The Duggars

Bad Drivers

Commercials

     There are few things that I love to do. I love to love, I love to cook and I love to drink. That sounds simple however there is one thing that I love above all, bad commercials. I love them because who goes to a plastic surgeons office when they're having a 2 for 1 special? What a waste of money! They also really make make you look like an ass hole. Also, they differ regionally as well. When Chris and I lived in NC they were almost all homemade family style commercials. Up here in MI it's a whole different ball game. Here are some of my favorites:

Ok, this is just fucking gross. I don't give a shit what is going on in your vagina. Never in my life have I felt like there was a porcupine in between my legs, or that kind of smell. Gross gross gross. I mean I will admit from time to time I have slacked off on shaving my legs, but I have always taken care of my feminine area. As men have their 3 S's that they have (shit, shower and shave), I also have my 3 S's when it comes to that "area" of my life. Shower, soap and shave. That way I will never need any of these products. Maybe there are more people who should adopt this philosophy. Also, I would like to add that there is a product out there called the vagisil screening kit. I think that this is obscene. If you're going to pay 35 dollars to see if you have some kind of issue down there, you might as well just go to the doctor who can 100% give you a diagnosis. And if you think you have a yeast infection treat it, if it doesn't go away, go to the doctor. Do not spend extra money trying to self diagnose. This is not a DIY project. 

This cracks me up because what is more horrendous then the ending of this is the creepy misogynistic tones of the whole thing. Like sorry sir, your daughter is ugly as fuck and you are an ass hole. That is all I have to say here. 

This is my favorite thing ever! This is a Michigan thing. But I cannot get over this. Ok, Richard is blind, but do you think someone could steer his face toward the camera at least once? I am not going to say anything else here because it's going to get rude. Please enjoy, and please please leave comments. 

I love you! ----- <3R

Bad Tattoos 2

     Yes, I have booked my appointment to do a sleeve! I'm going in on March 28th. It has been a long time coming and I am terrified. With that said, I figured it was time for this blog. I really enjoyed doing the first one and with that here we go:

Face Tattoos:
Again I do think this is always a bad idea. However I do find Kat Von D very hot.

Just think, what's under the hair?

I actually don't have words

Timmy here was probably arrested for pissing in public.
Thinks he is a badass because him and Lil' Wayne have the same  "Killer" tat. 

Really because I couldn't tell by the knee high Doc Martins,
shaved head and gotee. What an ass hole 

My Strange Addiction: I fucked my chess board

What a world traveler

Pretty sure the only pussy this guy ever ate was at
China best last week

Tribute Tattoos:

Aww someone cares more about Maddox Jolie Pitt then his
mother who has no attention for him anymore because
she has 5000 other kids. Suck on that Angie, MADDOX4LIFE

"Sounds like somebody needs laser surgery."
Santa, all I want for Christmas is this shit off

What she should have done is gotten his eyebrows tattooed on her
not that that would have been a great idea, just better then this one

Where is the umbrella? That added so much to the picture!

People DO realize that he was in many more movies
which made him look more attractive...Right?

He was not

TV Show Tattoos:

Where is Tigg when you need him? This guy is an idiot.
Obviously he doesn't watch the show. 

Awww Glee, looks like these chunkers don't really practice any
of the moves on their beloved show.

Why on the thighs?

Oh yeah here is Scooby, just chillin' on my back

What the fuck is this, the tramp stamp of a 5 year old?

"Now this is a story all about how my life got turned upside down
and Id'e like to take a minute like to just sit right there and
tell you how I became the prince of a website called 'I'm a fucking idiot'."

Gripe

     I know that everyone has that thing that pisses them off. But I am talking about pet peeves that almost any human being would be irritated with. I reached out to some friends their qualms and mine are listed below, please enjoy:

1. "Bad grammar" I know I am not perfect but some people really need some work. 
2.   "Look before you ask." Do not ask me where something is before looking first. Open the refrigerator and look for the giant jug of milk before asking me where the milk is. You have eyes, use them.
   
   
3. "Women who pee on the seat." This is just disgusting and nasty. Get it in the bowl ladies. And if you can't get it in the bowl, wipe up after your damn self.
   
4. "Do not ever tell me that my dog smells or anything negative about her." Daisy is a loving gentile animal. She loves to lay around and do nothing and she loves everyone." She is a hound dog so yes she may smell a little more pungent then other animals, but I do bathe her on a regular basis so shes not a stink-pot. With that being said, do not call me and tell me that I can come over but Daisy cannot, and repeat to me 300 fucking times that she stinks and that she stunk up you're house the last time she was over. You did not have to steam clean your carpets because my precious Daisy was laying on them for a couple hours. Please get a hobby.
   
5. "Do not tell me that I should go to church." I'm not gonna say much here and start some shit, but just don't fucking do it.
   
6. "Bad eating habits" You know who you people are, snapping your gum, chewing with your mouth open and smacking that food all up in your mouth. These things are just foul.
   
7. "Hygiene." Men: brush your teeth daily. Clean hair out of sink after you shave, also use deodorant liberally. Ladies: see number 3.
   
8. "Do not go to Costco with your whole family." There is absolutely no reason for this at all, people are perfectly capable of doing something alone or with one other person. You are not required to bring a pack of people to an already crowded area. Also, "Do not go there just to eat." There are other establishments where one can buy lunch. They're called restaurants.
   
9. "Bluetooth." Get off that fucking ear piece and talk to me like a human, not like I am the one who is interrupting you. You also look like an asshole walking around talking to yourself.
   
10. "Do not ever talk when a movie and or TV is on." You have been watching this just as long as I have. Figure it out and shut the fuck up. Especially when it's not about what is on the TV I do not give two shits that you put gas in your broke ass car today, I'm watching a mother fucking movie!
    
    
11. "Adult women who wear braided pigtails." You are in Stamford, Ct do you see any farms around here? No there are not. And if you wear those high ones like one of those Japanese anime characters you've got a fucking problem. You're not a cartoon with a creepy open mouth, and you're not a porn star, playing Rudolf while Santa drills you out and holds onto your reigns. Get over it you're not 5 anymore.

     I'm sure I can think of more however the more I think of my peeves, the more I realize they are with specific people. And trying not to be a big twat about things, I rest my list here! 

Enjoy---- R

Men and the 7 Deadly Sins

     After talking to some of my friends this week and kind of discussing what our significant others have "issues" with I have come up with that, their problems really parallel the 7 deadly sins. Of course all of you know I am not a religious person; however I do think that there are some things that the Churches got right. I take that back, I don't know of it was something that they really hit the nail on the head with or, if it was just easier for them to explain away if they put in religious texts and said you would go to hell for doing such things.

The 7 deadly sins are:

1.    Lust

2.    Gluttony

3.    Greed

4.    Sloth

5.    Wrath

6.    Envy

7.    Pride

     I think that there are so many men out there who don’t even know that they are doing these things. Now guys, don’t get all in a wad about this, I am sure I will also pick on women with this in the future. Without further ado here are how I see men and the 7. 

1.   Lust

Definition: Lust or lechery (carnal "luxuria") is usually thought of as excessive thoughts or desires of a sexual nature.

My Definition: Do not fuck around on your woman, period. I don’t give a shit what the excuse is. Do not do it. There is no reason to lust after someone else if you are married or in a relationship. Yes, I may lust after Channing Tatum or Tommy Lee on occasion, but in reality they don’t even know who the hell I am. Also, a woman who knowingly involves themselves with a man who is in a committed relationship is not really a woman, and he is not really a man.

2.   Gluttony

Definition:  meaning to gulp down or swallow, gluttony (Latin, gula) is the over-indulgence and over-consumption of anything to the point of waste.

My Definition: Do not stuff yourself to the point that you need to lay down for a couple hours. Just pace yourself for Christ sake. Taco Bell will be there tomorrow. You do not need to eat like it is the last fucking bean burrito on earth. I think what bothers me most about this is that Chris eats like that every time he eats anything. If we have burgers I take about 3 bites and he’s already done. Last night I was in the bathroom and saw that someone did not replace the toilet paper, so I asked Chris to come in and hand me a roll. As he walked into the bathroom he had one of those Little Debbie oatmeal cookie pies hanging out of his mouth. So in a minute I came out of the bathroom only to find him in the kitchen still eating the at most 2” round cookie. So I asked him if that was a second one and he adamantly denied that it was. So I told him that I figured as soon as he left me on the thrown, he probably deep throated what was left of that one while walking down the hallway and then helped himself to another one. After saying that, his face turned quite pale and he started laughing like I caught him with his hand in the jar. Of course I was right and it was his second snack, and he just couldn’t believe that I caught him without being in the room.

3.   Greed

Definition:  Greed (as seen by the church) is applied to a very excessive or rapacious desire and pursuit of wealth, status, and power

My Definition: I’m not going to say much about this but all I can really think of is those cutthroat business type people. No one I have dated really had any money and neither have I so, this one I happily bow out of.

4.   Sloth

Definition: The modern view goes further, regarding laziness and indifference as the sin at the heart of the matter. Since this contrast with a more willful failure to, for example, love God and his works, sloth is often seen as being considerably less serious than the other sins, more a sin of omission than of commission.

My Definition: Fucking lazy people. I hate lazy people more than anything. I understand being lazy occasionally, like lazy days on the couch. What I don’t get are people who are just naturally potatoes. I have also found that the more you ask a lazy person to do something the meaner they become. If Chris is feeling lazy and I ask him to do something, you would think that I was asking him to go run 30 miles. First you get tuned out, then it’s, “UGH yeah I will do it in a minute”, followed by, “yeah I heard you the first 30 God damned times”, then stomping off like a child, and finally wanting me to be so thankful. For instance he would like to hear, “Baby thank you so much, next time I will just get it myself I know you had a hard day.” When in reality I have no problem saying how I really feel in the most passive aggressive way, “ohhhhh my God, thank you so much for putting down the PS3 remote and getting your fucking ass off the couch for two fucking minutes to get something for me since I have my hands full making your dinner. And don’t worry babe, when we fool around later I’ll get on top the whole time.” Please.

5.   Wrath

Definition: Wrath (Latin, ira), also known as "rage", may be described as inordinate and uncontrolled feelings of hatred and anger

My Definition: As we speak Chris is screaming and yelling at the TV because he cannot get his PS3 player to do what he wants. Like who cares. To me it is a little funny because he kind of looks like a 5 year old who can’t pass a level in Tiny Toon Adventures (shout out Allison Rockwell). He also last night couldn’t get his cell phone to work so he punched it. Well about an hour after that I saw that he had a cut on his hand and I asked him what it was from. Without getting a response, I asked, “Did the phone fight back?”  He did not think this was funny, but I did get a good laugh at it. I can tell the moment he is about to lose it because that vein on his temple starts to pulse and looks like it’s about to burst.

6.    Envy
Definition: First, greed is largely associated with material goods, whereas envy may apply more generally.
Second, those who commit the sin of envy not only resent that another person has something they perceive themselves as lacking, but also wish the other person to be deprived of it.
My Definition: I always see this as like a dick sizing contest. I mean, who has the nicer truck? Does it have nice flashy lights on it? Does it have huge blaring sirens on it? I mean really at the end of the day who really cares? There is no bigger turn off then a guy that thinks I give a shit what kind of car he drives.  

7.   Pride

Definition: In almost every list, pride (Latin, superbia), or hubris, is considered the original and most serious of the seven deadly sins, and the source of the others. It is identified as a desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to acknowledge the good work of others, and excessive love of self (especially holding self out of proper position toward God).

My Definition: How about have some fucking pride for yourself. Maybe brushing your teeth once a day is a good idea! Pants are a good thing to wear on a daily basis. Deodorant is a beautiful and wonderful thing that was invented, and so were showers and razors. Clean your damn self-up. Looking like a homeless person is gross. Greasy hair is gross. It is not my job to ask you on a daily basis if you have showered or done any of the above. It was your mother’s job when you were 5. I love the excuse that they were busy. No you were not. You were playing video games and lost track of time somehow. Do you need me to make you a supernanny hygiene chart? Chris said to me last night, “You’ll be so proud of me; I cleaned my ears out today.” I just sat there stunned, like wow, congrats, I do that twice a day (anal I know) But really how excited can I really be that he performed an act of cleanliness upon himself that should be done every day? So, I just smiled and said good for you baby.

     I’m sure many of you understand all of this, yet we put up with it on a daily basis… I don’t get it myself.

Love all of you ---R

Shit My Husband Says

     Chris does tend to say some funny things but none more perfectly spoken until he has a drink. I do what I like to call field work, I observe him in his natural habitat and make note of all of it on my blackberry to be used against him later. Here are some of my favorites that I have that the smarts to write down.

• "I just mouth fucked your mouth." - This was in response the virgin diaries on TLC
• "I'm would take that burger to the smush room." - Watching Man V Food
• "Oh Santa why don't you just fuck me in that sleigh." - Addressing this http://www.youtube.com/embed/Db4YYKtwv8k
• "Birds can't fly!!!! Faggot!--- I mean swim, birds can't swim." - When Chris O'Donnell falls in the water at the end of Batman forever
• "I bet Chris O'Donnell has a little fuckin' wanker" - I made the mistake of telling him in 1994 I would have spread 'em for Mr. O'Donnell
• "All I saw out of that commercial was the white man overcome he nigre (that would be hillbilly for nigger) - No you didn't, a white man approached a group of black men and then ran away.. Calm it down Hitler.
• "I don't know what you're freaking out about?!?! They're my balls!!! - This gem came out after I observed him eating a piece of chocolate in left hand and his right hand was clearly in his pants. After I said something he finished candy, took hand off balls, then switched hands....

     It wouldn't be fair if I did not include the two most recent idiotic things to come out of my mouth either so here you go.

• "Well I would be the American. There was always one American and two foreign." - Who I wanted to be in Global Guts!
• "I rather make a doodie on your chest then do that." - I actually don't remember what I was talking about, but this is what usually comes to mind when I do not want to do something...regardless of who I am talking to.

I love you all. I hope you have a happy Christmas weekend and I wish I was home celebrating with you guys!
<3 Always --- R