Thursday, August 25, 2011

10 Stupid Things

Weddings: When a woman says that she has dreamed of this day for her whole life, I like to call bullshit. I know that the dress, the idea and all that maybe dreamed up. But, I doubt that Mr. Dreamy looks like or acts like your future ball and chain. I love my husband I really do, but I never ever wanted to be married EVER! I just happened to find someone who was exactly like me with a penis! And apparently steel sperm. I never dreamed of a fantasy wedding, or flowers and cake. I think that the idea of marriage and a wedding is what most people want, not what I see (a gaudy pony show). I do feel however that many of my friends have had beautiful weddings, but they did not turn into crazy bridezillas. Also, when someone says, "I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you", that scares me. To the core. To someone like me that sounds like I'm not going to be able to fucking brush my teeth with out you. It's so very final, like the last breath you know is 5 minutes away and counting....
Use the force! To prevent divorce!

Designer Purses: I love a Lucky Brand bag like everyone else, but why do women love them so much. I think that a plastic walmart bag will carry my Xanex, makeup and tampons just fine. There is no reason why brands like Coach, Prada and Louis Vittoun (spelling?) are such enterprises. Spending hundreds of dollars on a purse that screams a self proclaimed social status is fucking stupid. You're friends know you're broke, and you can't pay your car insurance because you felt the need to buy a 6 inch lime green purse for 400$. Please

Was this used in Mandy Moore's Candy video?
Sex Toy Parties: These parties make me completely uncomfortable. I think that the tools one uses to get off should be private. Some people are more adventurous then others and to be honest I have some friends that I would rather not imagine using some of those god awful things, let alone some of their spouses. I also feel that some of these toys are dangerous. Can you imagine falling out of a sex swing backwards?! You could snap you fucking neck or break your back.

This is obscene... If I wanted to fuck a "pig" I would be looking for Gary from Teen mom 

Flowers: This is a personal choice of mine, I do not like to receive flowers as a gift. I feel that it means you don't know me enough to know that I would rather have almost anything else, like a target gift card, a box of wine or a puppy I don't need. But flowers I can find anywhere, like on the side of the road, a field or my neighbors garden. Also, buying flowers for someone because you're thinking of them I can understand, but to buy someone flowers to say sorry, no no no. Why do flowers make everything better, how about, put that fucking money back in my checking account, stop fucking my sister or I'll cut your dick off or call me a cunt in front of your friends one more time I'll make sure you don't see another cunt for 10-15 because I stole your dope outta your drawer. I mean thinks like that make me feel better not, here are some sunshiney flowers that smell nice so you forget about my face smelling like my trainers taint.

Sorry baby, didn't mean to butt fuck yo mamma
Expensive Makeup: There is no reason to buy expensive beauty products. I don't know why people do not realize this. What people also don't realize that no matter how much MAC you pile on your face you will not look like Carmen Electra. Well except this classic beauty....

"I look like Lady Gaga!!!"

Tag Sales: Nothing says a bad idea like bringing someone elses crap to your house. This is how people get bed bugs and all kinds of other crap. Buying other peoples plates and glasses really fucking grosses me out too. Also the negotiating process, really why are you asking to get a better deal on something that was used?

This says "I have a shit ton of crap that would look better in you're living room."

Reality TV: I'm not going to say anything about this because I had a whole post about this topic. But I will say I know that people watch this shit to feel better about themselves hands down.

I really hope these two still have a chance at welfare and food stamps

Robert Pattinson: I know many people love him, but he is pale, pasty and greasy. Why is it that women swoon over this? I don't think that there is anything sexy about a man piercing my skin with his teeth. On top of the fact that his eyebrows are horrible!!!

Taking Drunk Pictures: We are all guilty of this, especially me. I always think that I look better drunk than I do sober. I will say it is not a good idea, but I'm sure I'll have a new facebook album next week in which you;ll see me bent over, cross eyed and with purple teeth.

This is basically me after 9pm Monday - Monday
Mixed Drinks: Over priced mixed drinks are just stupid. Why can't people just drink beer? I rather just drink beer, or straight vodka, cheap too. I don't care as long as it gets me there cheap and fast. Also the fact that they have to put a fucking salad into the top of it, like why would you do that, I'm trying to get shithoused fast and you putting food into my system is going to hinder that. I don't care what kind of fruit tree is coming out of my alcohol unless it's going to refill this glass faster than the bartender can.
Tomorrow 10 things men love that are stupid!
Love--- R

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