Friday, March 29, 2013

Nicolas Sparks a Soul Rapist

     As one of the moderately self conscious females of this earth, I find myself so happy when the latest Nicolas Sparks book comes out. Then I read it, and become borderline suicidal. That sick son of a bitch is a masochist. He must sit and laugh at all of us hormonally charged fake blonds running to the store just to be soul fucked. These are the things I have learned from NS books. And coming from the sucker that has read all of these books, you are welcome!
  • The Best of Me: Teenage love never dies, however one of you will before the other, only to leave you feeling guilty as shit for the rest of their lives.
  • Safe Haven: Ghosts are tricky and double identities are stupid. Running away from problems solves nothing.
  • The Lucky One: This man obviously has never used Google earth. He could have found that girl in 2 minutes. This is the definition of a man who can't ask for help.
  • The Choice: Always keep someone on a breathing tube longer then you thought!
  • Dear John: Marrying or 50 year old dying neighbor is disgusting...But he does have a giant house and horses. Just fake it till he dies.
  • At First Sight: Don't have babies.
  • The Wedding: Your kids will still grow up and lie to you. Your husband will be a dick for 25+ years and then scramble to fix shit. Noah Calhoun can still make me cry.
  • The Guardian: I want a great dane. It also taught me however that if someone even pointed a spoon at my Daisy, let alone a weapon, I would rip out their god damned throat. Again running away from your problems doesn't work.
  • A Bend in the Road: Do not ever under any circumstances trust your children's teacher.
  • A Walk to Remember: This is going to sound rude...That was a lot of work to get that girl to put out, then she kicks it. Also if a girls dad is a dick to you for no reason, walk away. Daddy's girls have head problems.
  • The Notebook: Here we go where to start. This book has eternally fucked all of us! Sorry men. Writing love letters is HOT. Reading 365 of them at once...Not so much. It's also an acceptable profession to work with wood in a barn. There is no reason to go to college!! Always buy a fixer upper, some girl some where will get all wet over it. The one thing that the Notebook taught me that I have never ever learned before was..... Drum roll please... MARRIED PEOPLE CAN ACTUALLY MAKE IT TO THEIR DEATH YEARS AND NOT HAVE ALREADY KILLED ONE ANOTHER!! I mean it's amazing people actually stay married... for love. Then you still haven't stolen enough of their soul, you have to will yourselves to die together...I think that's a felony.
     General Thoughts:
  • All of these sweet, sensitive, honest, trustworthy, loyal, shirtless, sweaty, toned men live in North Carolina near the beach...and maybe one or two in West Virginia (ohhhh wait that's a personal observation) No they do not! I lived with in 1 hour of New Bern and all I ever saw driving through there was broken down trucks and old violated mattresses out in the yards. Daisy came from New Bern, and I am convinced that she loves me so much because I took her off that farm where her ass hole was in constant terror. All the men I had seen down there were horny, drunk and totally lovable Marines. However if any of them approached a NS book fan they would have gotten snubbed fast...I may have been the exception there...

Again I love you all. -R

Friday, March 22, 2013

Ahh Hello No!

     Ahh my new life as a newly single bartender has given me much inspiration for this! I have to say for the first time in a long time I am very happy. After losing quite a bit of weight and some inner self searching, I look hot, I feel hot and I am just being me. I am very excited for my new life and I figured since I am smiling, you should smile.
     I as much as the next girl love to be told how beautiful, hot,attractive I am, as many times as possible. My inner self of course says, "I know" or "Thanks divorce". However on the outside I still react like a little bitch, blush a little and shrug it off like they're being nice and swiftly walk away.
    There are always statements though that are said that only have one response. NO. Not something like, do you want a sandwich? There are times when all I can do is come up with something quick and witty. However there are times when my inner ghetto princess comes out and this is how I react...

Here are some of those times. Insert AHHHHH HELL NO after these statements.
  1. I'm 41 and you're 26. What would you say if I asked you to go to a hockey game with me?...
  2. Want to go see a Nicki Minaj concert?...
  3. Do you want to meet my mother?...
  4. Do you think you will ever want to have more kids?...
  5. Is there anything I can do to change your mind?...
  6. Do you want to go up North with me for the weekend and go snow mobing?...
  7. Do you want to go camping with me alone?...
  8. Do you want to snuggle?...
  9. Can I get you jewelry?...
  10. I'm a pipe liner, want to see the pipe?...
  11. Why don't you do all the work tonight?...
  12. Do you think you should be eating that?...
  13. Want to be my next ex wife?...
  14. Why do you love that dog so much?...
  15. Can you stand next to me and make me look good?...
  16. Are those real?... (Yeah I implanted these 34Cs... really dude!
  17. Lets watch Duck Dynasty...
  18. Why do you and your cousin talk to each other like puppies?...
  19. Don't you want to wear something a little longer or maybe not black?...
  20. Are you sure you want to have that last drink?..
     Also there are several things that when in a relationship or in many cases casual hook ups that people say to test the waters and see what boundaries can be pushed in an experience. Here are some that deserve the above response:
  1. Do you like it in the...?...
  2. Can you bite my nipples?...
  3. Say my name...BITCH...
  4. Want to bring some food into the mix?...
  5. Can I stick my thumb....?
     I hope you all enjoyed! <3 always R

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Conversations with Megan Fox and Brain Austin Green

     So I am sitting here having a lazy day before work watching Fashion Police. Then the thought came to mind, that when Joan Rivers dies, I should take her job. I really could care less about what people wear, I just want to opportunity to speak as freely as she does and not get yelled at for it. Originally I was going to do my thoughts on many celebrities today, but I started writing about these two and I literally could not stop. This may become a regular thing.

Brian Austin Green- I have loved your washed up beautiful face since I was 5 and you were 20. Then you married someone my age. Strike one. Then you hit my funny button when you started acting on Smallville, which I hate! Where have all the David Greens gone?! Strike 2. You're final fuck up with me is that you are now on a TBS show about a wedding band... You're out! Your wife, who is my age, is the hottest woman in the world. At least have some dignity and be a stay at home dad. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that the man who married Donna Martin aka Tori Spelling, is now literally married to MeganFox. I mean I totally understand dating someone who is slightly beneath you, story of much of my life, but TBS?!?! Really!
What the hell is the matter with her? I get it because I grew up watching him on TV too and I loved him, however I don't know what they would ever talk about. Here is what I imagine goes on in that house.


Take 1
 M-"Hey B how was your day on set? Cover any bad David Bowie songs?"
 B-"It was great, me and the crew did a sweet rendition of YMCA. I think we actually might make this a thing like in our off time. Maybe we can use the garage."
M- "That's great sweetie. Rachel Zoe and I went to lunch and discussed what I was going to wear to the Globes. It was great. Are you going to be able to make it to this red carpet event?"
B- "Beautiful, You know I hate those things, they're so 1992."



Take 2

B- "Hey hunncan I use your credit card, mine seems to be acting up?"
M- "Of course my sugar loaf, but I did tell you before you can just be on my account if you want. Waiting for your syndication checks from Soap Net can really suck."
B- "Why do you always have to be so condescending about them?! They come in from WB, I mean CW on the first and Soap Net on the 15th. I have them staggered for a reason! God I hate asking you for this shit!"


Take 3

M- "Brian, why are you so afraid to take off your shirt in front of me/"
B- "We've gone over this. I have a little bit of a complex. You know, Vanessa, my stunning ex wife, used to be on General Hospital with those guys. That Steve Burton was so firm and I was David Green, the kid from 90210 with the Vanilla Ice Jew do. I can't stop thinking that I still look like that."
M- "Awwww Daddy, you do still look like that. And that's why I love you so much. You know I had posters of you in my bedroom when I was little."
B- "You always know how to make me feel like a real man. So who do you want to be tonight Donna with the red wig or Valerie with the brown wig?"
M- "ohhhh tough choice Mr. Silverman but I think tonight, let me go Kelly Taylor. It's kind of hot she was your step-sister."



I do love you David, I mean Brian and I always will,
             <3 -R