Only Crazy People Fall in Love With Me

     I know it's been a while, but I have been searching deep inside myself and was trying to come up with one of the funniest and most mind numbing topics to jump back into the game with. They only thing I could come up with was my love life. 


     I can honestly say I have fallen in love three times. Now that I am older, I can be honest with myself and say that two of those people have fallen in love with me. Of course that doesn't count the people who I have either dated or wanted to date. Loving the idea of someone and actually loving them is very different. There is no question I don't make it easy to let people in on that level. I don't like flowers, I don't want shit on valentines day and I do not want someone who breathes down my neck. If I want a gift I will tell you directly, for instance "I really like that ring _________ has, I would like to have one like it." If you aren't listening to me the first time and you buy me something I don't like, too fucking bad I am going to tell you I don't like it and I will go out and get what I really want. I like my space and really just to be left alone... until I want company. I know but as selfish as it sounds I was able to pull that off for quite a while. I only learned this about myself after my first relationship and it lasted until I got married. I don't need to sit on your lap all the time, I am not a 3 pound tea cup poodle. I do not want you to slap my ass in public, I am not sea biscuit. And I definitely don't want to be kissed on the cheek, I am sure as shit not your mother. However sometimes that gypsy part of me makes me want to put on my running shoes. There is something wrong with me, that when I feel that things are getting a little serious I tend to either A. run or B. sabotage, it's a sickness.


     There are no phrases I hate more than "the one", "soul mate", or "love of my life." Please. If you are lucky enough to be in a serious relationship with someone for more then a year with out hitting them with your car it's at least worth some effort to make it work. If you date someone longer then that especially living with them with out a homicide occuring, you are a very lucky special person. Chris and I have been together for 3 years today actually, and there have been times where I wanted to string him up and watch him kick, I haven't because I feel that 1. I would be caught. 2. Then I would loose my best friend. I think that is an important thing to be friends with the person you end up with because when you are going through a shitty time or a dry spell at least you can kick it and watch Sons of Anarchy Together and have a laugh and not feel so fucking hostile toward each other. Don't get me wrong, if you truly believe that there is no other person on the face of this giant earth that could make you happy tell me to fuck off, but all I am saying is that you happened to meet your spouce. If you were 1000 miles away there may be a person who is either just as good and if not better. Maybe they don't fart at the dinner table or wear socks during sex. Just something to think about. 


     I also always hated breaking up with people. I would rather you tell me in a "nice" way to take a hike then for me to have to tell you. There is some sensitivity chip that is missing from my brain and things come out more cold, cut and dry. My favorite breakup line came from me, of course, and I wasn't really dating this kid but he thought we were. I said, while sitting on the couch together, "yeah I don't think this is going to work anymore, I'm going out with Chris (my now husband) later and I think it would be weird if you were here when he showed up..." And the response fully equip with tears was, "you can be a real bitch sometimes you know that?" Yes I do...I accept that fully, now beat it I have to get ready. Sometimes I do not realize that being honest yet delicate should go hand in hand.


     Like any self respecting nutcase I have songs that basically sum up my relationships. But unlike the ones who match them to Backstreet Boys's - As Long As You Love Me, I am more apt to suggest Stone Temple Pilots and Audioslave, because I love their songs and they tug at your heart but they don't even know what they're about. Maybe being a junkie is the way to figure it out. Grab a needle and put on STP's Purple Album on, and please translate it for me. Any takers? I'm lieing a little bit here, most of the songs I have chosen to share with you all are songs that almost any woman can relate to, and of course I'll post the youtube videos to go along with it in case any of you other crazy bitches out there "don't know these songs"...please I know you do. 


     As was said on Dragnet :"Ladies and gentlemen: the story you are about to hear is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent" Actually I'm going to change some of the names just because it seems like the polite thing to do. But I'm sure some of you out there with half a brain can put some pieces together and solve the great puzzle that is my life.     

     The First: Let's call him Rex

     Beginning of relationship song: Tom Petty - Free Fallin' 

     I'm not going to spend much time on this one because he was the one who didn't love me back. I fell in love with some one when I was 16 and throughout the time we were together I put on 99% of the effort and in the end was disrespected. I really did love him he was funny and stupid and unfortunately a reckless cheater. However I loved being around him though because, he could make the room light up, well and lets be honest my joint. At 17 and 18 and even years after I stayed in love with this person despite other relationships, probably based on his charisma. But after bailing one out of jail time after time there is only so much this chick could take. The last straw came for me when him and I were 'on again' and I found out he was still 'on again' with someone else (who I am currently friends with). In fact they apparently were never 'off' as she told me. A few months later, I was working at the bar and I got a phone call at 12pm, and he asked me to come to the RPD and get him out, I did. Yet the next day I felt raped and pissed off. Why was I the one he called? Because he loved me? hahahahaha no. Because I was the only asshole he could con with 1000 dollars cash in my wallet at that time of night. I was tired and I was done. How do I know he never loved me and that he was just a user? Because when you have loved someone you should always respect them in one way or another even if you are pissed off at them, and he always seemed to get a low blow in whenever he could. It's a really fun feeling.  

End of relationship song: Staying with the same artist here: Tom Petty - Don't Come Around Here No More, it was a tie

     The Nice Guy: Let's call him Mark

   Beginning of relationship song: Alanis - Head Over Feet 

  
     I really fell hard and fast for Mark because he was just I really nice guy. From the beginning and still now I have nothing but good things to say about him. He worked hard, he didn't do or deal drugs and he was really really good to me. Since we were both coming off "serious" relationships, we thought it was a great idea to jump in with both feet and live together. He was more of a country guy for my taste. I still don't really get the whole cowboy thing, like homes you live in Connecticut, I mean I guess Bethel is the hillbilly side of Redding, but really?! I ran with it anyway, I listened to that cry me a river music and played along but we lived about an hour away from all of my friends and work so it was a pain in the ass commute and I never saw anyone. Playing house for me got a little old and that itch of seriousness was starting to get to me. And of course as a fore mentioned Rex was still in my head. So I did what all of us girls do when we think we should break up with some one, try to get them to do it first! I stayed out late and I partied and he didn't seem to be bothered. He then said to me straight faced, "you know in the next year or so I want to start a family..." Everything went blank from the on and I had to get the hell out of there. So without hesitation I told him flat out, expecting tears that I was moving out and he said "ok, you're going to get back with your ex right? I think I'll call mine too." And just like that with in two days we were separated and "happily" back with our ex's, he later married his, then divorced. It was as easy as a fucking credit card transaction to get out of that relationship and it was amazing, I felt so free!

End of relationship song: The Wreckers - Cigarettes

     This was when I wanted to do nothing but have fun so be prepared for less melodrama and crying and more alcohol consumption.

     The Builder: Justin

     Beginning of relationship song: Gwen Stefani: Luxurious

     

        To say this was a relationship is a drastic over statement. He was a Guido I met at the hardware store I worked at. And He was a structurally beautiful male. He was always tan, had a long island accent, drove a beautiful truck and had a bad tribal tattoo on his arm... swoon. We had fun, I introduced him to my friends once and they just didn't get it at all. Both of those friends were my two best male friends. Justin was a little bit ghetto yet enough Long Island for me coming off of my year in the "country"... Again he was stupid and for some reason I love that about people. What I really respected about this Pisan was that he called when he wanted me around, or I would call him, other then that we left each other alone. I met his dad, who I loved, such a funny guy and I think he  loved the fact that I didn't want to like get to know the family. We were "together" for about 6 months or so and I thought, well I could start to like wife this kid up, so we talked about it and apparently that was too complicated so we just kind of fizzled out and I was slightly disappointed. But on a scale of 0 to fun, he was fun.      

End of relationship song: The Cranberries - Linger

 (I chose this song for the chorus)

     The "Good Guy": Let's call him Vince

     Only relationship song: Deana Carter - Did I Shave My Legs For this?

     People told me to stay away from this one so obviously, that was like a moth to the flame expression to me. Even my grandparents liked him. Turns out Vince was fun when he was drunk, but completely over compensating. Sorry you're not a man if I have to do all the work all the time...just for that. I'm done with this one, good guy to have as a friend but is cursed with an inflated ego with nothing to back it up. So again to my two best male friends, you were right...again. 

     The Divorcee: Let's call him Ryan

Beginning of relationship song: TheWreckers - Only Crazy People Fall In Love With Me 

     
     This one was a cocky ass hole who all my friends hated. All of them including my family. He was coming off a divorce, I know I know but I didn't know her. He also was only 4 years older then me so don't get ahead of yourself. Anyway something about him was attractive, probably his I don't give a fuck attitude. We started seeing each other and I really did not care what other people said. But he started getting distant so of course I pushed harder for some kind of relationship. Who doesn't want to date someone who everyone hates. And in true asshole form he stopped calling altogether and starting "dating" some moose that who I thought was a good friend of mine. Bitch don't ask about how my relationship is if you are planning on walking all over it the next week. We are no longer friends, apparently unbeknownst to her. I really think that this relationship didn't work because for 1. He didn't want one and for 2. He wasn't dumb enough for me. I like to be dumb enough to make me laugh at them, and let me have a laugh too. He was always trying to hard to be the cool guy and 90% of the time didn't really know what he was talking about, he had no room to make fun of himself. Although it wasn't a really serious thing the end of it pissed me off. 

End of relationship song: Miranda Lambert - Gun Powder and Lead

     The Last: Chris

     Beginning of relationship song: Miranda Lambert - Strings 
     To avoid any other explanation I ran away to North Carolina because I felt like it. I met Chris a couple days later and I loved him right away. It terrified me because it had been a long time since I felt that way. We had a lot of fun and were, really good drinking friends. He was equally cocky and stupid. He made me laugh and smile every minute. He once told me that he always pictured ending up with a "southern belle" type person, and instead he got a short, mouthy nut job who sounded like she was from Jersey"". I'll take that as a compliment. We went to Myrtle Beach a couple of times and I don't think that I could have been happier. We had our first fight when the second time he took me down there, he borrowed a friends mustang. He had not driven a stick shift in a "while", but he thought there was something wrong with the car, so I made a suggestion that maybe I could drive it and see if I could guess what was wrong with it. So of course I took full advantage and put that car to the test. It drove great, handled beautifully and was in perfect driving condition. Apparently that was a bad idea for me to do. I was later told that, no one had emasculated him that way before, but it was really hot. I didn't drive the rest of the weekend. I got pregnant, we got married. But the only thing that hasn't changed in 3 years, is that I love him and he still makes me laugh, He pisses me off like no one else but more often then not I'm laughing at him and with him, then fighting or feeling like a piece of shit. We have had our hard shit that we have gone through but so far it has been worth it. There is no end song for this one because we haven't ended. Happy anniversary babe. (He probably won't read this as he doesn't particularly understand the blog, and my need to be so direct)


     Don't get me wrong there were other blips on the map but I think all the ones above were worth mentioning...And at least made me who I am today, a crazy bitch who loves reality tv, general hospital and my family

     Now here are 10 rules for dating a twat like me, enjoy:

1. Do not take yourself too seriously,  do not hold in a fart
2. Embrace my alcoholism
3. Do not stop partying before I do
4. Do not or have ever been on Jdate
5. Be yourself, because the person you are trying to be sucks
6. Must love hound dogs including their smells and weekly maintenance
7. Do not ever tell me to be quiet
8. Be prepared for your feeling to be hurt (unintentionally)
9. Hold my hair back when I vomit and then proceed to call me pretty (ignore the smell)
10. Do not ever point out how you just bought that box of wine, bad idea my friend

     Well I have enjoyed this one I really have and I apologize for my skepticism about two people living happily ever after together. I do know couples that have been together for along time and I think that is great for them, and congratulations on still being alive! 

     Also sorry for all the country songs, but those people write better angry songs then my favorite heroin addict Scott Weiland. He doesn't know what the hell is going on. He just found out last year he was butt fucked when he was 7... just saying.

Love - R

The Duggars

Bad Drivers

Commercials

     There are few things that I love to do. I love to love, I love to cook and I love to drink. That sounds simple however there is one thing that I love above all, bad commercials. I love them because who goes to a plastic surgeons office when they're having a 2 for 1 special? What a waste of money! They also really make make you look like an ass hole. Also, they differ regionally as well. When Chris and I lived in NC they were almost all homemade family style commercials. Up here in MI it's a whole different ball game. Here are some of my favorites:

Ok, this is just fucking gross. I don't give a shit what is going on in your vagina. Never in my life have I felt like there was a porcupine in between my legs, or that kind of smell. Gross gross gross. I mean I will admit from time to time I have slacked off on shaving my legs, but I have always taken care of my feminine area. As men have their 3 S's that they have (shit, shower and shave), I also have my 3 S's when it comes to that "area" of my life. Shower, soap and shave. That way I will never need any of these products. Maybe there are more people who should adopt this philosophy. Also, I would like to add that there is a product out there called the vagisil screening kit. I think that this is obscene. If you're going to pay 35 dollars to see if you have some kind of issue down there, you might as well just go to the doctor who can 100% give you a diagnosis. And if you think you have a yeast infection treat it, if it doesn't go away, go to the doctor. Do not spend extra money trying to self diagnose. This is not a DIY project. 

This cracks me up because what is more horrendous then the ending of this is the creepy misogynistic tones of the whole thing. Like sorry sir, your daughter is ugly as fuck and you are an ass hole. That is all I have to say here. 

This is my favorite thing ever! This is a Michigan thing. But I cannot get over this. Ok, Richard is blind, but do you think someone could steer his face toward the camera at least once? I am not going to say anything else here because it's going to get rude. Please enjoy, and please please leave comments. 

I love you! ----- <3R

Bad Tattoos 2

     Yes, I have booked my appointment to do a sleeve! I'm going in on March 28th. It has been a long time coming and I am terrified. With that said, I figured it was time for this blog. I really enjoyed doing the first one and with that here we go:

Face Tattoos:
Again I do think this is always a bad idea. However I do find Kat Von D very hot.

Just think, what's under the hair?

I actually don't have words

Timmy here was probably arrested for pissing in public.
Thinks he is a badass because him and Lil' Wayne have the same  "Killer" tat. 

Really because I couldn't tell by the knee high Doc Martins,
shaved head and gotee. What an ass hole 

My Strange Addiction: I fucked my chess board

What a world traveler

Pretty sure the only pussy this guy ever ate was at
China best last week

Tribute Tattoos:

Aww someone cares more about Maddox Jolie Pitt then his
mother who has no attention for him anymore because
she has 5000 other kids. Suck on that Angie, MADDOX4LIFE

"Sounds like somebody needs laser surgery."
Santa, all I want for Christmas is this shit off

What she should have done is gotten his eyebrows tattooed on her
not that that would have been a great idea, just better then this one

Where is the umbrella? That added so much to the picture!

People DO realize that he was in many more movies
which made him look more attractive...Right?

He was not

TV Show Tattoos:

Where is Tigg when you need him? This guy is an idiot.
Obviously he doesn't watch the show. 

Awww Glee, looks like these chunkers don't really practice any
of the moves on their beloved show.

Why on the thighs?

Oh yeah here is Scooby, just chillin' on my back

What the fuck is this, the tramp stamp of a 5 year old?

"Now this is a story all about how my life got turned upside down
and Id'e like to take a minute like to just sit right there and
tell you how I became the prince of a website called 'I'm a fucking idiot'."

Gripe

     I know that everyone has that thing that pisses them off. But I am talking about pet peeves that almost any human being would be irritated with. I reached out to some friends their qualms and mine are listed below, please enjoy:

1. "Bad grammar" I know I am not perfect but some people really need some work. 
2.   "Look before you ask." Do not ask me where something is before looking first. Open the refrigerator and look for the giant jug of milk before asking me where the milk is. You have eyes, use them.
   
   
3. "Women who pee on the seat." This is just disgusting and nasty. Get it in the bowl ladies. And if you can't get it in the bowl, wipe up after your damn self.
   
4. "Do not ever tell me that my dog smells or anything negative about her." Daisy is a loving gentile animal. She loves to lay around and do nothing and she loves everyone." She is a hound dog so yes she may smell a little more pungent then other animals, but I do bathe her on a regular basis so shes not a stink-pot. With that being said, do not call me and tell me that I can come over but Daisy cannot, and repeat to me 300 fucking times that she stinks and that she stunk up you're house the last time she was over. You did not have to steam clean your carpets because my precious Daisy was laying on them for a couple hours. Please get a hobby.
   
5. "Do not tell me that I should go to church." I'm not gonna say much here and start some shit, but just don't fucking do it.
   
6. "Bad eating habits" You know who you people are, snapping your gum, chewing with your mouth open and smacking that food all up in your mouth. These things are just foul.
   
7. "Hygiene." Men: brush your teeth daily. Clean hair out of sink after you shave, also use deodorant liberally. Ladies: see number 3.
   
8. "Do not go to Costco with your whole family." There is absolutely no reason for this at all, people are perfectly capable of doing something alone or with one other person. You are not required to bring a pack of people to an already crowded area. Also, "Do not go there just to eat." There are other establishments where one can buy lunch. They're called restaurants.
   
9. "Bluetooth." Get off that fucking ear piece and talk to me like a human, not like I am the one who is interrupting you. You also look like an asshole walking around talking to yourself.
   
10. "Do not ever talk when a movie and or TV is on." You have been watching this just as long as I have. Figure it out and shut the fuck up. Especially when it's not about what is on the TV I do not give two shits that you put gas in your broke ass car today, I'm watching a mother fucking movie!
    
    
11. "Adult women who wear braided pigtails." You are in Stamford, Ct do you see any farms around here? No there are not. And if you wear those high ones like one of those Japanese anime characters you've got a fucking problem. You're not a cartoon with a creepy open mouth, and you're not a porn star, playing Rudolf while Santa drills you out and holds onto your reigns. Get over it you're not 5 anymore.

     I'm sure I can think of more however the more I think of my peeves, the more I realize they are with specific people. And trying not to be a big twat about things, I rest my list here! 

Enjoy---- R

Men and the 7 Deadly Sins

     After talking to some of my friends this week and kind of discussing what our significant others have "issues" with I have come up with that, their problems really parallel the 7 deadly sins. Of course all of you know I am not a religious person; however I do think that there are some things that the Churches got right. I take that back, I don't know of it was something that they really hit the nail on the head with or, if it was just easier for them to explain away if they put in religious texts and said you would go to hell for doing such things.

The 7 deadly sins are:

1.    Lust

2.    Gluttony

3.    Greed

4.    Sloth

5.    Wrath

6.    Envy

7.    Pride

     I think that there are so many men out there who don’t even know that they are doing these things. Now guys, don’t get all in a wad about this, I am sure I will also pick on women with this in the future. Without further ado here are how I see men and the 7. 

1.   Lust

Definition: Lust or lechery (carnal "luxuria") is usually thought of as excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature.

My Definition: Do not fuck around on your woman, period. I don’t give a shit what the excuse is. Do not do it. There is no reason to lust after someone else if you are married or in a relationship. Yes, I may lust after Channing Tatum or Tommy Lee on occasion, but in reality they don’t even know who the hell I am. Also, a woman who knowingly involves themselves with a man who is in a committed relationship is not really a woman, and he is not really a man.

2.   Gluttony

Definition:  meaning to gulp down or swallow, gluttony (Latin, gula) is the over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste.

My Definition: Do not stuff yourself to the point that you need to lay down for a couple hours. Just pace yourself for Christ sake. Taco Bell will be there tomorrow. You do not need to eat like it is the last fucking bean burrito on earth. I think what bothers me most about this is that Chris eats like that every time he eats anything. If we have burgers I take about 3 bites and he’s already done. Last night I was in the bathroom and saw that someone did not replace the toilet paper, so I asked Chris to come in and hand me a roll. As he walked into the bathroom he had one of those Little Debbie oatmeal cookie pies hanging out of his mouth. So in a minute I came out of the bathroom only to find him in the kitchen still eating the at most 2” round cookie. So I asked him if that was a second one and he adamantly denied that it was. So I told him that I figured as soon as he left me on the thrown, he probably deep throated what was left of that one while walking down the hallway and then helped himself to another one. After saying that, his face turned quite pale and he started laughing like I caught him with his hand in the jar. Of course I was right and it was his second snack, and he just couldn’t believe that I caught him without being in the room.

3.   Greed

Definition:  Greed (as seen by the church) is applied to a very excessive or rapacious desire and pursuit of wealth, status, and power

My Definition: I’m not going to say much about this but all I can really think of is those cutthroat business type people. No one I have dated really had any money and neither have I so, this one I happily bow out of.

4.   Sloth

Definition: The modern view goes further, regarding laziness and indifference as the sin at the heart of the matter. Since this contrast with a more willful failure to, for example, love God and his works, sloth is often seen as being considerably less serious than the other sins, more a sin of omission than of commission.

My Definition: Fucking lazy people. I hate lazy people more than anything. I understand being lazy occasionally, like lazy days on the couch. What I don’t get are people who are just naturally potatoes. I have also found that the more you ask a lazy person to do something the meaner they become. If Chris is feeling lazy and I ask him to do something, you would think that I was asking him to go run 30 miles. First you get tuned out, then it’s, “UGH yeah I will do it in a minute”, followed by, “yeah I heard you the first 30 God damned times”, then stomping off like a child, and finally wanting me to be so thankful. For instance he would like to hear, “Baby thank you so much, next time I will just get it myself I know you had a hard day.” When in reality I have no problem saying how I really feel in the most passive aggressive way, “ohhhhh my God, thank you so much for putting down the PS3 remote and getting your fucking ass off the couch for two fucking minutes to get something for me since I have my hands full making your dinner. And don’t worry babe, when we fool around later I’ll get on top the whole time.” Please.

5.   Wrath

Definition: Wrath (Latin, ira), also known as "rage", may be described as inordinate and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger

My Definition: As we speak Chris is screaming and yelling at the TV because he cannot get his PS3 player to do what he wants. Like who cares. To me it is a little funny because he kind of looks like a 5 year old who can’t pass a level in Tiny Toon Adventures (shout out Allison Rockwell). He also last night couldn’t get his cell phone to work so he punched it. Well about an hour after that I saw that he had a cut on his hand and I asked him what it was from. Without getting a response, I asked, “Did the phone fight back?”  He did not think this was funny, but I did get a good laugh at it. I can tell the moment he is about to lose it because that vein on his temple starts to pulse and looks like it’s about to burst.

6.    Envy
Definition: First, greed is largely associated with material goods, whereas envy may apply more generally.
Second, those who commit the sin of envy not only resent that another person has something they perceive themselves as lacking, but also wish the other person to be deprived of it.
My Definition: I always see this as like a dick sizing contest. I mean, who has the nicer truck? Does it have nice flashy lights on it? Does it have huge blaring sirens on it? I mean really at the end of the day who really cares? There is no bigger turn off then a guy that thinks I give a shit what kind of car he drives.  

7.   Pride

Definition: In almost every list, pride (Latin, superbia), or hubris, is considered the original and most serious of the seven deadly sins, and the source of the others. It is identified as a desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to acknowledge the good work of others, and excessive love of self (especially holding self out of proper position toward God).

My Definition: How about have some fucking pride for yourself. Maybe brushing your teeth once a day is a good idea! Pants are a good thing to wear on a daily basis. Deodorant is a beautiful and wonderful thing that was invented, and so were showers and razors. Clean your damn self-up. Looking like a homeless person is gross. Greasy hair is gross. It is not my job to ask you on a daily basis if you have showered or done any of the above. It was your mother’s job when you were 5. I love the excuse that they were busy. No you were not. You were playing video games and lost track of time somehow. Do you need me to make you a supernanny hygiene chart? Chris said to me last night, “You’ll be so proud of me; I cleaned my ears out today.” I just sat there stunned, like wow, congrats, I do that twice a day (anal I know) But really how excited can I really be that he performed an act of cleanliness upon himself that should be done every day? So, I just smiled and said good for you baby.

     I’m sure many of you understand all of this, yet we put up with it on a daily basis… I don’t get it myself.

Love all of you ---R