Friday, March 29, 2013

Nicolas Sparks a Soul Rapist

     As one of the moderately self conscious females of this earth, I find myself so happy when the latest Nicolas Sparks book comes out. Then I read it, and become borderline suicidal. That sick son of a bitch is a masochist. He must sit and laugh at all of us hormonally charged fake blonds running to the store just to be soul fucked. These are the things I have learned from NS books. And coming from the sucker that has read all of these books, you are welcome!
  • The Best of Me: Teenage love never dies, however one of you will before the other, only to leave you feeling guilty as shit for the rest of their lives.
  • Safe Haven: Ghosts are tricky and double identities are stupid. Running away from problems solves nothing.
  • The Lucky One: This man obviously has never used Google earth. He could have found that girl in 2 minutes. This is the definition of a man who can't ask for help.
  • The Choice: Always keep someone on a breathing tube longer then you thought!
  • Dear John: Marrying or 50 year old dying neighbor is disgusting...But he does have a giant house and horses. Just fake it till he dies.
  • At First Sight: Don't have babies.
  • The Wedding: Your kids will still grow up and lie to you. Your husband will be a dick for 25+ years and then scramble to fix shit. Noah Calhoun can still make me cry.
  • The Guardian: I want a great dane. It also taught me however that if someone even pointed a spoon at my Daisy, let alone a weapon, I would rip out their god damned throat. Again running away from your problems doesn't work.
  • A Bend in the Road: Do not ever under any circumstances trust your children's teacher.
  • A Walk to Remember: This is going to sound rude...That was a lot of work to get that girl to put out, then she kicks it. Also if a girls dad is a dick to you for no reason, walk away. Daddy's girls have head problems.
  • The Notebook: Here we go where to start. This book has eternally fucked all of us! Sorry men. Writing love letters is HOT. Reading 365 of them at once...Not so much. It's also an acceptable profession to work with wood in a barn. There is no reason to go to college!! Always buy a fixer upper, some girl some where will get all wet over it. The one thing that the Notebook taught me that I have never ever learned before was..... Drum roll please... MARRIED PEOPLE CAN ACTUALLY MAKE IT TO THEIR DEATH YEARS AND NOT HAVE ALREADY KILLED ONE ANOTHER!! I mean it's amazing people actually stay married... for love. Then you still haven't stolen enough of their soul, you have to will yourselves to die together...I think that's a felony.
     General Thoughts:
  • All of these sweet, sensitive, honest, trustworthy, loyal, shirtless, sweaty, toned men live in North Carolina near the beach...and maybe one or two in West Virginia (ohhhh wait that's a personal observation) No they do not! I lived with in 1 hour of New Bern and all I ever saw driving through there was broken down trucks and old violated mattresses out in the yards. Daisy came from New Bern, and I am convinced that she loves me so much because I took her off that farm where her ass hole was in constant terror. All the men I had seen down there were horny, drunk and totally lovable Marines. However if any of them approached a NS book fan they would have gotten snubbed fast...I may have been the exception there...

Again I love you all. -R

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