off at them, and he always seemed to get a low blow in whenever he could. It's a really fun feeling.  
End of relationship song: Staying with the same artist here: Tom Petty - Don't Come Around Here No More, it was a tie

     The Nice Guy: Let's call him Mark
   Beginning of relationship song: Alanis - Head Over Feet 
     I really fell hard and fast for Mark because he was just I really nice guy. From the beginning and still now I have nothing but good things to say about him. He worked hard, he didn't do or deal drugs and he was really really good to me. Since we were both coming off "serious" relationships, we thought it was a great idea to jump in with both feet and live together. He was more of a country guy for my taste. I still don't really get the whole cowboy thing, like homes you live in Connecticut, I mean I guess Bethel is the hillbilly side of Redding, but really?! I ran with it anyway, I listened to that cry me a river music and played along but we lived about an hour away from all of my friends and work so it was a pain in the ass commute and I never saw anyone. Playing house for me got a little old and that itch of seriousness was starting to get to me. And of course as a fore mentioned Rex was still in my head. So I did what all of us girls do when we think we should break up with some one, try to get them to do it first! I stayed out late and I partied and he didn't seem to be bothered. He then said to me straight faced, "you know in the next year or so I want to start a family..." Everything went blank from the on and I had to get the hell out of there. So without hesitation I told him flat out, expecting tears that I was moving out and he said "ok, you're going to get back with your ex right? I think I'll call mine too." And just like that with in two days we were separated and "happily" back with our ex's, he later married his, then divorced. It was as easy as a fucking credit card transaction to get out of that relationship and it was amazing, I felt so free!

End of relationship song: The Wreckers - Cigarettes

     This was when I wanted to do nothing but have fun so be prepared for less melodrama and crying and more alcohol consumption.

     The Builder: Justin
     Beginning of relationship song: Gwen Stefani: Luxurious
        To say this was a relationship is a drastic over statement. He was a Guido I met at the hardware store I worked at. And He was a structurally beautiful male. He was always tan, had a long island accent, drove a beautiful truck and had a bad tribal tattoo on his arm... swoon. We had fun, I introduced him to my friends once and they just didn't get it at all. Both of those friends were my two best male friends. Justin was a little bit ghetto yet enough Long Island for me coming off of my year in the "country"... Again he was stupid and for some reason I love that about people. What I really respected about this Pisan was that he called when he wanted me around, or I would call him, other then that we left each other alone. I met his dad, who I loved, such a funny guy and I think he  loved the fact that I didn't want to like get to know the family. We were "together" for about 6 months or so and I thought, well I could start to like wife this kid up, so we talked about it and apparently that was too complicated so we just kind of fizzled out and I was slightly disappointed. But on a scale of 0 to fun, he was fun.      
End of relationship song: The Cranberries - Linger
 (I chose this song for the chorus)

     The "Good Guy": Let's call him Vince
     Only relationship song: Deana Carter - Did I Shave My Legs For this?
     People told me to stay away from this one so obviously, that was like a moth to the flame expression to me. Even my grandparents liked him. Turns out Vince was fun when he was drunk, but completely over compensating. Sorry you're not a man if I have to do all the work all the time...just for that. I'm done with this one, good guy to have as a friend but is cursed with an inflated ego with nothing to back it up. So again to my two best male friends, you were right...again. 

     The Divorcee: Let's call him Ryan
Beginning of relationship song: TheWreckers - Only Crazy People Fall In Love With Me 
     This one was a cocky ass hole who all my friends hated. All of them including my family. He was coming off a divorce, I know I know but I didn't know her. He also was only 4 years older then me so don't get ahead of yourself. Anyway something about him was attractive, probably his I don't give a fuck attitude. We started seeing each other and I really did not care what other people said. But he started getting distant so of course I pushed harder for some kind of relationship. Who doesn't want to date someone who everyone hates. And in true asshole form he stopped calling altogether and starting "dating" some moose that who I thought was a good friend of mine. Bitch don't ask about how my relationship is if you are planning on walking all over it the next week. We are no longer friends, apparently unbeknownst to her. I really think that this relationship didn't work because for 1. He didn't want one and for 2. He wasn't dumb enough for me. I like to be dumb enough to make me laugh at them, and let me have a laugh too. He was always trying to hard to be the cool guy and 90% of the time didn't really know what he was talking about, he had no room to make fun of himself. Although it wasn't a really serious thing the end of it pissed me off. 
End of relationship song: Miranda Lambert - Gun Powder and Lead

     The Last: Chris
     Beginning of relationship song: Miranda Lambert - Strings 
     To avoid any other explanation I ran away to North Carolina because I felt like it. I met Chris a couple days later and I loved him right away. It terrified me because it had been a long time since I felt that way. We had a lot of fun and were, really good drinking friends. He was equally cocky and stupid. He made me laugh and smile every minute. He once told me that he always pictured ending up with a "southern belle" type person, and instead he got a short, mouthy nut job who sounded like she was from Jersey"". I'll take that as a compliment. We went to Myrtle Beach a couple of times and I don't think that I could have been happier. We had our first fight when the second time he took me down there, he borrowed a friends mustang. He had not driven a stick shift in a "while", but he thought there was something wrong with the car, so I made a suggestion that maybe I could drive it and see if I could guess what was wrong with it. So of course I took full advantage and put that car to the test. It drove great, handled beautifully and was in perfect driving condition. Apparently that was a bad idea for me to do. I was later told that, no one had emasculated him that way before, but it was really hot. I didn't drive the rest of the weekend. I got pregnant, we got married. But the only thing that hasn't changed in 3 years, is that I love him and he still makes me laugh, He pisses me off like no one else but more often then not I'm laughing at him and with him, then fighting or feeling like a piece of shit. We have had our hard shit that we have gone through but so far it has been worth it. There is no end song for this one because we haven't ended. Happy anniversary babe. (He probably won't read this as he doesn't particularly understand the blog, and my need to be so direct)

     Don't get me wrong there were other blips on the map but I think all the ones above were worth mentioning...And at least made me who I am today, a crazy bitch who loves reality tv, general hospital and my family

     Now here are 10 rules for dating a twat like me, enjoy:
  1. Do not take yourself too seriously,  do not hold in a fart
  2. Embrace my alcoholism
  3. Do not stop partying before I do
  4. Do not or have ever been on Jdate
  5. Be yourself, because the person you are trying to be sucks
  6. Must love hound dogs including their smells and weekly maintenance
  7. Do not ever tell me to be quiet
  8. Be prepared for your feeling to be hurt (unintentionally)
  9. Hold my hair back when I vomit and then proceed to call me pretty (ignore the smell)
  10. Do not ever point out how you just bought that box of wine, bad idea my friend

     Well I have enjoyed this one I really have and I apologize for my skepticism about two people living happily ever after together. I do know couples that have been together for along time and I think that is great for them, and congratulations on still being alive! 
     Also sorry for all the country songs, but those people write better angry songs then my favorite heroin addict Scott Weiland. He doesn't know what the hell is going on. He just found out last year he was butt fucked when he was 7... just saying.
Love - R