Bad Tattoos

     Ok people, I've gotten that itch for a tattoo again, so I figure this will help me wait at least a week to make that decision.
     Have any of you ever seen a tattoo sooooo bad you want to actually cut that persons flesh off? I have and its hard not to. For the most part I love all of mine! I think I have somewhere around 20. And I would say that 18 of them are definitely staying. Most of the time if you do your research and take your time getting one you will not be disappointed. I do personally believe getting someones name tattooed on you is a bad idea, I know that first hand. Thank god I covered it up with an appropriate animal and it reminds me never to do that again! There was a girl I know once from Ridgefield, she was a couple years younger than me and she had her boyfriend initials tattooed right on the face of her vagina. CN. Outlined in black and colored in with turquoise. I immediately felt like she was an idiot and that it was a bad bad idea. I mean really. There is no coming back from that .Needless to say they broke up and he went to jail for 10 years for breaking a bottle over some chicks head or something. Oh love, how stupid. Here are some tattoos that I feel should never have been inked. Or at least someone should have shot the inkee before going in the door.

Portraits:
I always think that this is a bad idea. I think that most people don't have an eye for tattooing faces, here are the reasons why:

  I'm pretty sure your dead wife loves this charming memorial

Why adoption is legal, if that was my kid, I wouldn't have picked it up from the maternity ward



 I didn't know LeAnne Rhymes was a negro, she wears white people make up!
Maybe that's why her little brother divorced her!



Your baby looks cute with a odd head in color.
Your baby looks like and old version of Nelson Mandella on your back.


 

That boy is going to leave you for a stripper. You may have loved PFC in boot camp but he's coming back with a deployment check that you will not see... and all the other BRO's on base look like that hunny, find another one.

   

Oddly Placed Tattoos: People put shit in the strangest places...

Hey look, there's a pretty girl with a tattoo, OMG that shark is eating a baby...Move along



Animee is going to die one day... probably before you will.



I have nothing to say about this, other than good luck getting a job



Btw, that's a vagina
Chastity Bono's Old one?





This is foul



I would have hated to be this artist...


    Obsessive tattoos: Logos and such



Oh Mozilla, How I love thee.



I think he loves Brenda... But does Brenda love skin head is the question?



There is a website about people like this



Shes a Barbie Girl! Obvi she and I were the only 2 people who bought the Aqua album



Should have thought differently about getting that tattoo





This is just stupid

Finger Tattoos:

So is your career search



I'm so gangsta. I'm so thug
Asian gangs 4 liiiiifeeee




mmmmm Saucy!



Tattoos of Disgusting Things or in Gross Places: I have no words for these, they are just foul.



Thanks for reading --- R

Why I Do Not Like Children

     I have never known what to do around kids who are younger than me. I especially have a hard time with children children. I never know what to say or do when they're around, I feel like I have to entertain them. When you ask them what they want to do and their shoulders just shrug, like I am supposed to be the fun one? I am old and you are supposed to be the imaginative one. My imagination swings as far as vodka or rum. Club soda or juice. I don't give a shit about your PSP or DS. I mean is my dog supposed to entertain you? Because Daisy doesn't give a shit either. She does not fetch nor run. Have fun with that.
     What does one say to a child? You offer food and drink then what? How much children food are you supposed to have in your home at one time? And juice? I keep a limited supply that is mine. I also have a limited supply of food, especially things like Chewy bars or whatever the hell else a kid will eat. It doesn't take too much to sustain my 110lb frame so things such as roll-ups and dino oatmeal are things that will never be in my cabinet. Also, when someone comes to my house I ask them if they want a drink drink, not like water or soda. My options are always beer, wine and vodka. The end. Hopefully your child is teething when they come to my house.
     To further explain my core shaking fear, I feel like I cannot talk like a human in front of them either. I mean I talk to my kid as an adult because otherwise I feel like its insulting to her. I do however respect people who choose to shield their child from people like me. But I don't feel like it is appropriate for me to talk like a child, I am not a child anymore so I'm not going to ask your kid, "Do need some more juicy juice, you little snuggle muffin face?" No thanks. I rather not. When I ask you a question, I expect an answer. What do you want to watch on tv? (shoulder shrug) ANSWER ME!! For the love of god. What channel? Do not tell me a number. Channel numbers change regionally. Everyone knows that.
     And what is it with people who let their kids suck on a pacifier till they're 12? That kid is going to grow up and want to suck the nipples off all of his girlfriends. Or behead them and eat their body parts. I have no time for ineffective parents. Breast feeding is a horrible idea as well. Everyone says that this is a good thing for the baby...false. That kids now has an unhealthy attachment to his mother. They will be overly needy and clingy to anyone who even smells like their mother. And lets just say that the mother complex is not a fun thing. ( I am not talking about Chris, just to clarify.) Cut the cord people! Also don't threaten your kids. I don't want to hear you say, "Do you want me to tell your dad what you're doing?" Shut the fuck up and deal with your kid. You spread your legs and dropped it off, deal with the big boy part of this, because I can't listen to that kid anymore!


Thanks for letting me vent to you all
I love you -R

Shoot To Kill

     So this is something that I am not pleased about to say the least. Hillbilly's and guns do not mix. On another note there are times when something like this makes me think what the hell was running through that rednecks mind when he told all of his deputies to shoot 48 rare animals dead. So last night I had a few, as usual, and put on my backwoods mind cap and came up with this. Something is going to get lost in the translation of this so I am going to try to sound out some words where I feel they need to be accentuated. Here is the Link to what actually happened: http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2011/10/19/police_seek_escaped_exotic_animals_in_ohio/
And with that I'll leave you to Captain Dipshitz report on what happened. Get your inner southern accent out people, you're going to need it.


     My name is Officer Dipshitz, and I am here to attest to what occurred in the woods on Tuesday of this week. I got a call on my CB UHradio and I was told that there was a animal disturbance out on Muskingum Farm. So I loaded my shotgun and headed out there. When I came to the scene, I saw that the owner had shot his head clean off. I mean why in gods creation would he shoot his face off. How is his momma gonna give him a proper burial with no face. I heard that when someone has no face they have to be cremated, and cremation is a sin. Jesus does not like burned up bodies. As I pulled up onto the farm, I saw many animals like big cats and monkeys and stuff, all prancin' around free like. I never saw so many animals runnin' around like that before. I called for backup and when they finished their breakfast and paid Jimmy the diner man they rushed right up here and asked me what to do. I told Loyd and Fred, SHOOT TO KILL, I REPEAT SHOOT TO KILL. We then all stealthy like swept the land and shot those deadly fuckers so that they wouldn't hurt any of our society. I mean could you imagine a tiger getting loose on Main Street?! Jimmy would have a stone cold fit. We would be getting all sorts of calls. I think in all we shot 200 animals. Our town is safe. There was one monkey that we have not found. I'm going to go on record and say that one of those devil cats ate it.
     I am getting all sorts of bad publicity from this. People are sayin' I was wrong to shoot the animals. But I'ma turn it right back on those people and say, "Hey, what if it was your town huh? Would you want the local zoo runnin', shittin' on your street?" I think that that would agree with me, Officer Dipshitz. I mean when I killed those animals I was in uhrage, and I could not control myself. It was like the good Jesus opened huntin' season early. Some of the animals were taken to the zoo and I don't think that that is a god idea at all. Those heathens are gonna kill a zoo worker. It happens everyday. Look at that tiger man in that Las Vegas, he was that cats best friend, against his better judgement, and that animal, that Satan's creature almost killed him. Because he trusted it. Shame on him. I don't even let my dog in the house. Duke Sleeps on the porch.
     I will always stand by my decision and say that those animals were on the move and that they were aggressive. And even if that monkey is alive he has herpes. I don't know where he got it and I am not prepared to say if the owner of the farm was mOlesting his monkey, but one can only speculate. He was not a nice man. And obviously not a good Christian. He blew his own face off.
     Well I got to get goin' there is a monkey on the loose with herpes and I'm gonna get it, he's mine. After this I will have no further comments. Thank you to our troops for protecting the great USA and thanks to us this town is safe from infected animals. I will leave you with a picture of all of Satan's creatures, that's me in the black.

Thank you for letting me be a complete idiot on a regualr basis, if there is anyone you guys would like me to speak for please let me know. I had a lot of fun with this and I hope to do it again.

Love always ---R

Pipedream

     So I am sitting here eating veggie spring rolls and watching say yes to the dress big bliss, and thinking about things I should have done while I had the chance. I feel like everyone thinks this way from time to time. The way I'm thinking about it though is not in the traditional sense. Sure, I could have a college degree right now and I don't Wahh wahh, whatever. I've never measured success with a piece of paper that cost me 70,000 dollars. Yeah, Chris and I could have had a wedding and nice rings and all that happy shit, but guess what, I rather not see most of the people that should be invited and I'm too lazy to think about it. So in no way in those aspects would I say coulda, woulda, shoulda. But here are the things that I truly feel that I have missed out on in my life:

     Joining a Motorcycle Club: I know you all are rolling your eyes right now. But obviously after watching Sons of Anarchy, I feel like What the hell was I thinking?!?!?!  I should have done that. I mean really, what part of me screams domesticated? Being out on the road and being free, sounds right up my alley. Who wouldn't want to straddle Jax, Opie and my favorite JUICE! So sexy. Anyway, sorry I had a moment. And Gemma, shit, what a powerhouse. I would love to walk around and know that no one is going to fuck with me. I would also like to have the cops in my pocket. Speeding tickets and licence suspensions are just a hassle that I think should go away just because my husband will fucking kill you. I have a feeling that they get a discount on leather jackets, and I need one! None of them care if they have a collage degree because they have AK's. If someone said to Jax, "um I'm sorry you can't work here because you don't have a degree", They would have 2 in their forehead in about 30 seconds then he would come home and do me... I mean Tara.

     Learned How to do Makeup: This is where I have a problem. Apparently the only thing I can do is foundation and eyeliner. If I get my little fingers on a bottle of bronzer, watch out universe I will make you all look like a fucking carrot. I feel like I cannot get tan enough. So, since in the past I have relapsed and gone back to the bed, I felt that the bronzer was the best option. Not in my case. It's kind of like a meth head going to coffee, cigarettes and hydro-drugged-weed, that is not a responsible crutch. So I have stepped away from the bed permanently and resorted to the tinted lotion, it only browns so much, however there is a way to apply it that will accentuate the boobs. Now on to the face. I personally feel that colored eyeshadow makes me look like a tranny. Actually I think that most makeup makes me look like a tranny, its annoying. My cousin Cherrie has the best looking make up always and it's like, trick what is your secret? The question that I can't get past is, "if I got all this makeup on, why do I have to put jeans on? Why can't I wear yoga pants?" Also, why doesn't your regular face look like your mirror face. When you do your makeup in a small mirror and you think that you are looking fly, back up look at the whole picture and say, "Where the fuck did my make up go?" Ugh it is pointless.

     Be Famous: This is something I think I would be good at. I can't act, I can't sing and I don't dance. So I can either be similar to Kim K (Minus the black male with the crooked dick), Paris Hilton (add 10 lbs and take away the extensions) or Coco, don't add or take away anything. Unfortunately I don't have a famous parent to give me a boost and I don't think I would ever spread my legs or repeatedly tear my Bhole for a living. No way. I would also like people to do my hair and makeup for me and also bring my mail to the post office and go grocery shopping. So I think that I would actually not like to be famous as much as I would like a personal assistant. Why does someone who likes to take it up the ass get famous? I mean really when actual real people do that they're not in a diner doing 5 at a time saying "would you like to stick your sausage into my pancake" Gross. If I ever said something like that to Chris, he would laugh hysterically, walk outside and never touch me again. Like why are you thinking of diner food and calling my dick a sausage when I'm coming at you.


This is the best I had in me today. But now I am watching hoarders and then intervention... I'll have much more tomorrow.
I love you all --R <3
    

Ain't No Nugget Small Enough

     This is my way of forgetting what is going on in my life now. Chris is in Kuwait for a year and even though I'm moving home to be with my friends and my family, I can't help but feel like I still want my best friend with me when I go to bed at night. He does love it over there witch is a good thing so I can't really complain!   

 

     Over the next week or so I will be blogging about things that amuse me, I can't do it all at once since I have been packing like a mother fucker and I will be unpacking when I get home.

     Midgets: I love these stubby little fuckers. They are like real people torsoes with T-rex arms and Rosanne Barr legs. My favorite combo. These little nuggets are like a gift from the Easter Jesus! They are so feisty yet delicate. I was watching a show earlier called "Hulk Hogan's Mini Wrestling,"or something, all I know is that Christmas came early. Those little people know how to tangle. I wish I knew how to throw down like that. (Tru TV Fridays at 10). I wish I had one as a pet, I really do because they eat what I eat, they shit in a toilet and they can dress themselves, unlike my 1.8 yr old daughter. They are like the perfect companion. I mean I can always look down on them and I will always be the one driving, which is a big deal for me! I rather have a nugget that has some kind of talent that I can exploit at like a party or TV audition though. Like OK " Stand there and snort that spaghetti up your nose and fart it out." That would definitely take like 30 minutes more for a full grown human learn how to do. More bang for your buck in those little fuckers. I would guess that their life span is shorter than an average human, but they are just so much more fun. I have this overwhelming urge to go to the park with one, and push them on a swing, play Frisbee and gallop gleefully through a field hand in hand. The TLC channel has dominated this species. They have little people big world and the little couple. These shows would not be on TV if a regular family had 1 midget son, and the couple were regular adults trying for a baby. There is some sick kind of need for us bigs to see how these people live. There is a magnetic draw to these limber limbed humans. My husband Chris and my father-in-law Randy just crack the fuck up when I talk about a "nugget" that I have seen. I personally think that they are in awe of my commitment to these little snuggle muffins. Chris and I were recently in Cleveland and he took this picture while he was smoking outside the bar we were in, and quickly sent it to me....

This was the best present I could have gotten. And this is why I love him so much. I wasn't outside to see this and it was so romantic how he thought of me! I would like to know where they get their clothes, shoes and cars, I mean someone needs to let me in on this secret. Not because I want to go get some for myself being only 5'1", but I want to go to the lair and befriend one. Who's to say that my soul-midget isn't waiting for me somewhere. Who are they? What would they be like? Where will I find them? Will they let me do their hair? Can I put a saddle on Daisy and have them ride her? There are sooooo many questions I have. I hope one day me and my tater will unite.... Until then I'll keep dreaming...

Thanks again for reading I know I am a fucked up human but it works for me....

Follow me in twitter @bobzc and on facebook Robyn Sludock

Love always see you in a couple days! -----R

Unsupervised

     I know you people who know me personally, know that Chris is going to be deployed again to Kuwait for a year. NOOOO not with the military but with a private contracting company doing some kind of super fucking classified shit ( I know, it's a big deal). Anyway I have lost a little creativity lately thinking about this constantly. I have wanted to cry my fucking eyes out on a daily basis thinking about my best friend being gone. He knows he is doing the right thing for himself and for our family but either way it is going to be hard. There are some people who bust his balls on a regular basis about him "leaving his family," and "abandoning Robyn and Cami," to those people I say back off and that's all the time I have for you. I also have not written like I normally would because I have been trying to hold my tongue and not say anything stupid to fuel the fire. Well fuck it. With my lack-of-creativity-week behind me I started to write a blog about why we do the things that we do but my heart wasn't really in it. So I started to think of ways that I could incorporate what is going on in my life with this blog and hopefully to lift my spirits. I have started thinking of things that I will do when Chris is gone, almost like a bucket list to keep me busy and not think about him being gone all the time. And strangely enough I found myself excited for the things that I can do while he's gone. So thank you for letting my vent a little and here is what I think I want to do while Chris is away:

• Dress Like a Human: In the last 2 years I have really been confined to me yoga pants, soffee shorts and marine corps t's. I feel like a fucking bum. When I go to the grocery store I see people wearing nice clothes, heels and make up. To me this is pointless who are you going to see at the grocery store that will care but I guess I should care at least a little more. Also the only people who are in the store that are wearing close to what I am wearing are people who I would like to say have a "weight problem," and 30 kids running around. No fucking thanks. The prospect that that could be me is enough to get my wheels turning about getting my shit together. I am also cheap as fuck so I guess I'll be hitting up H&M all the time.

• Work Out More: Not that I consider myself a big human by any means, however I do feel like I am not my tightest self. After I had the baby I immediately lost 30 pounds and I felt great apparently I looked like Lexi Anorexi, and still I thought it was great. But as time went on my appetite started to come back and so did about 15 pounds. I would definitely like to tighten. Also I have come to the reluctant conclusion that I am "curvy". I am built more like Kim Kardashian then Pam Anderson. Lets be real I am 5'2", and 115 lbs, I will never be long and lean but I feel like I cannot get out of looking like Snooki. I think I do that to myself because it's the easiest style for me to fit into. But if I am going to be meatball shaped, I am going to be a firm meatball. I am not a runner naturally I really have to push myself to do it so that's out. So I'm committing to yoga (hopefully HOT yoga if I can find a place in Ct that does it) and hiking. Connecticut has the most beautiful outdoors of anywhere. If that doesn't work I think my best chance is to get these items to help me:

• Extreme Coupon: Allison and I are couponers by nature, but we are about to take it to a whole different level! I am going to pack my families home full of free-ish dry goods. Thousands of tooth pastes all over the fucking place! I am saving my coupons now! How crazy is it that you can get all that shit for like 9 dollars? I wish you could buy like everything in bulk like that chicken and meats and stuff because yeah I have 30 sticks of deodorant but nothing to eat... Maybe that will help with my weight loss.

I will be swimming in bulk foods

• Lasik Eye Surgery and Wisdom Teeth Removal: As many people know I am blind as a fucking bat. I am tired of changing out my contact lenses all the time, there is no reason for it anymore with all of the breakthroughs in eye care. I need my wisdom teeth out in the worst way too, they are starting to hurt and I am getting a little sick of it!

• Purchase As Seen on TV Items: I have been obsessed with the following items for years and I will finally consummate our long awaited meeting. I feel a sort of deep seeded connection to these unattainable items. I have wanted them for so long it almost seems as if I need to be pinched because they are just outside my grasp. It amazes me that with in two months I will finally have the sweet satisfaction of putting them to the test.  

  









You can cut drywall with these knives

And throw a pineapple up in the air and slice at at.

You're all getting them for Xmas



This will definitely not help with my weight loss





This product is my Eleanor.

 But I WILL have a Ronco Rotisserie.

 You will be mine and I will,

SET IT AND FORGET IT





I will shave you backwards and forwards

Watch out zucchini!









This is what happens when I am let off my leash! DILLIGAF

Thank you for letting me vent! I promise from now on I will be lighter in my attitude. It may take a week or so but I'll get back

Twitter: @bobzc

Facebook: Robyn Sludock

Email: bobzchamp@gmail.com

Love you all ---R

Your Relationship is Killing ME!

     Lately I have been irritated by other peoples relationships. With some people it is the lovey dovey shit that makes me sick and with others it's like your relationship fucking sucks, just end it so that the rest of us don't have to suffer. I love Chris but I don't need to have my hands on him all the time, I'm pretty sure he would knock me out for just a minute of peace. And we fight like everyone else and sometimes we say very mean things to each other but at the end of the day we can go to bed and not want to kill each other.

     I am sick and tired of seeing people on facebook and all that other shit say "in a relationship", "out of relationship", "It's complicated" every 5 minutes. Maybe if you spent half that time investing some quality time into your shit, you wouldn't be alone. There is no need to cloud up peoples news feeds with your problems.

     People who yell at each other all the time make me sooooo mad. If you hate each other that much break up. There is no need to make someone else as miserable as you are. People who make each other miserable for the fun of it or for attention are sadists. Isn't it 1000000 times more fun to watch a movie and snug up or go for a hike and talk to each other like civilized humans? Also, when you co-habitate with other people you would think that you would keep your fighting to a minimal right? Nope, some people scream at each other and stomp around having a fit like a 2 year old. Slamming this slamming that. Like shut the fuck up! Mrs. Oldassbitch in the next condo over is trying to watch Maury and eat her English muffin in peace for Christ sake!

     I got of the airplane the other day and these two people probably in their 40's were about fucking in baggage claim. Great now I have to sit there and watch these people go at it, while the airports take their sweet fucking time getting my shit off the plane. This man could have been taking a stool sample his tongue was so deep in there.

     I know I have "control issues" as I am told but I like to think that I am getting better day by day, however there are somethings the Chris does, that couldn't bother me any less. For instance, playing video games, it is annoying sometimes but I am not going to throw a hissy fit because hes caressing the ps3 remote and not me. I recently saw someone actually cut up his girlfriends chicken for her... I was appalled. Fuck that. There is no excuse for it. Shes a big bitch (literally) she can cut up her food. It wasn't like she said "could you do me a favor and cut this," it was just expected. Same kind of story, if I ask Chris for a drink and he brings it to me and there is not enough ice in it, I'm not gonna flip out like a fucking psychopath and scream "MORE ICE!!!!" WTF is that about really, get up and get your own fucking ice.

     Every person has the potential to be jealous I think. But there are some people who take it to whole new lengths.Some women can't even let their boyfriends go to a bachelor party with out freaking the fuck out and screaming at him that he is fucking the strippers. Ok bitch, he is not fucking the strippers ok, they don't want anything to do with his scrawny ass. Just because you think that the sun shines out his ass hole doesn't mean that Miss Ima Stripperface does.

     Do not bitch to me about your relationship or your sex life. There are only several people I can listen to about this ans trust me that's enough. I do not want to hear that you can't get your girlfriend to enjoy sex more then 3 times a day. No shit you can't. Give the girl a rest! I also don't like to hear about people complaining about not having sex enough. If you feel like you are not having enough sex with your partner, either tell them or get a dildo. There is literally no point in telling me this. My voice isn't going to miraculously pop into your boyfriends head as he's snacking on some pork rinds and say, "get in the mood, go fuck your girlfriend." If  that does happen, I would suggest therapy.

     I was out to dinner with this couple once and the guy wanted to go outside and have a smoke after dinner and his wife looks at him about 1 inch from his face says, "nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" in the most whiny voice I have ever heard. Can you not be without this man for 6 mothafuckin' minutes. Good God girl chill out. He will be back, hopefully for my sake so I am not stuck with your ass all night.

There is nothing less sexy to your man then to bash him in front of other people. And I would rather not be in the middle of your awkward moment. It is one thing to joke back and forth but don't emasculate him. It is not going to make him want to be around you.

     These are just some of the examples I have. Look forward to seeing you guys tomorrow!!!

Love always ----R