Friday, October 21, 2011

Why I Do Not Like Children

     I have never known what to do around kids who are younger than me. I especially have a hard time with children children. I never know what to say or do when they're around, I feel like I have to entertain them. When you ask them what they want to do and their shoulders just shrug, like I am supposed to be the fun one? I am old and you are supposed to be the imaginative one. My imagination swings as far as vodka or rum. Club soda or juice. I don't give a shit about your PSP or DS. I mean is my dog supposed to entertain you? Because Daisy doesn't give a shit either. She does not fetch nor run. Have fun with that.
     What does one say to a child? You offer food and drink then what? How much children food are you supposed to have in your home at one time? And juice? I keep a limited supply that is mine. I also have a limited supply of food, especially things like Chewy bars or whatever the hell else a kid will eat. It doesn't take too much to sustain my 110lb frame so things such as roll-ups and dino oatmeal are things that will never be in my cabinet. Also, when someone comes to my house I ask them if they want a drink drink, not like water or soda. My options are always beer, wine and vodka. The end. Hopefully your child is teething when they come to my house.
     To further explain my core shaking fear, I feel like I cannot talk like a human in front of them either. I mean I talk to my kid as an adult because otherwise I feel like its insulting to her. I do however respect people who choose to shield their child from people like me. But I don't feel like it is appropriate for me to talk like a child, I am not a child anymore so I'm not going to ask your kid, "Do need some more juicy juice, you little snuggle muffin face?" No thanks. I rather not. When I ask you a question, I expect an answer. What do you want to watch on tv? (shoulder shrug) ANSWER ME!! For the love of god. What channel? Do not tell me a number. Channel numbers change regionally. Everyone knows that.
     And what is it with people who let their kids suck on a pacifier till they're 12? That kid is going to grow up and want to suck the nipples off all of his girlfriends. Or behead them and eat their body parts. I have no time for ineffective parents. Breast feeding is a horrible idea as well. Everyone says that this is a good thing for the baby...false. That kids now has an unhealthy attachment to his mother. They will be overly needy and clingy to anyone who even smells like their mother. And lets just say that the mother complex is not a fun thing. ( I am not talking about Chris, just to clarify.) Cut the cord people! Also don't threaten your kids. I don't want to hear you say, "Do you want me to tell your dad what you're doing?" Shut the fuck up and deal with your kid. You spread your legs and dropped it off, deal with the big boy part of this, because I can't listen to that kid anymore!

Thanks for letting me vent to you all
I love you -R


  1. And if you do threaten your kids, FOLLOW THROUGH!! Don't say, "I'm going to count to five and then you're going to your room", count to five and then say"Did you hear me?" Just send the kid to their room. What lesson are you teaching them? That there are no consequences?

  2. And no negotiating with them either, that makes me ballistic, YOU'RE the adult!