Thursday, October 20, 2011

Shoot To Kill

     So this is something that I am not pleased about to say the least. Hillbilly's and guns do not mix. On another note there are times when something like this makes me think what the hell was running through that rednecks mind when he told all of his deputies to shoot 48 rare animals dead. So last night I had a few, as usual, and put on my backwoods mind cap and came up with this. Something is going to get lost in the translation of this so I am going to try to sound out some words where I feel they need to be accentuated. Here is the Link to what actually happened:
And with that I'll leave you to Captain Dipshitz report on what happened. Get your inner southern accent out people, you're going to need it.

     My name is Officer Dipshitz, and I am here to attest to what occurred in the woods on Tuesday of this week. I got a call on my CB UHradio and I was told that there was a animal disturbance out on Muskingum Farm. So I loaded my shotgun and headed out there. When I came to the scene, I saw that the owner had shot his head clean off. I mean why in gods creation would he shoot his face off. How is his momma gonna give him a proper burial with no face. I heard that when someone has no face they have to be cremated, and cremation is a sin. Jesus does not like burned up bodies. As I pulled up onto the farm, I saw many animals like big cats and monkeys and stuff, all prancin' around free like. I never saw so many animals runnin' around like that before. I called for backup and when they finished their breakfast and paid Jimmy the diner man they rushed right up here and asked me what to do. I told Loyd and Fred, SHOOT TO KILL, I REPEAT SHOOT TO KILL. We then all stealthy like swept the land and shot those deadly fuckers so that they wouldn't hurt any of our society. I mean could you imagine a tiger getting loose on Main Street?! Jimmy would have a stone cold fit. We would be getting all sorts of calls. I think in all we shot 200 animals. Our town is safe. There was one monkey that we have not found. I'm going to go on record and say that one of those devil cats ate it.
     I am getting all sorts of bad publicity from this. People are sayin' I was wrong to shoot the animals. But I'ma turn it right back on those people and say, "Hey, what if it was your town huh? Would you want the local zoo runnin', shittin' on your street?" I think that that would agree with me, Officer Dipshitz. I mean when I killed those animals I was in uhrage, and I could not control myself. It was like the good Jesus opened huntin' season early. Some of the animals were taken to the zoo and I don't think that that is a god idea at all. Those heathens are gonna kill a zoo worker. It happens everyday. Look at that tiger man in that Las Vegas, he was that cats best friend, against his better judgement, and that animal, that Satan's creature almost killed him. Because he trusted it. Shame on him. I don't even let my dog in the house. Duke Sleeps on the porch.
     I will always stand by my decision and say that those animals were on the move and that they were aggressive. And even if that monkey is alive he has herpes. I don't know where he got it and I am not prepared to say if the owner of the farm was mOlesting his monkey, but one can only speculate. He was not a nice man. And obviously not a good Christian. He blew his own face off.
     Well I got to get goin' there is a monkey on the loose with herpes and I'm gonna get it, he's mine. After this I will have no further comments. Thank you to our troops for protecting the great USA and thanks to us this town is safe from infected animals. I will leave you with a picture of all of Satan's creatures, that's me in the black.

A slew of dead animals are seen on Terry Thompson's property: Ohio law enforcement officials killed 49 of the 56 wild animals that Thompson freed from his 73-acre ranch before killing himself.

Thank you for letting me be a complete idiot on a regualr basis, if there is anyone you guys would like me to speak for please let me know. I had a lot of fun with this and I hope to do it again.
Love always ---R


  1. mOlesting, I love it. Just how I would have read it. Ha!

  2. Totally giggling & the fact I TOTALLY subconsciously read it with a "twang"!