So I am sitting here eating veggie spring rolls and watching say yes to the dress big bliss, and thinking about things I should have done while I had the chance. I feel like everyone thinks this way from time to time. The way I'm thinking about it though is not in the traditional sense. Sure, I could have a college degree right now and I don't Wahh wahh, whatever. I've never measured success with a piece of paper that cost me 70,000 dollars. Yeah, Chris and I could have had a wedding and nice rings and all that happy shit, but guess what, I rather not see most of the people that should be invited and I'm too lazy to think about it. So in no way in those aspects would I say coulda, woulda, shoulda. But here are the things that I truly feel that I have missed out on in my life:
Joining a Motorcycle Club: I know you all are rolling your eyes right now. But obviously after watching Sons of Anarchy, I feel like What the hell was I thinking?!?!?! I should have done that. I mean really, what part of me screams domesticated? Being out on the road and being free, sounds right up my alley. Who wouldn't want to straddle Jax, Opie and my favorite JUICE! So sexy. Anyway, sorry I had a moment. And Gemma, shit, what a powerhouse. I would love to walk around and know that no one is going to fuck with me. I would also like to have the cops in my pocket. Speeding tickets and licence suspensions are just a hassle that I think should go away just because my husband will fucking kill you. I have a feeling that they get a discount on leather jackets, and I need one! None of them care if they have a collage degree because they have AK's. If someone said to Jax, "um I'm sorry you can't work here because you don't have a degree", They would have 2 in their forehead in about 30 seconds then he would come home and do me... I mean Tara.
Learned How to do Makeup: This is where I have a problem. Apparently the only thing I can do is foundation and eyeliner. If I get my little fingers on a bottle of bronzer, watch out universe I will make you all look like a fucking carrot. I feel like I cannot get tan enough. So, since in the past I have relapsed and gone back to the bed, I felt that the bronzer was the best option. Not in my case. It's kind of like a meth head going to coffee, cigarettes and hydro-drugged-weed, that is not a responsible crutch. So I have stepped away from the bed permanently and resorted to the tinted lotion, it only browns so much, however there is a way to apply it that will accentuate the boobs. Now on to the face. I personally feel that colored eyeshadow makes me look like a tranny. Actually I think that most makeup makes me look like a tranny, its annoying. My cousin Cherrie has the best looking make up always and it's like, trick what is your secret? The question that I can't get past is, "if I got all this makeup on, why do I have to put jeans on? Why can't I wear yoga pants?" Also, why doesn't your regular face look like your mirror face. When you do your makeup in a small mirror and you think that you are looking fly, back up look at the whole picture and say, "Where the fuck did my make up go?" Ugh it is pointless.
Be Famous: This is something I think I would be good at. I can't act, I can't sing and I don't dance. So I can either be similar to Kim K (Minus the black male with the crooked dick), Paris Hilton (add 10 lbs and take away the extensions) or Coco, don't add or take away anything. Unfortunately I don't have a famous parent to give me a boost and I don't think I would ever spread my legs or repeatedly tear my Bhole for a living. No way. I would also like people to do my hair and makeup for me and also bring my mail to the post office and go grocery shopping. So I think that I would actually not like to be famous as much as I would like a personal assistant. Why does someone who likes to take it up the ass get famous? I mean really when actual real people do that they're not in a diner doing 5 at a time saying "would you like to stick your sausage into my pancake" Gross. If I ever said something like that to Chris, he would laugh hysterically, walk outside and never touch me again. Like why are you thinking of diner food and calling my dick a sausage when I'm coming at you.
This is the best I had in me today. But now I am watching hoarders and then intervention... I'll have much more tomorrow.
I love you all --R <3